“It’s a dinner table, not a bedroom. Put your hands where I can see them, Stryker,” Jamie said.

At the round of snickering, my cheeks warmed. Hayden’s hand reappeared, his middle finger directed at Jamie, but his hand stayed above the table after that.

Lisa asked, “Anyone have any ideas for New Year’s? We need a plan.”

Hayden had mentioned New Year’s once in passing, but hadn’t brought it up again. For me, it was yet another holiday I would be celebrating without my family.

“I thought we were going to chill this year.” He stroked his thumb along my bare shoulder.

“That’s one option,” Lisa said. “Are you offering to host?”

Hayden snorted. “I only have one spare bedroom.”

“That’s all you need. Chris and Sarah can stumble across the street,” Jamie pointed out.

“Forget Hayden’s. I say we hop a plane to Vegas for the weekend,” Chris cut in.

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Only you would suggest something like that.”

“He’s had worse ideas,” Lisa said. “Maybe Jamie and I could get hitched while we’re at it! It would save me from this business of planning a wedding.”

Good-natured laughter followed.

I felt Hayden’s arm tighten around my shoulder. His lips moved against my temple, but whatever the words were, I didn’t hear them. My mind was stuck, skipping like a record. The static in my head became a screaming siren, drowning out everything else.

I couldn’t feel my body as I lifted my wineglass to my lips. I tipped it back; the cool liquid tasted like vinegar as I drained the glass. The world went out of focus as panic took over. I knew it wasn’t rational. People got on planes every day and made it to their destinations without so much as a blip of turbulence.

“Tenley?” Hayden’s hand was on the back of my neck, fingers kneading gently. “Are you okay?” He sounded so far away, as if he were talking to me from underwater.

“Excuse me for a moment,” I said, finding it hard to breathe. I pushed my chair back. “I just need to use the bathroom.” I prayed he’d let me go before I cracked and wrecked the evening.

I placed my napkin on the table and headed for the closest powder room, then locked myself in before my legs gave out.

I sank to the floor, working to push through the panic. I wanted to turn back time. To have a normal reaction to an impromptu trip to Vegas. To be excited. But I couldn’t be. Blinding panic radiated through me, seizing my chest.

I squeezed my eyes shut and clutched the cupcake charm, wishing it had the power to prevent me from breaking down. The memories came anyway—vivid and violent. They began and ended with Connor’s shattered face and broken body. Always. Here I was, on Christmas Eve, barely a year after the crash, celebrating the holiday with someone else. Someone I loved infinitely more. I felt as if I were wronging Connor in some way.

I lurched forward, grasping the edge of the toilet as dinner reappeared. My eyes teared as I heaved again. When it was finally over, I braced myself on the edge of the vanity. I ran my hands under the cold water and pressed my palms against my neck. I needed to get it together. I didn’t want Hayden to see me falling apart like this.

With my stomach no longer revolting, I reached into the pocket in my dress. I debated whether I had the strength to make it through the rest of the evening without the pills. But I couldn’t risk another panic attack. The doorknob rattled, and I almost dropped them in the sink.

“Tenley? Can I come in?” Hayden asked from the other side, concerned.

“I need a second.” I popped the pills, then cupped my hand under the tap and washed down the chemical taste.

As soon as I unlocked the door, Hayden came in and closed it behind him. He pulled me into his arms. “I’m so sorry. Lisa wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s fine. I just needed a minute.” I sighed into his chest, letting the salve of his touch ease the ache.

“A minute?” He rubbed slow circles on my back, lulling me to semi-calm. “You’ve been in here for almost twenty. I knocked a couple of times but you didn’t answer, so I figured you needed space. Then I got worried.”

I thought I’d only been in the bathroom a short time. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect that. Just the idea of getting on a plane—”

“It’s okay. Don’t think about it. You’re all right.” His hands settled on my waist and he lifted me easily onto the vanity.

Once I was sitting, I realized how much I had been relying on him to keep me upright. I was still shaking. “I’ll never be able to fly again.”

“It’s only been a year. You can’t know that for sure.” His palms moved down my arms, and he clasped my hands in his.

“You don’t understand.” I shook my head, all the words stuck.

“Chris meant it as a joke, and Lisa doesn’t want to get married next week. And even if we did go to Vegas at some point, we could make a road trip out of it. Take as long as we want to get there.”

The warm buffer of medication had yet to set in, allowing fear to spill over. Joke or not, so much about the situation was too hard to manage.

“Tenley?”

Lost in my fears, I wrapped his tie around my hand, staring at the pin-up girl as she slipped over my fist. “What if Lisa’s serious?”

“She’s not. At least not for New Year’s. A Vegas wedding is right up Lisa’s alley, but it’s not going to happen right away.”

Driving might seem like a good solution, but everyone else would still get on a plane. What if we arrived in Vegas only to find they hadn’t made it?

“Talk to me, Tenley.”

I looked up, pleading with him to understand. “I can’t go through that again. Losing all these people? It would kill me.”

“I know. That’s why we’d drive.”

“But everyone else would fly!” I gripped Hayden’s hand tighter to keep my shaking under control. “I can’t ask them to put their lives on hold just because I can’t get on a plane. I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this fear.” I shuddered. “I only lost consciousness briefly after the plane went down.”

“You— What? I don’t understand.”

“When I came to, the plane had crashed and it was on fire. I found Connor when I was trying to escape. He was dead. Half of his face was crushed. It’s the last memory I have of him—and it still haunts my nightmares. You’re asking me to entertain the same scenario. Tell me how I’m supposed to deal with that.”

The color drained from Hayden’s face. I still hadn’t told him some things because talking about it hurt too much. “Shit. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take those memories away for you.”

Enveloped in his protective embrace, I sagged against him, drained of energy. I locked my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, desperate for the closeness, the connection. He held me for the longest time and I absorbed the comfort like a sponge.

His chin rested on top of my head. I felt the periodic bob of his throat as he swallowed, the rise and fall of his chest, the constant, rhythmic beat of his heart. I pressed my lips to his neck. Hayden dropped his head and kissed me. Fear had a way of inspiring need. My lips parted, welcoming him in.

A quiet knock at the door broke the spell. Lisa’s apprehensive voice came from the other side: “Tenley? Hayden?”

Hayden pressed his forehead against mine. “Give us a minute,” he called out, and then dropped to a whisper. “I’m taking you home soon.”

“Please? I need you tonight.”

He pressed one final kiss to my lips and helped me down from the vanity. When I had my bearings, he opened the door.

Lisa threw her arms around me. “I’m so sorry. I was caught up in the excitement. I didn’t think.”

I held on to her, feeling the burden of her sadness, hating that I couldn’t enjoy her spontaneity. “You don’t have to apologize. I overreacted.”

Hayden took my hand and we walked through the dining room. The table had been cleared and everything returned to order. We went into the living room, where everyone had congregated. No one made a fuss, and Hayden pulled me into his lap in an oversize reading chair.