“I heard he’s been through motherfucking hell,” Blaze said, turning questioning golden eyes on hers. Not accusing, but cautious. Like the jury was out for him.

“He has,” she said around the lump in her throat. “Part of that is my fault.”

“Oh, I don’t know. When you trace this thing back to the root-Dietz and his greed-I think there’s plenty of blame to go around. We all accepted him, answered to him as our second- in-command. Even when the signs began to show, no one did anything. The problem was overlooked until… well, this.”

This was Lily, shot. Jude lying pale and still, lashes rested against his cheeks, dark smudges under his eyes. His hair spilled like blood around his head. His sleep was unnatural, his chest barely rising and falling.

Perching on the edge of the bed, she checked his pulse. Too fast and shallow. He might recover at this point, or he might not.

Look what I’ve done to you.

“You guys want something to drink? I can check the fridge,” Blaze offered.

“No thanks,” she said.

“Me, either.”

“All right. I’m going to stand watch outside. Oh, take this, just in case.” He pulled a SIG from the small of his back and laid it on the nightstand. “Yell if you need me.”

When the agent was gone, Liam looked her straight in the eye, no trace of his warmth or humor present. “I think it’s time you told me a story, don’t you?”

“I deceived you both, from the start. I was sent to kill him.”

Liam sucked in a shocked breath and hung his head. He didn’t say a word, just listened as the whole fantastic, ugly truth came to light. Weapons theft, espionage, Jude finding out one of the bosses had done it, then his being framed, his mind swept. Liam knew the rest.

“You’re telling me Jude is some secret agent for this SHADO group? An assassin?” He shook his head.

“Yes. When you think back on everything, I’m sure you’ll see the pieces fall into place. The trips, how he’d come home in knots afterwards.”

“Why didn’t he ever tell me? I thought he trusted me,” he said in a hurt voice. “I never would’ve said a word.”

“Oh, sweetie, he didn’t want to see you hurt. If you didn’t know about his other life, you had less chance of being used against him. Now that you do know, he’s going to worry.”

“He might send me away.” His chin quivered.

“No, I don’t think that will ever happen. Even if you make up with Dev and Geneva, he’s not going to let you go far. He and Dev will protect you.”

“You think so?”

“I’m positive. We just have to focus on getting him better right now.”

Liam swallowed. “What if these SHADO people decide I’m some sort of threat because I know about them? They could ice me and no one outside your agency would know.”

“You watch too much spy stuff. It doesn’t work that way-the agents at SHADO are the good guys, in spite of how this all looks to you at the moment. It’s like working anywhere else; we have our problem employees. In Dietz’s case, a bad one slipped through, and he convinced a few to follow him. But he’s the exception.”

“So you protect citizens?”

“Yes. We wipe out terrorist threats long before the media ever gets wind of them. We stop the bad guys short of their goal, or we die trying. Sounds a bit corny, but it’s what we do.”

“It doesn’t sound corny at all.”

“Liam, I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I want you to know how terribly sorry I am that I didn’t question Dietz’s orders sooner. We’re trained to follow orders, period, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I was wrong. You were hurt, and so was Jude.”

“I know you did what you had to do,” he said carefully. “You’re not a bad person.” He didn’t say he forgave her. Didn’t embrace her.

The pain was almost unbearable. “I’m a cold person. I’m hard, and have been for a long time. It was easier not to feel, and I don’t know how to change.”

“Funny, you weren’t hard and cold at all when you were with us,” he said quietly. “You were warm, and you seemed to care for us. I don’t think anyone could fake the passion we all shared in bed, either. I thought you were falling for Jude, too. I wonder who the real Lily is.”

The question cut deep.

The answer was, she had no idea.

Sixteen

I love you. Please forgive me.

Jude didn’t awaken so much as he ascended from the depths of hell. His teeth chattered. So cold. He hurt so bad, his internal organs giving up the ghost. It was like he could feel his system winding down, like the lights in a house being turned off one by one.

Death would be a blessing.

After all these years of living on the edge, expecting a bullet in the head, to go out like this, in a sneak attack, was a rich irony. He’d lived hard and played harder, and he’d die with barely a whimper.

Focusing on his surroundings, he listened. He could have sworn Lily was talking to him. Saying she loved him and asking for his forgiveness.

Was it as simple as that? Could two people fight past something like this? Could he trust her?

Did it matter?

Seeking some relief from the pain, he rolled to his side. As he did, footsteps approached on a hard surface and Lily spoke softly.

“You’re awake. I won’t ask how you feel.”

“Where are we?”

“ Tennessee, at the safe house.”

He digested this.

“How many men have you eliminated with the poison?” He hadn’t intended to ask, but some perverse part of him wanted to know. “I’m not accusing you. I know it’s your job, but I’m just curious.”

“That’s macabre.”

“Humor me.”

“Two.”

“So few?” He was surprised.

“Well, you know as well as I that it’s not wise to use the same method too often. Unlike you, perched atop a building somewhere with a scope, I go in close. People remember.”

“Who were they?”

“You know I can’t tell you that. But they were working with terrorists. They were a threat to all Americans.”

“So I was in good company, then.”

The legs of a chair scraped and she leaned close, caressing his face. “No. I thought so at first. I have to believe in a target’s guilt to my bones, but with you… looking back, I know I never really believed. I didn’t want to. I tried to tell myself I was going soft, letting my attraction to you cloud my thinking, responsibility to the job. But my heart was telling me that you couldn’t have done what Dietz said.”

“Lily…”

I love you.

But he couldn’t say that now. The timing wasn’t right.

“I forgive you.” He knew she needed the words. Her scent enveloped him as her arms came around him, a kiss brushing against his lips. “Thank you. You can’t know how much that means to me.”

“I know how I would feel if I learned I’d killed an innocent target,” he said. The idea sickened him.

“That’s always a possibility in our work.”

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

“So true. Who wrote that?”

“Spider-Man, I think.”

“Seriously.”

“I am ser-” A spasm of pain shook his limbs and he knew he had to get out his request before he lost his nerve. “Lily, if our doctors can’t help me-”

“No!” she blurted, voice hitching.

“Listen-”

“I already know what you’re going to ask, and forget it.”

“You’d want me to suffer? I can’t live like this, if there’s no end to this agony. Say you’ll help me,” he entreated.

“Jude-”

“For me. To bring me peace.”

She didn’t answer for a long moment. When she did, he knew she was crying. “For you. But only if there’s no hope at all, which is unlikely. You’re going to recover.”

Reaching out, he skimmed her shoulder to her neck, then up to her face. Searched for the damned tears, wiping them with his thumb. “It means everything that you’d take care of me.”

Pop had cared for him, too. Had loved Jude enough to protect him from the human monsters of the world. He’d have done the same thing Lily had just agreed to do if he were still around for Jude to ask.