His head was on my collarbone, breaths softly brushing against my skin. He was moments from falling into a drunken stupor with his fingers still buried in my treacherous pussy. Yes, that’s right. I decided to blame it all on my pussy and her unwavering need to feel Xander’s touch.

He sighed, lying half on me, half on the bed. I shifted and his fingers slipped out of me. His other hand rested over my breast. Then he finished me off with a dagger to the heart.

“I love you so much it hurts,” he mumbled.

I choked back a sob as I slipped out from under the heavy weight of his arm, fixed my clothes, and crossed the room. He weakly lifted his head, reaching out for me, but quickly slumped back down and fell asleep.

Out on the patio, I lay on the lounger and gazed up at the stars. Outside, I was still in one piece, but inside, I was shattered. I was in no shape to drive home. So I lay out under the stars and did something I hadn’t done since the night my parents died.

I let go and cried.

I grieved for my parents and sobbed because I was so completely in love with the man who had taken them from me. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know how to reconcile the guilt I felt for carrying these feelings for someone I should hate. Love was a complex emotion. You could combine hate, disappointment, resentment, pain, grief, confusion, and add a drop of love, and somehow that emotion took over everything else—rose to the top and controlled everything you were.

The saddest part was Xander knew he had a chance. I knew he had a chance. I loved him beyond reason, and he was taking full advantage of that.

Hangovers

Avery

I woke with a start. The sun was coming up, and a chill passed through me from the early morning breeze. I heard a clattering sound and sat up. I glanced through the glass door that led into Xander’s room, but he was still asleep. A light flicked on in another part of the house, and I heard more noise.

There were two doors leading out onto the patio, and the other one led into the kitchen. I got up, crept around the corner, and peeked through the door. My breath caught when I saw Veronica in Xander’s kitchen.

Her back was to me and the doors were locked, so I made my way back to Xander’s room, came inside through that door, and then went straight to the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded, a little too pushy for someone who wanted nothing to do with Xander anymore. But considering his hand had been in my panties hours ago, I presumed that gave me a right to answers. Or so I convinced myself.

She frowned and continued fixing herself a sandwich. Then she shrugged. “I’ve been here for three days,” she said all matter-of-fact.

I watched her move around Xander’s kitchen in her bra and panties as if she were at home. I was angry. I could admit that. Jealous? I wasn’t so eager to admit that, but the twinge was present. It didn’t mean I wanted my place back in Xander’s life; it just meant I wasn’t happy he could so easily replace me, then lure me back in last night with magic fingers and gut-wrenching words that spoke to my heart.

I shook my head and walked back toward Xander’s room. I wasn’t going to spend energy arguing with Veronica when I could get answers from Xander.

“Xander!” I stormed into his room.

“Hmm,” he grumbled, grabbing a pillow and sandwiching his head between it. He was completely nude, curled up on his side with his abs taut and his huge, hard cock on display.

God, I miss that cock. I shook my head to clear the lust that was slowly building and cursed my body for being so weak.

And when the hell did he get naked?

“Xander!”

“Hmmm… hurts…” He moaned. The hangover was hitting him full force.

“Xander.” I crossed my arms, standing over him. He peeked out from under the pillow and flinched.

“So bright.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and I yanked away the pillow. He moaned again before looking at me through narrowed eyes. “You look like an angel.”

“You need to get up. We need to talk before I leave.”

He turned onto his back, rubbing his palm over his face, and I had to turn around because really, there was no need to torment myself with his naked glory.

“Can I shower first?” he grumbled.

I nodded and stood there with my back to him until he got up and went to the bathroom. Then I plopped onto his bed and waited.

Xander came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and another towel in his hand, rubbing it against his wet hair.

“Why is Veronica here?” I asked first. All the important things we needed to talk about, and I let my jealousy take the front seat.

He didn’t hesitate. “She flew out here after her boyfriend roughed her up. I couldn’t just turn her away.”

“Did you sleep with her?” I studied his face for a reaction.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He grimaced, then shook his head. “No.”

“How long is she staying?”

“I’m taking her to the airport today. She’s sucking me back into a place I don’t want to be. This place isn’t working out for her anyway.” He pulled off his towel, turned, and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs from his dresser.

I stood and turned my back to him.

“Look, Xander, you can’t pull something like this again, then call me and make me feel like shit,” I said, trying to focus on the wall instead of him parading around naked.

He looked confused. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”

“I know, but when you break your sobriety and I know it’s about us, I feel bad.” I sighed. “I mean, you called me and—”

“It won’t happen again.” He stopped moving around and gave me a sincere look of sorrow. I was pretty sure I pushed him over the edge when I ended our phone call the first time, but he obviously didn’t want me to bring it up.

“What are you going to do?”

He sat on the edge of the bed, ran a hand through his wet hair, and hung his head. “I’m going to call my sponsor. It’s not like I can just walk into any random AA meeting without being outed to the press.”

I nodded. “Just talk to someone.”

“Can I talk to you?” he asked in a low tone.

“No, Xander. That would be a horrible idea.”

“Who am I supposed to talk to? Who can I trust with all this?” The desolation in his voice broke my heart all over again.

No one.

I covered my face with my hands and sighed. I knew I shouldn’t, but I was never good at turning away someone who needed me. I knew I was going to help him, but what’s worse, I knew I wanted to do more than just help him. I wanted to understand him. I wanted to know what made him this controlling, obsessive man. I couldn’t blame him for being controlling. I thought I had perfect control over my life before all this started. But with Xander, his extremes brought him to the edge, and in a way, maybe I wanted to know why. But I was afraid if I did know, I’d make excuses for his behavior just to convince myself I could have him again.

“Please.” He pleaded with his eyes.

Fuck , why am I always so weak with him?

“If we do this, no talking about us getting back together.”

He nodded his acceptance, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.

“You can come in Monday at our regularly scheduled time.” My lunch hour. We’d kept up that appointment, but I usually blocked out the session afterward because Xander tended to be needy in many ways… but not this time.

“Thanks,” he said, slanting a glance up at me from his seat on the bed.

“Don’t thank me. Maybe I’m doing this for me too… Maybe it will give us closure.”

“Don’t say that.” This time his head snapped up and his green eyes bored into me.

I shrugged, then walked out before Xander started stating all the reasons I shouldn’t give up on us. It was bad enough my heart was already making a list for that very same reason.