PRINCE HARRY Why then, it is like, if there come a hot June and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails: by the hundreds.

SIR JOHN By the mass, lad, thou sayst true; it is like we shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? Thou being heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glyndŵr? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?

PRINCE HARRY Not a whit, i’faith. I lack some of thy instinct. 375

SIR JOHN Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father. If thou love me, practise an answer.

PRINCE HARRY Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

SIR JOHN Shall I? Content. This chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.

He sits

PRINCE HARRY Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.

SIR JOHN Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.

PRINCE HARRY (bowing) Well, here is my leg.

SIR JOHN And here is my speech. (To Harvey, Poins, and Gadshill) Stand aside, nobility.

HOSTESS O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’faith.

SIR JOHN Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.

HOSTESS O the Father, how he holds his countenance!

SIR JOHN

For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,

For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.

HOSTESS O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!

SIR JOHN

Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.—

Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy

time, but also how thou art accompanied. For though

the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it

grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it

wears. That thou art my son I have partly thy mother’s

word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villainous

trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy nether

lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me,

here lies the point. Why, being son to me, art thou so

pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a

micher, and eat btackberries?—A question not to be

asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take

purses?—A question to be asked. There is a thing,

Harry, which thou hast often heard of, and it is known

to many in our land by the name of pitch. This pitch,

as ancient writers do report, doth defile. So doth the

company thou keepest. For Harry, now I do not speak

to thee in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in

passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet

there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in

thy company, but I know not his name.

PRINCE HARRY What manner of man, an it like your majesty?

SIR JOHN A goodly, portly man, i‘faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by’r Lady, inclining to threescore. And now I remember me, his name is Oldcastle. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If, then, the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it—there is virtue in that Oldcastle. Him keep with; the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?

PRINCE HARRY Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.

SIR JOHN (standing) Depose me. If thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit sucker, or a poulter’s hare.

PRINCE HARRY (sitting) Well, here I am set.

SIR JOHN And here I stand. (To the others) Judge, my masters.

PRINCE HARRY Now, Harry, whence come you?

SIR JOHN My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

PRINCE HARRY The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

SIR JOHN ’Sblood, my lord, they are false. ⌈To the others⌉

Nay, I’ll tickle ye for a young prince, i’faith.

PRINCE HARRY Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that grey Iniquity, that father Ruffian, that Vanity in Years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty, but in villainy? Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy, but in nothing?

SIR JOHN I would your grace would take me with you. Whom means your grace?

PRINCE HARRY That villainous, abominable misleader of youth, Oldcastle; that old white-bearded Satan.

SIR JOHN My lord, the man I know.

PRINCE HARRY I know thou dost.

SIR JOHN But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked. If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned. If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Harvey, banish Russell, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Oldcastle, kind Jack Oldcastle, true Jack Oldcastle, valiant Jack Oldcastle, and therefore more valiant being, as he is, old Jack Oldcastle, Banish not him thy Harry’s company, Banish not him thy Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

PRINCE HARRY I do; I will.

Knocking within. ⌈Exit Hostess.⌉

Enter Russell, running

RUSSELL O my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door!

SIR JOHN Out, ye rogue! Play out the play! I have much to say in the behalf of that Oldeastle.

Enter the Hostess

HOSTESS O Jesu! My lord, my lord!

PRINCE HARRY Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick! What’s the matter?

HOSTESS The sheriff and all the watch are at the door.

They are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

SIR JOHN Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit—thou art essentially made, without seeming so.

PRINCE HARRY And thou a natural coward without instinct.

SIR JOHN I deny your major. If you will deny the sheriff, so. If not, let him enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up. I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.