LEAR Take heed, sirrah—the whip.

FOOL Truth is a dog that must to kennel. He must be whipped out when Lady the brach may stand by the fire and stink.

LEAR A pestilent gall to me!

FOOL ⌈to Kent⌉ Sirrah, I’ll teach thee a speech.

LEAR Do.

FOOL Mark it, uncle.

Have more than thou showest,

Speak less than thou knowest,

Lend less than thou owest,

Ride more than thou goest,

Learn more than thou trowest,

Set less than thou throwest,

Leave thy drink and thy whore,

And keep in-a-door,

And thou shalt have more

Than two tens to a score.

LEAR This is nothing, fool.

FOOL Then, like the breath of an unfee’d lawyer, you gave me nothing for’t. Can you make no use of nothing, uncle?

LEAR Why no, boy. Nothing can be made out of nothing.

FOOL (to Kent) Prithee, tell him so much the rent of his land comes to. He will not believe a fool. 130

LEAR A bitter fool.

FOOL Dost know the difference, my boy, between a bitter fool and a sweet fool?

LEAR No, lad. Teach me.

FOOL ⌈sings⌉

That lord that counselled thee To give away thy land,

Come, place him here by me;

Do thou for him stand.

The sweet and bitter fool

Will presently appear,

The one in motley here,

The other found out there.

LEAR Dost thou call me fool, boy?

FOOL All thy other titles thou hast given away. That thou wast born with.

KENT (to Lear) This is not altogether fool, my lord.

FOOL No, faith; lords and great men will not let me. If I had a monopoly out, they would have part on’t, and ladies too, they will not let me have all the fool to myself—they’ll be snatching. Give me an egg, nuncle, and I’ll give thee two crowns.

LEAR What two crowns shall they be?

FOOL Why, after I have cut the egg in the middle and eat up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest thy crown i‘th’ middle and gavest away both parts, thou borest thy ass o’th’ back o’er the dirt. Thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown when thou gavest thy golden one away. If I speak like myself in this, let him be whipped that first finds it so.

⌈Sings ⌉

Fools had ne’er less wit in a year,

For wise men are grown foppish.

They know not how their wits do wear,

Their manners are so apish.

LEAR When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?

FOOL I have used it, nuncle, ever since thou madest thy daughters thy mother; for when thou gavest them the rod and puttest down thine own breeches,

⌈Sings⌉

Then they for sudden joy did weep, And I for sorrow sung,

That such a king should play bo-peep

And go the fools among.

Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach thy fool to lie. I would fain learn to lie.

LEAR An you lie, we’ll have you whipped.

FOOL I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are. They’ll have me whipped for speaking true, thou wilt have me whipped for lying, and sometime I am whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any kind of thing than a fool; and yet I would not be thee, nuncle. Thou hast pared thy wit o’ both sides and left nothing in the middle.

Enter Gonoril

Here comes one of the parings.

LEAR

How now, daughter, what makes that frontlet on?

Methinks you are too much o’ late i’th’ frown.

FOOL Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need to care for her frown. Now thou art an O without a figure. I am better than thou art, now. I am a fool; thou art nothing. ⌈To Gonoril⌉ Yes, forsooth, I will hold my tongue; so your face bids me, though you say nothing.

⌈Sings⌉

Mum, mum. He that keeps neither crust nor crumb,

Weary of all, shall want some.

That’s a shelled peascod.

GONORIL (to Lear)

Not only, sir, this your all-licensed fool,

But other of your insolent retinue

Do hourly carp and quarrel, breaking forth

In rank and not-to-be-endured riots.

Sir, I had thought by making this well known unto

you

To have found a safe redress, but now grow fearful,

By what yourself too late have spoke and done,

That you protect this course, and put it on

By your allowance; which if you should, the fault

Would not scape censure, nor the redress sleep

Which in the tender of a wholesome weal

Might in their working do you that offence,

That else were shame, that then necessity

Must call discreet proceedings.

FOOL (to Lear) For, you trow, nuncle,

⌈Sings⌉

The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo so long

That it had it head bit off by it young;

so out went the candle, and we were left darkling.

LEAR (to Gonoril) Are you our daughter?

GONORIL

Come, sir, I would you would make use of that good

wisdom

Whereof I know you are fraught, and put away

These dispositions that of late transform you

From what you rightly are.

FOOL May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse? ⌈Sings⌉ ‘Whoop, jug, I love thee!’

LEAR

Doth any here know me? Why, this is not Lear.

Doth Lear walk thus, speak thus? Where are his eyes?

Either his notion weakens, or his discernings

Are lethargied. Sleeping or waking, ha?

Sure, ’tis not so.

Who is it that can tell me who I am?

Lear’s shadow? I would learn that, for by the marks

Of sovereignty, knowledge, and reason

I should be false persuaded I had daughters.

FOOL Which they will make an obedient father.

LEAR (to Gonoril)

Your name, fair gentlewoman?

GONORIL Come, sir,

This admiration is much of the savour

Of other your new pranks. I do beseech you

Understand my purposes aright,

As you are old and reverend, should be wise.

Here do you keep a hundred knights and squires,

Men so disordered, so debauched and bold

That this our court, infected with their manners,