I’m completely stressed out and about ready to hit my breaking point the closer we get to my brother’s house. I try to stay as normal as I possibly can while sitting here listening to Trent carry on a conversation, at this point with himself, as all I am doing is answering with yes, no, and maybe. He pummels me with all sorts of questions which mostly shoot right over the top of my head. All I can think about is being able to somehow get alone with my brother without Trent becoming suspicions or my father wanting to be a part of our conversation.

Pulling onto Zack and Krista’s street and seeing my dad’s car already in the driveway only makes my anxiety flare up even more. We park along the curb in front of their house at which point I plaster on a fake smile and open the car door to get out. Trent does the same on his side and when he rounds the car; I grab his hand just like I would normally do if he were Turner as we make our way up the driveway.

I can do this. I have to do this for the safety of my father. The less people who know about this, the better. Who knows what Trent or his father would do to anyone who gets in the way of whatever they want with us? If anything happened to my dad because of this, I could never forgive myself. I put everything in the back of my mind as we knock briefly then just walk inside.

“There she is!”

My dad is up and off of the couch before we even have the door closed, heading in my direction.

“Hi, Dad.”

He reaches his arms out and embraces me in his warm and safe hug. For a brief moment I feel safe and sound. It doesn’t last long as he tears himself away from me and places his arm around my shoulder while he greets his supposed son-in-law with a handshake. Returning his attention back to me, he scowls. I scowl back.

“What?” I ask, my smile never faltering.

“You look different, somehow.”

“Different? I’m fine, Dad,” I wave him off with my hand.

“You look tired. You’re not getting enough rest, are you?” he asks, worry etched across his face.

“She had a little too much to drink last night, James,” Trent interrupts.

Dad tries to act tough and scold me.

“Girl, I told you that shit isn’t good for you.”

“Oh, is that right? Let me see; is that your glass of bourbon sitting on the table over there?” I tease as I turn and head further into the house where Zack is holding the baby.

“You sassing me, girl?” Dad jokes from behind me.

All of us laugh at that one, knowing very well that one thing you do not do is sass James Wright. Dad was never cruel to us at all when we were growing up, but he did teach us to respect others and to never ever take anything for granted. And I thought I hadn’t, until a few days ago when my life fell apart. Now, standing here looking into the innocent eyes of my nephew, I wonder if I will ever be able to tell Turner that my feelings went from ‘like’ to ‘love’ the first time he kissed me, and that he is the greatest joy in my life.

“Clove.” Zack nudges me with his shoulder. “Snap out of it before Dad really starts to suspect something.”

“Can I hold him, please?”

I’m finding it hard to speak. Even trying to hold a conversation with an adult right now is the last thing I want to do until I get my shit together. Holding and cuddling baby Nolan is exactly what I need to fill my aching heart with love.

I take him from my brother’s arms and he stretches and looks up at me. For the first time in days, my smile is as honest as it’s ever going to get.

He’s so innocent and has no idea what is happening all around him. Not a care in the world. I totally block out all the sounds around me as I stare at him intently, wondering if I will ever have the chance to be a mother.

Chapter Eleven

“So when are you two going to make me a grandpa?” My dad blurts out in the middle of dinner.

My eyes dart around the table. Krista’s face has turned white and my brother’s jaw starts twitching and clenching.

“Um. I don’t really know, Dad. We really haven’t talked much about it lately,”

I say meekly as I look down at my dinner. Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite.

“I’m thinking we need to start talking about it, and soon,” Trent says.

My eyes about bulge out of my head. He reaches down for his beer and takes a long swig, then points the bottle at where Krista is sitting, holding baby Nolan while she tries to eat. He puts his arm around me and hugs me to him.

“Seeing the way my girl here was off in baby la-la land earlier when she was holding him got me thinking the same thing, James.”

“And what’s that?” My lips pull into a tight line.

“Just that I was watching you and picturing in my mind how you would look pregnant with our child. And knowing that you’re carrying the next generation of Calloways.”

A lump forms in my throat and I bite my tongue to suppress what I really want to say. Hell to the motherfucking no, I will NEVER carry your baby! The child would most likely be just like him. To my credit, I’m still sitting here with my plastic smile on my face. I lean in and softly place my hand on his cheek, showing my endearment at his words.

Fake. This is all so damn fake, and if I was ever going to have a Calloway baby it would be with my husband. A part of me knows now it’s never going to happen and my heart breaks all over again with the knowledge. This is all too overwhelming and my head starts whirling. I look at my brother for help, thankful that my dad has gone to place his dishes in the sink.

“Well, I think that’s a perfect idea,” my dad says as he wipes his hands on the dishtowel and starts loading the dishwasher.

I use that as an excuse to make my escape.

“Here, Dad. Let me get that. You go sit down and enjoy an after dinner drink. Better yet, grab that grandson of yours so Krista can help me. All four of you men scoot out of here and let us clean up.”

“Sounds good to me.”

My brother hops up from the table and takes the baby from Krista, giving me a knowing look as he passes me by.

“Dad, grab a few beers. Let’s turn on the game and give these girls some space out here.”

I can tell that my brother’s mood has chilled and I sense that Krista feels it too as she gives him a brooding look as he walks away with Nolan in his arms. Trent talks baseball to my dad as they saunter into the living room. Thank God Dad hasn’t picked up on any of the tension filling this house today.

It’s fucking everywhere. I have seen my brother try through gritted teeth to act like nothing is wrong when he engages in a conversation with Trent. Trent seemingly has been oblivious to it.

As soon as I pick the last plate up off of the table and wander over to the sink, Krista motions for me to come over to where she is standing out of eye and ear shot from the guys.

“Listen, Zack told me to fill you in as much as I could about what’s going on, but not here. Let’s finish cleaning and then I am going to ask you to go for a walk with me and the baby. I’m sorry the shopping idea didn’t go through. After your dad called, we thought this would be a better idea.”

“It’s fine, really.” I wave my hand to signal no big deal.

I clear my throat, all of a sudden finding it very hard to breathe knowing soon I am going to find out what in the hell is really going on. The only thing concerning me right now is that Zack must not be any closer to finding Turner then he was yesterday.

************

It is a mild mid-summer day, perfect for a walk. Zack sets the stroller onto the sidewalk and Krista places Nolan in it, adjusting the top so the sun won’t touch him in any way. I become suddenly fascinated with the stroller.

“Geez, these things are like cars.”

“They sure are.” Krista laughs lightly and places a few diapers along with a blanket, wipes, and whatever else she needs in the small diaper bag she sets underneath the stroller. “They’re fully equipped with everything.”