I have never, ever been this happy. I’m terrified. I’m on fire with joy. I’m … alive, for what feels like the first time, ever. I’m not pretending anymore, hoping nobody notices that I’m the freak who doesn’t fit, who has darkness graven down to the bone.

A week before my aunt’s big holiday in Chicago, as promised, I talk to Lila about sleeping over. She cocks her head. “Seriously? Your aunt is going away for the weekend and you want to waste one of those nights at my place?”

“Want is a strong word,” I mumble. “But it’s one of the conditions to my getting even one night on my own.”

“She’s protective of you, huh?”

“Do your parents leave you home alone that long?”

“Ha, never. Maybe not even when I’m thirty. But they don’t trust me. It seems like you and your aunt get along pretty well. And you’re not the type to throw a wild party the minute she leaves.”

Lila doesn’t have all the facts. The reason my aunt doesn’t want to leave me alone so long has nothing to do with rapport or trust. But I don’t go into that.

“Will your parents mind?”

She shakes her head. “Not at all, they love you. My dad thinks it’s awesome that you have a plan, even if it’s a hippie goal. Which night were you thinking?”

“Saturday.”

Shane works that night, so we’ll have more time together if he sleeps over on Friday, like he did before. And though I’m not positive, I might be ready to do more than kiss. How much more, I’m not sure, but I’m scared and excited, my heart trembling like a butterfly at the idea. I remember how it felt to curl up in his arms.

Finally the week I’ve been looking forward to arrives, when my aunt’s going away with Joe. School and work seem like distractions from my ultimate goal: Friday night. Shane will arrive at my house at eight, and he’s bringing clothes for work the next day. As I ride my bike home that afternoon, I’ve got a hundred questions swirling in my head: what I should wear, if we should cook or order from Pizza the Action, but pizza isn’t very romantic. It’s chill, for when you’re hanging out with a bunch of people, but you’d never be, like, Please, baby, take me out for a slice.

But when I get home, things are so not okay. My aunt is home from work early, which almost never happens. This makes me think she’s sick, and her depressed expression reinforces that impression. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Joe’s got strep,” she answers.

“Oh, shit.”

So obviously, the weekend she—and I—have been looking forward to isn’t going to happen. No trip to Chicago, no swanky hotel, no theater tickets, no champagne, and for me—worst of all—no overnight with Shane. This isn’t Joe’s fault, but I’m totally frustrated. Instead of a romantic weekend where I kinda planned to fool around with Shane, I get to cheer my aunt up.

“I need to call Lila and cancel our sleepover.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” she protests.

“I want to. You shouldn’t sit around by yourself, feeling crappy. You need chocolate therapy and a bunch of girl movies. Strep is contagious, right? So you can’t even see Joe.”

“Don’t remind me.” She brightens. “Hey, maybe Lila wants to come over here instead?”

“I’ll ask. Let me drop my stuff in my room, change clothes, and call her.”

“No problem. Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger aren’t going anywhere.”

For the first time, I notice she’s watching 10 Things I Hate About You, for probably the hundredth time; it’s her self-comfort I’m-so-depressed-I-hate-my-life movie. Mine is currently Pitch Perfect. But I like this one, too.

I rush to my room, close the door behind me, then text Shane. Abort, abort! My aunt’s staying here this weekend.

Shane: Shit.

Me: I know, right?

Shane: Do you still want me to come over?

Me: No. She needs me to hang out with her this weekend. I’m sorry.

Shane: It’s cool. Maybe I’ll call Jace.

Me: You got his number? I thought you don’t play well with others.

Shane: I’m trying.

This is where I wish I was brave enough to key I love you. But I’d never send it before saying it in person. I should tell him … at the right moment. And it’s too soon. How long have we actually been together? Maybe two months. That’s definitely too fast. I’ll scare him.

Me: See you Monday. Miss you.

Shane: You too, Princess.

Then I actually call Lila, so she knows it’s important. She picks up on the third ring. “This is retro. Why didn’t you text me?”

“Change of plans. You want to spend the weekend with us instead?”

“Oh, snap. What happened?”

I explain about Joe, strep, and how my aunt now has epic sad-face. “So now we’re gonna watch movies endlessly and eat chocolate. I can’t promise my aunt will shower. Hopefully by Sunday.”

“God, what would she do if he broke up with her?”

“I have no idea.”

And it kind of scares me because Aunt Gabby is my rock. Joe might have the power to break her heart, which makes me want to ride my bike across town and stand under his window yelling at him, even if he’s sick. I restrain the impulse like I always do.

But I have to defend her. My aunt isn’t the type to lose it over a guy. “She hasn’t taken a vacation in years. She’s just disappointed.”

“Yeah, I’d be bummed, too, especially if I bought new clothes to wear.”

“She did.”

“Then I get it. Hang on, let me ask my mom.”

I hear snippets of their conversation, then Lila comes back. “She wants to talk to your aunt to make sure it’s okay with her, and that the whole weekend isn’t too long.”

“And make sure we’ll be adequately supervised,” I guess.

“You know my mother so well.”

Moving down the hall as we talk, I gesture for my aunt to pause the movie. “Mrs. Tremaine wants to speak with you.”

“Oh. No problem.” I hand her the phone. “Yes? Okay, Lila.” Then a few seconds later, “Yes, this is Gabby. No, it’s no trouble at all. In fact, it was my idea. We’d love to have Lila over for a girls’ weekend. She’s so much fun, so great to be around.” Then she pauses, listening. “All right, drop her off around seven. Sounds fine. I can bring her home on Sunday. All handled,” she adds, returning my cell.

“You are a joy,” I tell Lila when she comes back.

“My mom thinks there’s an alien running my body now. The sad part is, I think she likes the parasite better than the old me.”

“You’re still you. See you later.”

I disconnect, put away my school stuff, and change clothes. Then I join my aunt for an orgy of sweets and feel-good movies. It turns out to be a really fun weekend, even more so after Lila arrives. By the time she leaves on Sunday, my aunt is in a better mood, and I’m not totally sorry things worked out like this. I mean, I wanted Shane here. But girl time was fun, too.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

When I head to school on Monday, it’s a short week, only three days, since Thursday is Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to the break. Green World is canceled for the holiday, and I don’t have to work on Thursday, obviously. Shane has the day off, too, but I haven’t invited him over yet. I should clear it at home first. So Monday night, after my shift at the Curly Q, I bring it up with Aunt Gabby. “I was wondering, is it okay if Shane spends Thanksgiving with us?”

“What about his family?”

“It’s just his dad … and he’s a truck driver. He can’t get time off, and they’ve scheduled him for a long haul this time.”

“That sucks.” I nod, hoping she doesn’t ask anything else about Shane’s father. “No grandparents nearby?”

I shake my head, though Shane hasn’t mentioned them. Maybe they’ve passed away? “We can’t leave him alone for the holidays.”

“I don’t mind, if he’s okay sleeping on the couch.”