He took a seat in the chair directly next to me and popped the top of his beer, taking one long gulp before smashing the can in his hand. I looked over to him, and noticed the shiner that I’d left on his face. I smiled a bit. He looked at me with his eyebrows scrunched.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

We sat there, looking out into the yard at the small birds lining the wall, chirping and singing, directly contrasting with the dark mood that lay thick between us. I had a feeling that Jensen looked at me with utter disgust now and if I actually gave a fuck, I would probably be looking at myself the same way. Honest to God, if someone else had landed themselves in my predicament, I probably would have been the Jensen in the situation. Prior to meeting Cassie, I couldn’t fathom doing anything that was in direct violation of any Corps rules and regulations. The shame was much more than any punishment, and my loyalty to the Corps meant more to me than breathing. Things were always black and white, but with Cassie jumping into my world, I was now living in a very hazy shade of grey. Things that were so matter of fact before were no longer that way. Jensen couldn’t—didn’t want to see that. I couldn’t make him see it, and if it meant ripping our brotherhood apart, that was a choice I was just going to have to make.

He sat back, then exhaled loudly. We sat in an uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever. The birds came and went, and the sun set even lower as the orange and purple mixture stretched across a darkening sky. I’d finally had enough, so I stood and took a few steps toward the slider glass door when he finally spoke, stopping me in my tracks.

“Why, man?”

“Why, what?”

“Why her? Why now? I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this.”

I walked back over to where he sat, anger starting to boil deep within me.

“There is no answer. Only a feeling and I can’t deny what I feel for her.”

“Dude, you can fuck anything with two legs that opens up to a pussy. I don’t get why her.”

He still didn’t get it. In his eyes, Cassie was just another piece of ass, and that should have been very easy to move away from. He was so stuck in his box that he couldn’t see that maybe, just maybe, there was more to her than what he saw, or wanted to see.

“I don’t particularly like having to explain myself, but I’m going to go ahead and set the fucking record straight,” I grumbled. “I get that you still see life through the Corps. Fine, good for you. But, I’m lucky enough to have found someone who has helped me see life for what it is, and it’s not behind a fucking manual of rules that fail to address real life situations. I’m sorry that I fucking let my emotions come and play, and I’m sorry that you can’t understand that. But I will not apologize for falling for Bennett, and I will not allow you to make me feel fucking guilty about it.”

“You’re wallowing in your own guilt, Alex.”

“Why are you holding out? Why not just run to First Sergeant and end all of this for me?”

“Because that’s not who I am. What’s done in the dark will come to light. I’m not running to tell anyone anything. But if questions get asked, I won’t lie and compromise myself.”

“What a moral guy you are. Must make you feel so fucking good about yourself.”

He shifted his eyes up to me. The cold icy stare looked like a stranger had taken hold of him. He wasn’t the same guy I had come to know and love.

“I don’t understand. Because for everything that you say about her, you do something to totally contradict it.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“For starters, you willingly accept an award that makes you look like a hypocrite. And I thought your own self-worth was worth more than anything to you.” He stood, standing directly in front of me. “And Castillo. For all the fucking love in the world that you claim to have for Bennett, fucking Castillo is an awesome way of showing it.”

“Who told you that I fucked Castillo?” The gloves were off now. I wasn’t about to have my name trashed over some shit I hadn’t done. If people wanted to judge me based off of my actions, then so be it. But to judge me on some shit I hadn’t done was grounds for some motherfucking noses to be broken.

“Don’t act like you didn’t. I wouldn’t even give a fuck if you did, except that you claim to be so into Bennett. I can’t understand how, for the life of me, you could lead on another female. And Leti is my friend. I’ll be damned if I watch you walk all over a friend of mine, seeing as how you already have once, and especially not with someone who you shouldn’t be touching with a ten foot pole.”

Bile rose in my throat. I was so incensed, and I knew that if I didn’t mentally talk myself down, Jensen would be on the receiving end of my fist and I just wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go another round with him. I slowly creeped over to him, standing so close that all breathing room had damn near been eliminated.

“I thought you were fucking smarter than that, but I see you’re about as dumb as the fucking rocks lining this yard. You want to hate me? Hate me. But do it with a sense of dignity. I did not sleep with Leti on Friday, and you fucking know it. You roll around in the mud, you’re going to get dirty.”

I stepped back and watched him. He didn’t flinch.

“As much as you hate what I have become, I hate what you are… what I was.” I turned and took a few steps towards the door before yelling out, “And hurry up and get your shit. You aren’t the fucking person I thought you were.”

I walked into the house and didn’t say another word to him. If he hated me, I was slowly learning to hate him right back. All of his self-righteous indignation was no more than a bucket of shit, pissed on twice as far as I was concerned. Did he have a point? Not in my mind. As long as I performed my job with no undue bias, there wasn’t shit he could say to me. My personal life was my personal life, and regardless of what the rules of the Corps said, I had reached the point of no return. Even with Cassie being mad, angry, disappointed, or whatever the fuck she was with me, I was determined to move forward.

And moving forward meant getting her back.

Early the next morning, I took a long run through Twentynine, letting Newsome and Jensen lead the students on their PT run. I needed as much distance from Jensen as humanly possible, and since we taught a class together, I had to steal away all I could get.

When I did make it to base, I was on a rampage, scouring the schoolhouse and looking for Castillo everywhere that I thought she would be.

No luck.

 One of the females in admin said she had taken leave and wouldn’t be back until after the holiday.

Dammit!

I walked into the classroom. Newsome already had the class going for the day. Jensen was in the back, sifting through paperwork and never once making eye contact with me. If I hadn’t had the conversation I’d had with him the night before, it would have bothered me. But today—today, he was just another co-worker of mine, and interaction was unnecessary.

What did bother me was when I finally got a glimpse of Cassie and saw scratches on her forehead. What the fuck had happened to her? My fists subconsciously clenched into tight wads as I sat there, looking at the markings of what looked like a rabid animal. My heart lurched at the realization that something physical had happened, and I hadn’t been around to protect her. Sure, she was a Marine and was more than capable of defending herself, but that shit didn’t matter to me. Marine or not, and it was my job to make sure she was secure no matter what the circumstances.

I sat festering in my own self-anguish. Ungodly thoughts stabbed my brain as I thought about her altercation and how I was going to handle it once I had found out the story. I was sick to my stomach with queasiness, and even angrier with the fact that I wasn’t around for her and that she hadn’t even contacted me to let me know about it.