“When?”

“A few days ago,” she says hesitantly. “He said he’d go.”

I’m kind of hurt. Why did he not mention this to me? “Okay, then I guess I’m going.” Usually, I’m good at sounding happy when I’m not, but the hurt shows through in my voice.

“Are you okay?” she asks. “I mean, with Ethan… is everything okay between you two?”

“Why would I not be okay?” I stand up from the seat as the bus reaches my stop, growing nervous over the idea that Ethan said something about us.

“I don’t know… because you two have a weird relationship.”

I grab the handle as the bus lurches to a stop. “Did Ethan say that to Micha?”

“No.” She sounds like she’s lying.

“Ella, please just tell me if he said anything.” I step off the bus and onto the curb feeling very insecure.

“Look, Lila, just relax,” she says and then I hear someone shout in the background. “Look, I got to go. Call me later after you’ve talked to Ethan and let me know when you’ll get here and stuff.”

“Fine.” I look left and right and hurry across the street toward my apartment. “Wait for me to shop for your dress, though.”

“Okay, I will, but I’m telling you right now,” she says, “that I won’t in any way shape or form be wearing a frilly white dress. It needs to be rock-star-ish or something.”

“Oh, we’ll find you something very Ella-like.” I step onto the sidewalk and enter the apartment complex entryway that’s situated between a broken fence and a desolate section of sandy land. The sun is setting so the air isn’t nearly as hot as midday, yet it’s still blistering and I’m starting to sweat. “I’m an excellent shopper.”

“It’s a deal,” she says cheerfully. “Talk to you later.”

“Okay, bye.” I hang up and seconds later I realize that I never got around to the reason why I called her.

Sighing, I take the house key out of my pocket, frustrated at myself because I really could use some girl advice about Ethan and what I should do and she probably would have given it if I’d just been brave enough to ask her, but my initial instincts to keep my mouth shut got the best of me. Although, I remember in high school how far girl advice got me. Just sleep with him. It’ll feel good and he’ll be less likely to break up with you. Sex means commitment. Sex means you’re older. Sex. Sex. Sex. I’m not even sure if they were ever really being sincere or if they were just toying with me.

When I enter the apartment, Ethan’s still not back from work. I settle down on the couch, with the takeout bag in front of me on the coffee table, trying not to think too much about the past, otherwise I know where I’ll end up heading—what I’ll end up doing. I turn on some of Ethan’s music, which I’m still getting used to, feeling nervous for some reason, like I can feel that I’m about to do or say something really stupid. Because I’m seriously considering telling him that I like like him. It’s time to be bold and blunt. It’s time to let him know how I feel. That I like him. I might even love him. My eyes widen as I realize that I might really do it and then double widen as I run my fingers through my now-chin-length hair that’s even shorter in the back. And as if that wasn’t a big enough change, I had black streaks put in.

“Who am I?” I whisper. I really don’t know anymore. A girl who chops off her own hair? Feels things for Ethan? A girl who wants to tell Ethan about her feelings? And that is very, very scary.

I’m deciding what I should do, run away or stay put and face my fears, finally be brave, when someone knocks on the door. I get up and open the door, then swiftly step back. “Parker?”

He looks me over and his face twists with disgust when he notes my new hair. “What the fuck did you do to you hair?”

“Cut it.” I shrug, praying to God he’s not here for the pills, even though deep down I know there’s no way that could be true. “What are you doing here?”

He’s wearing a navy-blue polo shirt, slacks, and a Rolex. “Don’t act like you’re surprised to see me.” His tone is sharp, his posture very rigid and threatening.

Suddenly I’m very aware that I’m alone in the apartment. “How did you know where I live?” I ask, gripping the doorknob tightly.

“I asked around.” He takes a deliberate step toward me, inching his way into the doorway. “You fucking stole from my stash, Lila. My fucking stash. Now I know you’re used to getting your way with me, but not with this. This is business.”

I step back, moving to shut the door, but he slams his hand against it. “I’m sorry, Parker,” I say, attempting to stay calm, but my palms start to sweat and my heart is beating wildly inside my chest. “I didn’t mean to. Really. I was just having a rough day and I messed up.”

He stalks closer, stepping over the threshold and onto the small section of chipped linoleum in the entryway. “Don’t try to feed me your sob story. You didn’t mean to? Seriously. What?” He starts swinging his hands animatedly as he speaks and it makes me wince. “You just accidentally opened the bottle hidden in my nightstand drawer and then accidentally poured a pill into your hand. I checked after you left, Lila, and there was a pill missing. And you know I keep track of that shit. You’ve seen me count them after I make a deal. Although, I’m a little surprised you took only one, seeing as how I’ve seen you pop four at a time without even hesitating.”

Shaking my head, I stumble back into the living room and inch around the coffee table, knowing I’m in serious trouble. “Look, what do you want me to say? I’m sorry, okay? I messed up. But I can’t bring the pill back. I can pay for it, though.” I reach for my wallet that’s next to the television.

He laughs darkly, walking all the way into the apartment. “You’re going to pay me for that fucking pill, Lila,” he says, shutting the door with his foot, keeping his eyes fixed on me. “But not with money. You know I don’t except cash for pills.”

I glance at the hallway, contemplating running into the bathroom and locking myself in there. This is bad. Very, very bad. I can feel that something bad is about to happen and I’m not sure how to get out of it.

“Don’t even think about it,” he says and then unzips his pants. “Now, you can either fuck me or suck my dick, but either way I’m going to get something out of this. I’m not just going to let you steal a pill from me and get away with it. You know me better than that.”

“You’re right. I do,” I say, my voice unsteady as I search around the room for my phone. Where did I leave it?

This evil ugly monster is about to come out of him. I know because I’ve seen it with every other guy out there. Try not to give them anything and they’ll break you. Give them what they want and they’ll take everything you have and then they’ll leave you in the dirt.

I press my lips together, feeling a slight tremor inside my heart, but deep down I know I can probably do this if I need to. Just screw him and get it over with. I’ve done it before, but that was when I felt nothing. But right now it feels worse than wrong. It feels icky and twisted and warped. I’m scared, just like I was when Sean tied me to the bed, ropes around my ankles, wrists, even my stomach. I didn’t want to do it. I even told him that. Once. But once wasn’t enough and he took what he wanted.

“I think I—” I start, my hip bumping into the corner of the television stand as I try to back away more.

Parker hurries forward, his fly undone and before I can move he grabs a handful of my hair, wrenching on the roots so hard my scalp stings. “Get down on your fucking knees and be the whore that you and I and every other guy out there knows that you are.”

I raise my hand to slap him, but he catches me by the wrist, jabbing his fingers into my skin as he slaps me across my face. Tears sting at my eyes and my ears ring as he shoves me down onto the floor, pressing on my shoulders until I’m kneeling at his feet. I whimper pathetically as the rough carpet scrapes against my knees and my neck bends in an awkward position. “Stop it, Parker… You’re hurting me.”