DOGBERRY Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you in the Prince’s name accuse these men.

FIRST WATCHMAN This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a villain.

DOGBERRY Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince’s brother villain.

BORACHIO Master Constable.

DOGBERRY Pray thee, fellow, peace. I do not like thy look, I promise thee.

SEXTON What heard you him say else?

SECOND WATCHMAN Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.

DOGBERRY Flat burglary, as ever was committed.

VERGES Yea, by mass, that it is.

SEXTON What else, fellow?

FIRST WATCHMAN And that Count Claudio did mean upon his words to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.

DOGBERRY O villain! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.

SEXTON What else?

WATCH This is all.

SEXTON And this is more, masters, than you can deny.

Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away. Hero

was in this manner accused, in this very manner

refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died. Master

Constable, let these men be bound and brought to

Leonato’s. I will go before and show him their

examination. Exit

DOGBERRY Come, let them be opinioned.

VERGES Let them be, in the hands—

⌈CONRAD⌉ Off, coxcomb!

DOGBERRY God’s my life, where’s the Sexton? Let him write down the Prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. Thou naughty varlet!

CONRAD Away, you are an ass, you are an ass.

DOGBERRY Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass. Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and which is more, an officer, and which is more, a householder, and which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to, and a rich fellow enough, go to, and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass! Exeunt

5.1 Enter Leonato and Antonio his brother ANTONIO

If you go on thus, you will kill yourself,

And ’tis not wisdom thus to second grief

Against yourself.

LEONATO I pray thee cease thy counsel,

Which falls into mine ears as profitless

As water in a sieve. Give not me counsel,

Nor let no comforter delight mine ear

But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.

Bring me a father that so loved his child,

Whose joy of her is overwhelmed like mine,

And bid him speak of patience.

Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,

And let it answer every strain for strain,

As thus for thus, and such a grief for such,

In every lineament, branch, shape, and form.

If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,

Bid sorrow wag, cry ‘hem’ when he should groan,

Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk

With candle-wasters, bring him yet to me,

And I of him will gather patience.

But there is no such man, for, brother, men

Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief

Which they themselves not feel, but tasting it

Their counsel turns to passion, which before

Would give preceptial medicine to rage,

Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,

Charm ache with air and agony with words.

No, no, ’tis all men’s office to speak patience

To those that wring under the load of sorrow,

But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency

To be so moral when he shall endure

The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel.

My griefs cry louder than advertisement.

ANTONIO

Therein do men from children nothing differ.

LEONATO

I pray thee peace, I will be flesh and blood,

For there was never yet philosopher

That could endure the toothache patiently,

However they have writ the style of gods,

And made a pish at chance and sufferance.

ANTONIO

Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself.

Make those that do offend you suffer, too.

LEONATO

There thou speak’st reason, nay I will do so.

My soul doth tell me Hero is belied,

And that shall Claudio know, so shall the Prince,

And all of them that thus dishonour her.

Enter Don Pedro the Prince and Claudio

ANTONIO

Here comes the Prince and Claudio hastily.

DON PEDRO

Good e‘en, good e’en.

CLAUDIO Good day to both of you.

LEONATO

Hear you, my lords?

DON PEDRO We have some haste, Leonato.

LEONATO

Some haste, my lord! Well, fare you well, my lord.

Are you so hasty now? Well, all is one.

DON PEDRO

Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.

ANTONIO

If he could right himself with quarrelling,

Some of us would lie low.

CLAUDIO Who wrongs him?

LEONATO

Marry, thou dost wrong me, thou dissembler, thou.

Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword,

I fear thee not.

CLAUDIO Marry, beshrew my hand

If it should give your age such cause of fear.

In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.

LEONATO

Tush, tush, man, never fleer and jest at me.

I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,

As under privilege of age to brag

What I have done being young, or what would do

Were I not old. Know Claudio to thy head,

Thou hast so wronged mine innocent child and me

That I am forced to lay my reverence by

And with grey hairs and bruise of many days

Do challenge thee to trial of a man.

I say thou hast belied mine innocent child.