like he knew that he’d interrupted us.
“Don’t let us stop you from getting your drink,” I smiled, reminding Brad why he came downstairs. He
rushed to the kitchen to get his can of coke and then sped upstairs again.
“Fuck,” David muttered as Brad left the room again. “Do you think he heard us before he came in?”
“I don’t know,” I said trembling. “What were we thinking making out on the couch in our parents’ home
like that,” I whispered. “Were are bound to get caught like this.” David gripped my arm.
“I don’t think he saw anything.” His fingers dug in to my biceps. “I’ve waited so long for this Michael
and so have you. And it felt so good finally doing what we’ve both wanted for such a long time.”
“Yeah it did. It felt amazing. But what if one of the twins had come downstairs and had seen us or dad
had caught us red-handed, then what? Do you really want to risk everything by them finding out?”
“I know what I want Michael,” he said and he touched my cheekbone lovingly. “I’ll go home tonight
and let you think about what you want to do. You know I love you.”
“I love you too,” I whispered before he left.
29. Broken
The next couple of weeks I was torn up by my feelings, again. I knew I had to decide how to proceed
next; there was no way back for David and me. Either I chose him now or I would lose him forever. I
though about our kiss day and night, even had to jerk off before falling asleep. My body certainly knew
what it wanted. I wished my mind would feel the same.
David and I saw each other every day at work and in the evenings too because we had to arrange things
together for my dad’s party. There was still so much to do; arrange the location, arrange the catering, book
a decent photographer, make sure that all the invitations to over 400 guests where properly send and keep
a list of all people who send an RSVP. Some days were busy until midnight with all the things we had to
do.
I knew that David wanted to talk about what had happened during Christmas but I still wasn’t ready for
that conversation. I knew that the time had come to make a definite choice between being with him ‘for
real’ or finally putting an end to this. Either choice would break up our family. Choosing for David would
probably mean that my dad would never speak to me again and choosing to end things would mean that
David would never want to be around me anymore. I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and make
this all go away. Maybe I could go back to Europe and live there on my own? But I really didn’t want to
go back to France again, I loved being with my family and I loved my job too. The decision was driving
me crazy.
When I was late at home one evening, I stared at myself in my bathroom mirror. My razor and shaving
cream were on the sink where I’d left them that morning. How easy it would be to take that razor and just
slash it across my wrists. All my troubles would be gone. The thought shocked me. I’d never thought
about killing myself before, not even at university when I was feeling at my worst. I’d never felt suicidal
but now I was on the edge of feeling desperate.
The day of the party was quickly drawing nearer and two days before the date my dad gave David and
me the last couple of chores to take care of. David had bought himself a new car recently and we drove up
to the venue-hall where the party would take place. It was part of a fancy hotel with a big garden and a
small ball-room for dancing. We hauled in a couple of boxes with booklets about the firm that we’d had
printed as a surprise for my dad. It had pictures of my granddad it in, when he’d just started the firm and
of the old building where the firm was located until the seventies. It also contained a list of all partners
who had worked at the firm and many of them had something nice to say about dad in the booklet.
When we came out again after inspecting the location and dropping off the booklets, David was
dallying on the sidewalk. “What is it?” I asked annoyed, “Don’t just stand there, we have a lot more to
do.” It was getting exceptionally hot for the time of year and I was sweating in my expensive suit. I
wanted to get in the air-conditioned car. He looked at me and I knew what this was about.
“We need to talk,” he said. I knew what he wanted to talk about but this didn’t seem like the right time.
“No, we’ll talk later,” I replied.
“No, I think it’s important that we do it now,” he said.
“What? Here on the sidewalk where everybody can hear us?” I answered with a muffled voice.
“I don’t give a fuck about who can hear us,” David stated.
“Well I do,” I replied.
“Yeah I know you do, that’s the whole problem isn’t it? You’re always so worried about what other
people might think.”
“Shut up,” I said, getting angry.
“I won’t shut up until you say something.”
“Alright then, yeah I’m worried about what people might think. What do you think all of our colleagues
are going to say when they find out, not to mention our family.”
“Our family loves us. They’ll understand,” he said. “You’re just worried bout what dad is going to say
when he finds out.”
“I don’t want him to find out!” I said harshly. David looked angry.
“Well he’s going to find out because I can’t stand living like this anymore!”
“Just keep your mouth shut and don’t even think of telling dad,” I almost yelled.
“Keep my mouth shut about what? About the fact that you’ve wanted to fuck me for the past ten years?
It’s not the worst thing in the world, we are not even related by blood if you remember.” He yelled: “I’m
going to tell him whether you like it or not. You’ve had enough time to make up your mind and still you
won’t do anything! So I’m making the decision for you!”
“I won’t have you talk to dad,” I yelled back.
“You are a coward Michael!” he screamed at me. “You are a fucking coward! Just because nobody
knows about what we’ve been doing, doesn’t make it any less real. Do you remember all those fucked-up
nights in your bed? I want you and I know you want me too!”
“Please shut up,” I hissed. We were fighting so loud that people inside must have heard us. I looked
around to see if nobody was staring at us.
“So you are still afraid that someone might hear us?” David snickered. “You are afraid that somebody
will hear me say this: MICHAEL ADAMS WANTS TO FUCK HIS STEPBROTHER!” He yelled it from
the top of his lungs. “MICHAEL ADAMS LIKES TO MAKE OUT WITH HIS STEPBROTHER ON
THEIR PARENTS’ COUCH! MICHAEL ADAMS LIKES HIS STEPBROTHER TO SUCK HIS DICK!
MICHAEL…”
I swung back my arm and punched him hard in the face to shut him up. It had happened before I knew
what I was doing. My arm just moved back and forth mechanically like a piston and then connected with
his face. It hurt when my knuckles crashed against his nose. I heard something crack. Blood started to
spray from his nose as I lowered my fist and he tripped and fell backwards. I reached for him to keep him
up, but I wasn’t fast enough… He fell flat on his back and his head crashed on the tiles of the sidewalk
with a sickening blow. It was like everything happened in slow-motion, I could see what was going on but
I was too slow to stop it from occurring.
Then he just lay there on the sidewalk, blood gushing from his nose and not moving for a second or two.
My heart skipped a beat. I thought I’d killed him. I felt frozen to the sidewalk and only when he started
moaning a little, I could move again. I knelt beside him. The front of his T-shirt was soaked with blood. It
was everywhere, on his face, his teeth, his throat.