And

I

leaped.

The waters rushed up to meet me.

I will not utter a word of what lies beyond, only to say this: I see. You tricked me for long enough, and I see. I bet you’re afraid. I bet you’re reading this right now and shuddering.

And you should be afraid. Because I’m coming.

104

The following entry was presumably written shortly after the previous entry, as the ink is identical.

Diary of Kaitlyn Johnson

Date, Time, and Location Not Noted

Her dear, sweet voice! My little sister—she sounds so sad and alone.

“Kaitie, where’s Carly? I want to see Carly!”

Maybe it was a mistake to call her from Scott’s phone, but I had to ground myself, and she’s the last thing left.

“I’m going to find her,” I said. I didn’t lie. I am going to find her.

“Take me with you,” she begged.

No. She can’t come with me, because I know the end already. Haji was right, Dee—I knew it all along.

105

The following diary entry is written in an almost illegible hand, and is difficult to fully grasp at first. This copy of the first paragraph has been included as originally written, in order to demonstrate her state of mind, following which the entry has been transcribed.

There never was any choice I know that now but Dee my soul is burning! I want to cast off my skin and throw it into the flames and walk around in my bones because then maybe this all will go away. Maybe my bones will turn to dust and I will float away, on the breeze, free like I have always wanted.

[Transcription]:

There never was any choice I know that now but Dee my soul is burning! I want to cast off my skin and throw it into the flames and walk around in my bones because then maybe this all will go away. Maybe my bones will turn to dust and I will float away, on the breeze, free like I have always wanted.

I know, I’ll try, but it’s so hard, it’s so painful. Everything is over, I just want it to be over, I don’t know why I am here to suffer like this, do you find it funny? Is that what I am? A joke? An experiment?

Ari was in the chapel on the hill and somehow I knew he would be. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew I had no choice. My feet carried me up there without my brain engaging because it was simply the way it had to be.

Because, Dee, it suddenly made so much sense. I had to talk to him, find out. Because it wasn’t John, you see? Because John is gone now and this is still happening. John… I’m so sorry. My friend, my brother—you were trying to save me, for so long. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it! I’m sorry you ever had to see me in Masqued, that I was ever here to taint your life. You were innocent.

It wasn’t Scott either, because Scott has been with Naida, and I still feel the school pulsing its filthy energy into me. And it’s not Haji because he’s the one who warned me in the first place, and he’s gone away. Brett is dead—oh, God, so much death. And that leaves Ari.

Ari, who hung the bind Haji gave me. Ari, who comforted me and told me everything was going to be okay. Ari, who told me I was his forever and who kissed me and touched me and—

This whole time Ari has been the link.

It was Ari.

I couldn’t believe it at first, but I had to know. So I went to talk to him. Just to talk, you understand? I think he was expecting me, because he was different. He was so happy, smiling, almost laughing. I remember it all so clearly please God I wish I didn’t.

He said, “Oh, Kaitie,” and I said, “Yes.” I said, “It was you all along, right? You’re the Shyan.” He smiled gently and said, “It’s not that simple.” My whole chest was concave. He said, “It’s just a technicality.”

“A technicality? What do you mean?” I said. He said that nothing was ever that simple and that “all is fair in love and war.” “Why are you doing this?” I asked, and he laughed and said he wanted me. “I want you. I love you; can’t you see that? I want to free you. Why else all this trouble?”

“Trouble. Is Carly trouble?” I said. “Is Juliet trouble? What about John and Brett and Naida? Are they all trouble too?”

“Yes.” He said yes. So simple. So blunt. I couldn’t believe I was talking to my Ari. “I’m sorry, Kaitie. I don’t mean to sound so glib. Not at all. But I had to free you. You were trapped. They were keeping you hostage in your own double life.”

“What happened to you?” I said, but the words barely left my mouth.

“I am what I am,” he said, “and I love you more than anything.”

“No. No no no.” I told him that over and over but he just stepped closer and closer and whispered “yes” over and over and it was pointless and also important.

“I don’t understand. How did you know about all this stuff?”

“Army brat,” he said, smiling in a way that was not joyful, not at all. “Remember? I’ve lived in so many places I’ve lost count. When I went to the Orkney Islands, I met an intriguing woman. She used to live on Fair Island and knew Naida’s grandmother—had studied under her. She taught me a lot. I dabbled in witchcraft for a while, and some voodoo as well.” He smiled, as though remembering fondly. “But when I heard about Mala, I was intrigued. It’s much more ancient, much more potent.”

“What about the Grúndi? How could you mess with that stuff? How could you even think of using dirty conjurings like that?”

“That woman, Naida’s grandmother’s pupil—she had broader interests than Mala rituals. It’s the reason she left the island. She was the one who opened the door to Grúndi to me. I learned what she knew, and then it was time to move, yet again, and this time we moved to London. Grúndi central, if you know where to look.”

“How could you not tell me?”

“Would you have understood?”

I couldn’t reply. I was so confused.

“But… why take away Carly?”

“She was a parasite, Kait. She was a leech. She was draining you. Stealing half your life, making you miserable. We could barely be together. You were always hiding, always in shadow, always so sad and trapped and—you were a hostage. I tried… I tried to switch you first. Make her the night half for a change. I tried to keep things simple, knowing it would hurt you to lose her entirely. But you can’t do things halfway. It didn’t work. I had to go deeper. Do more.” He paused, his eyes intense. “Free you.”

Could someone love me like this? Could someone do so much for me because he really, truly does love me? Me for me, and not me for Carly?

“Ari,” I begged. “Stop it. Please stop it.”

He smiled sadly, stepped closer, touched my arms. When my dad told me we were moving to Somerset, I chose Elmbridge. I thought it was for Naida, and then I met you… You turned the world around. I knew in that moment, I would love you. Then: Carly is gone. “Carly is gone. You’re free.”

He didn’t know. He didn’t know that I had already found the door to that place beyond and walked through it and come back. Somehow this seemed important.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “Why me? Why Carly? What do you want her for? And the others? Explain it to me.”

He smiled patiently, and I wanted to hurt him even as I felt my love for him stubbornly refusing to die. “The others are expendable, for you. Everyone is, for you. I was trying to reach you. To give you what’s yours.”