you were in intensive care and I could be with you.

“Mum didn’t understand why I hadn’t told her and dad. I think she was a little bit upset with

me, like I didn’t trust them. Like they hadn’t given me the right upbringing, or something. They would

have welcomed you into the family, after asking a lot of questions, of course. She was always worried

I would fall in love with someone who wasn’t really interested in me, Daniël, but in someone who’s a

bit famous and with money. You have made a name of your own, have your own money.

“They stayed a bit longer than they had planned, but they had to go home. They have phoned

every single day. Naomi too. I wish she would tease me and make jokes about you and me, because

then I’ll know everything is all right. They’re all so nice and caring.

“What the doctor told me? Yeah, right, I tried to forget that, but I can’t. She looked so perfect,

with shiny black hair and tiny hands. She never used medical language that doesn’t mean a thing to

me. She tried to explain to me why you would die without actually saying it.

“Cranial bleeding. Swelling of the brain. Fractured cheekbones. Fractured eye socket.

Fractured upper jaw. Fractured lower jaw. Several teeth missing. Bruising and swelling.

“Several fractured ribs. Fractured collarbone. Fractured bones in both left and right hands.

Fractured wrist on the left side. Fractured bones in both left and right under arms. Fractured right

upper arm. Bruises covering most of the torso and the arms. Bruises covering almost all of the back,

several overlapping. Ruptured spleen. Damage to the stomach, liver and kidneys. Severe internal

bleeding. Damage to the spinal column.

“Complicated open fractures in both legs. Fractured ankles. Fractured kneecaps. Fractured

bones in both feet. Severe bruising of both legs.

“Bleeding wounds all over the body. Grazes. Bruises.

“You were in a shock because of the blood loss and the pain. You went into cardiac arrest twice

during the time they tried to get you into the operating theatre, once more in the theatre itself.

“They only worked on the life threatening injuries, leaving most of the fractures and cuts and

bruises for later.

“You were kept in an artificial coma. I guess they were surprised you came out of the theatre

alive and they wanted to give you the chance to die in peace. You know, going slowly from here to

whatever there is. Perhaps that’s why they let me stay in the beginning. It would be over soon, they

must have thought. Give the boy a few hours to get used to the idea.

“But you didn’t die. Not that day, not the day after that, not the week after that or the month

after that. They suggested I could go home after a day. To get some rest.

“I thought: as long as I’m with you, in the same room, death doesn’t stand a chance. Yeah, I

know, stupid me.

“I’ve haven’t left the hospital for even half an hour since that day. The head nurse made me

solemnly promise to never get into their way and let them do their job. Sometimes the gaffer or the

captain and the other boys bring club shirts, signed and all, to hand out to the kids. The nurses even

put up a bed on the other end, so I don’t have to sleep sitting on a chair.

“I didn’t leave the room for the first week, not even if they had to take care of your wounds and

infections or when they cleaned the mucus out of your lungs. I couldn’t take the risk.

“There was that tiny patch on your arm that was just undamaged skin. I started touching that.

One finger first. Just touching, because I had to know there was still something left of you. And I

began to remember you. How you tried to look inconspicuous while you were watching me reading a

book. How you forgot to eat sometimes to watch me eating. How you couldn’t take your eyes off of

me when you fucked me. How you had given me the most wonderful six months of my life.

“It wasn’t like what you see in medical series, on TV. You lying there, all pale and still and not

making a sound, and then, suddenly, opening your eyes and be all awake and present again.

“It wasn’t like that.

“Sometimes your lips moved, but there wasn’t a sound. Or your eyelids fluttered. There were

those little spasms and twitches. A few times it looked like you tried to move your hand, but of course

you couldn’t.

“Sometimes you moaned. They said you couldn’t be aware of the pain. I wish I could believe

them. I was selfish for letting you suffer because I didn’t want to live without you.

“I sat and watched and wondered where you were. Would you come back to me?

“I touched that small piece of your arm, and then I kissed it. I started talking to you, because it

was impossible not to talk to you.

“The first time you looked into my eyes again it was almost five weeks after...

“After...

“It’s now more than three weeks since you opened your eyes. And you’ve done so well. You

can stay awake for nearly five hours a day, though not all on end yet. You can sip juice and broth. You

can move your fingers. And most wonderful of all, you can talk. It’s perhaps a bit slow and you need a

bit of time to remember some words, but I know that will be much better with practice.”

“They couldn’t make you leave me. But I will not talk of them.”

“You’re tired.” Daniël bows his head to kiss Steve’s arm. “Ik hou van je.”

“Two months...

“You...

“With me...

“Two months...”

Steve falls silent with the realisation of Daniël’s words.

Chapter 10

It can’t be avoided. A crime has been committed and he’s the only one, apart from the

perpetrators, who’s able to tell what actually happened. After what Daniël told him, Steve understands

the need for justice, for society to know who did this and punish them according to the law. Sounds

great and all but the thing is, it’s about him and he doesn’t want to let the monster come this close. As

long as it’s safely cowering in the far corner of the room, he can pretend he’s able to deal with it. But

as soon as the two officers, or rather detectives, one young man and one not-so-young woman, enter

the room and greet him and Daniël, he starts to shake. It’s the most peculiar feeling, the chattering of

his teeth, the tremors that make his body move in a way he couldn’t accomplish voluntarily.

The police officers simply wait, not commenting on anything, not trying to make him feel

more at ease. They stand aside and let Daniël touch Steve, let him whisper calming words until he’s

able to at least hear and understand their introduction.

The woman talks in a friendly, compassionate tone, but also in matter-of-fact words. She and

her colleague are here to do a job.

It’s been days since Daniël told his story. Steve can only try to guess the price in nightmares

his lover must be paying for his courage to sit and talk. He doesn’t mention it, since some things are

not meant to be seen, not be talked about, and what time but in his dreams to store such terrible

knowledge in a safer place? They don’t need to speak about it to see guilt move between them, thick

and tangible. Steve knows it’s no use telling Daniël it happened for no other reason than that it

happened. The risk to their careers of being indiscreet had been a very real one. The thing that actually

came to pass was hardly imaginable.

He wants to see the guilt gone from the eyes of his boy. They both had taken the most logical

decision, no matter that they could have placed their feet on another road and just taken the risk to see

if their fear of total rejection had indeed been justified. Who knows, they might actually have been