Her eyes widen in horror. “Oh my God, you don’t want to.” She starts to roll to the side to move away, but I put my arm next to her so she can’t get too far.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” I tell her as she turns her head to look at me. “I want to, Lila… God, I want to so fucking badly. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can feel how bad I want to.”

Her cheeks turn a little pink, shocking me again. “Yeah, kind of.”

I fight back a smile. “I’m just worried you’re in shock over what happened with Parker and maybe you’re not thinking clearly.”

“I’m thinking more clearly than I ever have,” she insists. “I want this. I want you.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t—”

She cuts me off, tracing her fingers up the front of my chest. “Yes… God, yes, I’m sure,” she says, her voice alarmingly off pitch. “Please don’t make me beg, Ethan. Please. I can’t… I don’t… I never wanted to be with anyone like this before. Ever.”

I let out a slow, tension-filled breath, fighting the urge to rip her clothes off, needing to be sure where she stands. And where I stand. Where the hell do we stand? “I’m just trying to be a good guy here, Lila, but you’re making it really…” I trail off as her fingers reach the top of my jeans. “Really… really… difficult.”

“Good,” she says and then rises up on her elbows and crashes her mouth against mine. Her movement is sloppy and very inexperienced, the kind of kiss that carries doubt. She’s throwing herself out there in front of me, and despite how terrified I am about what this move will mean for us I decide to do the same thing and kiss her back with equal, if not more, desire.

We kiss until our lips are swollen, until our bodies are covered in sweat, and then I sit up, only so I can take her shirt off and reach around to unclasp her bra. Then I lean back and take in her body. She’s beautiful, amazing and nearly perfect, except for the scars on her stomach. But in a way it almost makes her more perfect, because it shows she’s flawed and real. I just wish I knew where she got them from, wish I understood her better.

I trace my finger along her scar and she shuts her eyes, looking like it’s hurting her. My hand travels upward to her breast and grazes her nipple and she sucks in a sharp breath.

“This feels so good,” she whispers, breathless as she brings her hands up to my shoulders. Cupping my shoulder blades, she draws me down to her so our chests are pressing together. She inhales and exhales, like she’s savoring the moment and I lean down and kiss her neck, softly at first, but the more excited and breathy she gets the rougher my kisses become. I make a trail of kisses to her breast and then I suck her nipple into my mouth, tracing circles around it with my tongue. She cries out my name and it makes my heart pump with adrenaline. I can’t take it anymore. She’s driving my heart and body crazy. I pull back and kick my shorts and boxers off and to the side, and then I unbutton her shorts and practically rip them to get them off her. I reach for a condom in my nightstand, feeling this new sensation build up inside me.

I want Lila. Just her. No one else. I want to be with her.

Seconds later, I slip inside her, knowing that whatever we had before will forever be changed. I know when it’s over she’ll mean more to me than any other girl ever has. The surprising thing is, I really don’t care. In fact, I’m glad.

Chapter Fourteen

Lila

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I realize I love him or the fact that I’m sober, but every touch, kiss, every time our skin comes into contact, I nearly lose it. I’m on the verge of combusting, feeling as though I’m tumbling into a wonderful, divine, unknown place. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever had a real orgasm. Probably, I’m sure, but I’ve never been coherent enough to fully feel it.

I can barely breathe and every single one of my nerves is pulsating with dread, desire, and bliss. I’ve never let myself be so exposed before, not since Sean, and even then I didn’t know myself enough to show who I really was. I’m starting to understand myself more, who I am, what I want, what I need. And it all ends with Ethan.

I can barely think straight as he pinches and sucks on my nipples, touches me all over, feels me from the inside and the outside, head to toe, bathing kisses all over my body. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I’m going to explode, and he must feel the same way because suddenly he’s ripping the rest of our clothes off and throwing them onto the floor. When he slips inside me, I scream out his name as heat courses through my body, my insides trembling as he fills me. He starts thrusting inside me and I keep waiting for my mind to shut down, but I don’t want it to and thankfully it never does.

His muscles are taught, his arms beside my head as he rocks into me and I curve my back inward, bringing myself up to meet him, wanting more, needing more. I swear to God it feels like I can’t get enough as our bodies keep connecting, in tune with each other. The way he watches me every time I gasp in pleasure makes me feel beautiful, not filthy; wanted, not used. I wish it could go on forever, but I also want to reach the end because I feel like I’m going to lose it. As he gives one last hard thrust, I feel myself letting go of everything, the past, the shame, the worry, and it’s so blindingly intense, so overpowering, that I stab my fingernails into his shoulder blades, needing to channel the forceful energy somewhere. I feel his flesh split apart as I hold onto him, knowing I’m letting the rough side of me show through, but for once I just embrace it, embrace who I am. This is who I am.

He lets out a deep groan, his face contorted with pain and pleasure, and seeing the effect I’m having on him makes me rise higher until I completely lose touch with reality all together. When I finally return to reality, he’s stilled inside me. He’s situated between my legs, his head lowered onto my chest, and I can feel his pulse throbbing inside me.

He lays motionless forever, breathing against my chest, and the longer it goes on, the more nervous and insecure I get as I wait to see where this is going to go. Will he leave me like Sean did? Should I get up and walk away before he does? I don’t want to. I want to be with him. Forever maybe.

When he raises his head, I see something in his eyes I’ve never seen in any other guy’s eyes before. Ethan cares about me and he looks just as nervous as I do.

“That was…” He breathes in and out as he brushes my hair away from my damp forehead. “Amazing.”

I nod, because I’m speechless and way too out of breath. He smiles, kisses me delicately on the lips, then slips out of me and rolls onto his back, lying beside me with his arm tucked underneath my neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He rotates to his side and places a hand on my bare stomach. “About the Parker thing?”

I turn my head to the side and take in his firm chest, his damp, heavily inked skin, his dark brown eyes that are actually looking at me instead of through me. “Yeah, I really am, I think… You made me feel better. Much, much better.”

He smiles, seeming nervous, and I’m trying not to think about how having sex is going to change our relationship. It could end up ugly. Or beautiful. Although, I’d love to be optimistic, all I’ve ever seen is ugly, with my mom and dad, with every guy I’ve met. There is only one exception to this and that would be with Micha and Ella. I want what they have, but is it possible for someone like me to have such a beautiful, pure love?

“Tell me what you’re thinking about?” he whispers as he affectionately combs his fingers through my hair.

“What’s going to happen between us?” I ask honestly and he presses down on my wrist, feeling my pulse, and right beneath his fingertips is one of my scars.