his beloved boy this sad, but it’s good to be needed, to be able to take care of him. Several ideas flash
through his mind about what exactly makes Daniël this upset, but he can only hope it isn’t because
Dan thinks he had been, even if only on a subconscious level, interested in the man touching him up.
That Steve had, without intention, been angry because their love had to be hidden from even Dan’s
parents like a shameful, dirty secret.
Daniël smiles through his tears, like he’s wondering about Steve’s thoughts, knowing him too
well to not make an educated guess.
“That lawyer was manipulating the jury. Perhaps even the judge. Public opinion. I saw what he
was trying to do and I can almost understand it. The facts are what they are, he can’t change that, but
he can try and make you look bad. It hurt me so much, seeing how he dragged you through the mud
but I knew I had to keep myself from shouting out, because that would have made it only harder on
you.”
Steve kisses him softly on the lips. “I remembered the words you had written on that piece of
paper. Those were the only important words in that courtroom. I think we have a lot to talk about, but
not before we’ve had something decent to eat and drink. Please, Danny, can I spoil you a little? You
always take such good care of me, now it’s time to try and do the same for you. I can make tea and
some nice sandwiches. I believe we have a few slices of roast left over from yesterday, so I don’t have
to use a carving knife. Would that be something?”
“That would be great. I love doing things for you, you know that, but I don’t want to keep you
from becoming independent again. I’ll take a quick shower and I’ll see you in the lounge in, say, about
half an hour?” Daniël nuzzles Steve’s neck. “I was so proud knowing that courageous man standing
there is going to be my husband. And when you said you loved me, for the entire courtroom to hear, I
wondered if even one of them really understood how lucky I am. Matthew and Gael perhaps. Must
have cost them a lot to be there, but they were. The others have sent messages, phoned me, told me
during the last training session they were thinking about us. And it’s not just the players: many of the
people working for the club as well. The girls told me lots of fans are letting us know how much they
support us in thought. You know how the gaffer hated he couldn’t be with us.”
“I know. It means a lot to me. I hope they understand how much.” Steve kisses Dan once more
before he shoos him to the bathroom and goes to the kitchen himself to make sure they can eat lunch
in half an hour.
It takes a bit of looking around in what’s officially still his own kitchen to find where Dan
keeps everything, but it feels good being able to contribute to their little household with something
more than warm smiles and lots of kisses.
He tries not to think about the trial and the cross-examination and everything that will follow,
because he wants to fully enjoy this moment of having overcome another obstacle. He concentrates on
putting the kettle on and placing the teabags in the mugs, on buttering the slices of bread, on putting
slices of cold meat on them and finishing it with a thin layer of honey mustard. Leave the green stuff
for another time.
He fully appreciates how much time and effort it takes him to perform this undemanding task,
and perhaps he should be angry about this because no one in court asked him about how this feels for a
grown man, who was used to having his independence. Still, no honest concern and sympathy would
change a single detail of the facts.
No, better he concentrate on making sure the tea doesn’t get too strong.
*
“I’m really hungry.” Daniël takes a big bite of the first sandwich. “Nice.”
Steve can’t help but grin from ear to ear.
They eat and drink in amicable silence, their legs touching, content with the simple food and
each other’s company.
“They will get their jail time, those men, and …” Daniël starts. “No matter what that lawyer
tried. But I bet we won’t like the numbers. You didn’t die; perhaps he even influenced how long they
will be put away by making you look bad. But what punishment would ever be enough for what’s been
done to you? To us? One at a time in a room with me and the other boys for, let’s say ten minutes?
Letting them rot in a hole in the ground for the rest of their miserable lives? Money? This wasn’t an
accident, an emotional flash in the pan. Their defence lawyer tried to sell them off as decent fans with
kids, being all shocked by the behaviour of one of their heroes, but they were out to hurt people long
before you set even one foot into the Queen Elizabeth Park.”
Steve nods and hums his encouragement.
“I know they won’t get what they deserve and I have to live with that and I don’t know how. I
don’t want hate and obsession with revenge dirtying our marriage, but there have been dreams I’m too
ashamed to tell you about, because they gave me such vile pleasure. I saw them sitting there and I
wondered how these men I had those dreams about could suddenly be that insignificant. Then I
realised I had you beside me. If I would be allowed, I would kill them. They don’t even have to suffer;
I’ve seen enough of that in the past months. But I’m not, and so I have to leave them behind. But how
do I do that?”
“I thought I would be trembling with fear, being confronted with my attackers. Instead I felt
almost indifference. I wouldn’t even have minded the cross examination all that much, I know there
will always be people doubting my words, but I hated how that lawyer made me say things twisted
into half-truths. He made me hurt you.” Steve feels how he can’t stop himself from digging the fingers
of his right hand into Daniël’s left thigh.
“He failed. I did hurt, so much, but not because I believed for even one second what he tried to
make you say. So what if you had a few pints? I can imagine you being frustrated about how we had to
hide all the time. I know I was. I wanted to introduce you to mum and dad, not keep my mouth shut
about you for two days. Whether or not our relationship is sexually exclusive is between you and me
and no one else. And even if you had been cruising, that still wouldn’t be an excuse for what they did
to you. It shouldn’t have been about if you are a true saint of a victim, almost inhuman in perfection,
but about the fact that a human being has been so brutally attacked he almost died. The rest of our
lives will be influenced by what happened in that park. And the ones responsible for that need to be
put away for as many years as the law allows.” Daniël frowns. “You looked so lost and lonely and I
needed to be with you, because I saw how much you needed me. It felt like I was abandoning you.”
“It must have been excruciating for you, sitting there, watching.”
“Your words felt like poison to me. No matter what I pretend, it would have hurt like mad if
you had been there to look for sex with other men. And that was exactly what that lawyer was aiming
for; making everyone doubt.”
Steve closes his eyes for a moment to let the panic pass through his body.
“Please, don’t think I doubted your love or your integrity for even a millisecond. But it still
reminded me of how close I had been to losing you. And then it wouldn’t have mattered for what
reason you had been there, because you wouldn’t have been able to tell me. I know you are your own
man, but I don’t want anyone but me seeing that look in your eyes when you’re inside me, or hearing