The rage continues to amplify, burning inside my chest until suddenly and completely unexpectedly, Lila kisses me. And that kiss, the single touch of our lips, the slight elevation of heat in my body, the flood of mixed emotions, erases my anger and changes my life despite the fact that I don’t know if I want it to.

I don’t react right away, partially from shock and partially because I’m afraid. My mother and father’s turbulent relationship is fresh in my head and so is the fear of turning out like them. This isn’t just about sex. There is so much more to it than that. We have a connection. We have since the day we met. I just refused to feel it, but now it’s forcing its way on me, controlling, owning me—she controls and owns me—which means I’m dependent on her in a lot of ways.

I’m freaking out, but then she starts to pull away and I realize that I don’t want her to, so I open my mouth and sweep my tongue into hers as I cup the back of her head and bring her back to me, all my worries and fears briefly dissipating.

Jesus fucking Christ. This is so different from what I’m used to. I’m both curious and terrified to explore it more. But desire and want push me forward and I comb my fingers through her short blonde hair that’s streaked black. “You changed your hair,” I murmur. “I like it…” I gently tug it back as I explore her mouth further with my tongue, massaging it, caressing it, searching every inch of it.

Her eyes shut tightly. “Ethan,” she says, clutching my shoulders, her nails piercing through the fabric of my shirt and into my skin. The roughness of her touch surprises me and adds fuels to my very eager body. Before I even know what I’m doing, I stand up, disconnecting our kiss.

Her breath falters and her cheeks turn a little pink as she opens her eyes, like she’s embarrassed. Before she can say anything, I grab her by the hips, digging my fingers into her skin, and swiftly pick her up. I’ve never been much of a carrying-a-girl-around kind of guy, but I’m feeling different with her. I want to hold her, hug her, have her so damn close to me that I can’t tell where she starts and I begin. Every inch of my body is blazing, adrenaline spiking as it crashes through my body. I’m light-headed, burning up, wanting her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. Feelings soar inside me, ones I knew existed but refused to fully feel before. I seal our lips together before any words can be uttered and before I can start analyzing what this is going to mean.

I kiss her deeply and passionately as I carry her back to my bedroom, feeling my way blindly down the hallway, bumping us into walls and into door frames. I interlace my fingers around the back of her, bearing her weight as she latches on to me by crossing her ankles behind my back. She keeps groaning, her tongue tangling forcefully with mine, sending my body into a spiraling frenzy of yearning, need, and ultimately fear of how much I want to be with her and not London anymore. I want Lila more than anything at the moment. I trip over some stuff on my floor and manage to bang my hip into the one of my drums, and then I finally stumble into the bed. We bounce when we hit the mattress and she laughs against my lips but keeps her eyes shut.

I pull back a little and her eyelids flutter open. She looks perplexed and lost, among a thousand other emotions that probably match my own.

“What?” she asks, self-consciously. Her legs are still fastened around me and her arms are locked around my neck. “Is something… is something wrong?”

A thousand things are wrong, I want to say. I’m feeling too much for you, Lila. I can’t do this. I’m getting too caught up in you and if I keep going eventually we’ll hate each other. I’ll break you. Ruin you—us. I’ll mess up. But my voice refuses to work and so I kiss her instead. Fiercely. Forcefully. With heat, desire, and hunger suffocating both of us as we drown in each other’s feelings. Our bodies align and press together as I kiss her with all the pent-up energy I’ve been collecting since the first day we met. I’ve lost all control over my actions. Rules don’t exist. The past and the future dissolve and only this moment exists.

Between deep kisses and throaty moans, I manage to get my filthy work shirt over my head and I toss it on the floor. Her eyes snap open as I lower myself down onto her and she gasps. She traces her fingers up my chest, her fingers shaking, and I realize how nervous she is. Maybe she doesn’t want this. Maybe she’s just doing it because she’s afraid to say no. I’m worried she’s going to shut down like the last time we ended up on the bed touching each other.

“Lila,” I start, conflicted, because if she does reject me, it’s going to hurt. “Are you okay with this? I mean, you… do you want this?”

Her lips part and her breath falters as she curves her body into mine, a sea of emotions pouring through her eyes. “I do… but if you… if you don’t want to then you can stop.” She seems to be struggling with words as she gets lost in whatever she’s feeling.

It’s not the answer I’m expecting. And she looks so fucking nervous, almost like she’s having sex for the first time. I’m not sure what to do, but then she props herself up on her elbows, bringing her mouth to mine, and sucks my bottom lip into her mouth as she closes her eyes, and I feel her entire body shudder beneath me.

“Shit… Lila…” I groan as she grazes her teeth down the inside of my lip. My eyes shut involuntarily as I dip my head down and our lips collide roughly, to the point where I wonder if we’re going to have bruises.

I move my arms to the sides of her head to support my weight as she keeps pressing her chest against mine, like she’s starved—been starved forever. Our tongues tangle as I slip my knee between her legs, causing her to clutch on to my upper arms. Her fingernails jab into my skin as her body scoots down a little and meets the top of my leg. She starts rubbing against my leg, her eyes glazed and her expression hitting a euphoric state. I lose it completely and shove my hand up the front of her shirt, slipping it beneath her bra. I rub the pad of my thumb over her nipple and it instantly hardens as she whimpers, her entire body quivering as she continues to rub herself against my leg. I’m blown away. I’ve never enjoyed seeing a girl so responsive to my touch, but maybe that’s because how I feel about Lila is very different from how I’ve felt before. It’s different. We’re different. I’m different.

I keep rubbing her nipple as she grinds against me, her head tipped back, and I know she’s close. So am I. Fuck. Really, really close.

“Harder,” she breathes as I watch her on the verge of falling apart.

I give her what she wants and pinch her nipple harder. She groans loudly in response, her entire body rising up as she gasps in ecstasy. I’m on the brink of losing it myself and work hard to stay in control. After a moment of panting, she lies flat beneath me. Her skin is beading with sweat, her expression content, and she’s more beautiful than ever. Her hair is scattered above her head, her skin damp, her breathing ragged.

“That was good,” she says and breathes in and out, her chest moving up and down. “God, that was really good.”

“The best you’ve ever had?” I try to joke, but my voice comes out breathless in reaction to the fact that I’m hard as hell and it’s actually starting to hurt.

She shakes her head from side to side. “I can’t even compare it to anything… I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

I’m still cupping her breast and I can feel her heart racing and I count each beat to calm myself down. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

She shakes her head. “Neither am I and it doesn’t matter.” She leans in to kiss me and her whole body starts trembling before she even reaches my lips.

I’m worried she might be going into shock or something over what just happened with Parker. I bring my hand out of her bra and cup her cheek. “Maybe we should stop,” I say, searching her eyes for what she’s really thinking.