She needed to come to his home and get an idea of who he was outside the office. “Take a taxi. I’ll drive you home.”

“Okay.”

He almost told her to bring the pink handcuffs, but he wasn’t into self-torture.

Chapter 6

Idiot. Imbecile. Ninny. Blockhead. Dimwit. Dope. Dumbbell. Dummy. Nitwit. Numskull. Pinhead. Birdbrain. How many words for stupid were there? Not enough.

Beth rolled in her bed, the silk sheets mocking her with their sensual feel, her body tense with unspent passion. She’d had the man who embodied her most intense fantasies in her bedroom…his hard penis jutting from his body in desire for her, and she’d sent him away. Okay, so she didn’t want to get involved with him, not long term…but was she nuts?

He’d accused her at dinner of being afraid to live. He said she was a dreamer, not a doer. Or something close enough to it. Was he right? She thought maybe he was. What other explanation did she have for not jumping at the chance to make wild passionate love with him?

Well maybe it would be sex and not love, but wasn’t that better than always dreaming and never doing? He’d asked why she’d never left D.C. since she felt like she didn’t fit in here. The true answer was that she was afraid to try to make a life for herself somewhere else. But why? What could be worse than knowing her own parents thought she was an alien? Or as good as.

She could get a job somewhere else…live somewhere else. But she was afraid. Afraid to live in any real sense.

Why?

She couldn’t think straight enough to answer her own inner demand. Her body was screaming with sexual hunger left unsatisfied. It was not a good feeling.

She looked at the clock and blinked, but the numbers stayed the same. It was nearly two A.M. and she was too excited to sleep. She could touch herself-would probably end up doing so-but right now she was so mad at herself for being such a wuss, she wouldn’t give herself the relief.

Her eyes filmed with tears. It hurt to disappoint yourself.

The phone rang and she lurched up in bed to check the caller ID. Middle of the night calls usually meant trouble. Had something happened with her mom or dad? The digital readout on the back of the phone read Crane, E. It was Ethan!

She snatched it up on the second ring. “Hello?”

“You awake?” he asked in that low rumble she found so sexy.

“If I wasn’t, I am now.”

“Were you?” he pressed, giving her no out with flippancy.

She sighed. “Yes.”

“Me, too.”

“Why?”

“I got hot and bothered over a very sexy woman with surprisingly kinky tendencies and I can’t get the image of her pretty little panties out of my brain.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh…I’m not wearing any panties now.” Somehow, she didn’t think that would help the situation, but the words had just slipped out.

He groaned and she smiled, in spite of herself.

“I’m not wearing anything,” he said in a dark voice that made her shiver.

“Um…” She swallowed. “Me either. Well, except a gold silk sheet.” She hated any kind of restriction when she slept.

“You’re killing me here, baby.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“I know…you’re just having a hard time deciding what you want.”

“I know what I want.”

“You didn’t when I left your apartment.”

“I wanted you then, but I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Living.” She sighed. “I guess you were right. I am more of a dreamer than a doer.”

“What scares you so much about living?”

That was easy. “Getting hurt.”

“Pain reminds us that we are alive.”

“I suppose.”

“It’s also a good reminder not to take the times of pleasure for granted.”

A man who practiced extreme sports in his free time and whose job routinely put his life on the line would think like that.

“I spent a lot of my childhood daydreaming. It was more fun than dwelling on real life.” It had hurt less, too. “I guess I never got out of the habit.”

“What did you fantasize about?”

“Having two parents who loved me, having a real family.”

“Your parents do love you, Sunshine.”

“Yes, but when I was little, I wasn’t convinced of it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want pity, Ethan. They never abused me, or set out to hurt me.”

“But they did hurt you, and now you find it easier to expect nothing from life but your fantasies.”

He was right, but she’d admitted that once tonight. She wasn’t going to say so again. Besides, he might not realize it, but for a woman who had prided herself on her honesty, realizing she’d lived most of her life in a dream world wasn’t a happy thing.

“I tried once to live the dream, but it exploded in my face.” She wasn’t sure if she was defending herself to herself or to him.

“What dream?”

“The get-married-and-have-a-real-family one.”

“What happened?”

“He stood me up at the altar.”

Ethan said a very bad word.

She winced…but not from his curse. She hadn’t intended to tell him about her aborted engagement. In fact, she’d been firm in her desire to keep it all in the past where it belonged, but apparently late-night phone conversations weren’t good for her resolve. Her room was dark around her. No one was there but her and the kittens sleeping in their cushy little bed on the other side of the room. The phone tucked next to her ear felt more like part of a dream than a reality…and therefore safe.

“I didn’t date a lot in college,” she admitted, not sure why the words were still spilling out. “I was shy.”

“Afraid.”

“That, too.”

“How did you meet him?”

“I was the investment counselor assigned to his stock portfolio. I didn’t find out he was an agent until we were on our fifth date. By then, I liked him. A lot. I didn’t want to stop dating. He’d told me he worked for the government like half of D.C. and I even understood why he waited to tell me he was an agent. The fact he trusted me with the information that early made me feel special. We fell in love. Or I thought we did. But I don’t think you can stand up your bride at the altar if you really love her. Do you?”

“Why did he stand you up?” Ethan asked instead of answering.

“He was on an assignment. He wasn’t supposed to be, but a former case reopened and his role was key. He thought he’d be done before the wedding, but he didn’t get back into the country until three days after. He didn’t call either…he just didn’t show up.”

“Maybe he couldn’t call.”

“That’s what he said, but it doesn’t matter, does it? If our upcoming marriage had really mattered to him, he would have found a way.”

“Maybe…”

She knew the maybes and she even understood them, but they didn’t change anything. “It doesn’t matter. Being stood up at the altar made me realize our relationship was never going to go where I needed it to.”

“You gave up the dream because it wasn’t perfect.”

The tears that had filled her eyes spilled over, but she concentrated on keeping them from her voice. “You could put it that way but, Ethan…do you know what it’s like to wonder if you matter at all to the people who are supposed to love you? I really didn’t want that for any children I might have. I didn’t want it for me any longer.”

She hadn’t been strong enough and she had to face that, not that it would change anything.

“Are you okay, Beth?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sound like you’re crying.”

She took a deep breath and got her feelings under control before talking again. “I’m fine. Really. Just tired.”

“And horny.”

She laughed, the sound choked. “That, too.”

“Between your ex-fiancé and your dad, they convinced you that agents make lousy long-term partners, didn’t they?”

“I was convinced of it before Alan and I met, but I took a chance.” Not that she’d had much choice. By the time she’d learned he was an agent, she was already on the way to being head over heels in love with him. Her mom’s advice had been sound, but she’d had no opportunity in that relationship to apply it. “It didn’t play out like I’d hoped.”