I remember the feeling of being watched at the station, and out, on the street, and suppress a shiver. “Why would he be following me?” The scars on my arm ache. I rub one of the deeper ones absently. “How the fuck would he know where to find me? It’s been years since the attack.”

Jason shoots me a shrewd look and cocks his head to the side. “You tell me, J. You never told me much about that night, or what happened afterward. You and Simon, you have history, don’t you?”

I press my lips together and lean back on the wall, kicking a foot up to rest on the smooth surface. “History. Sounds dirty.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Time you told me the story. It’s been years, man.”

I sigh. These are things I never told a soul. I hedge, rub my face, search for my smokes in my pocket.

Jason waits me out, until I start talking.

“That night wasn’t the first time Simon came to me,” I finally say. “Somehow he’d decided I’d be a good fit for his gang. So he cornered me again and again, insisting I join. I said no. I don’t do gangs, guns and drugs.”

The rules Helen set for me before she vanished.

Jason is leaning forward, brows lifted. “Go on.”

“That night… he wanted me to submit to him.” I open my mouth to say more, but the words fail me. Dammit.

Jason lets out a low whistle. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

I nod.

“Holy shit.” He fumbles for his pack of smokes. “Didn’t know he’s batting for my team.”

“Maybe he isn’t. See, it’s about control and dominance, or some shit like that.” I googled it on Gage’s laptop one night when I woke up drenched in sweat, my mind playing the events of that night in a never-ending loop of horror.

Suddenly Jason grabs my arm, his eyes round as saucers, and he looks sickly pale. “Dammit, J, he didn’t… He didn’t manage to force you, right?”

“No.” I shake my head. “Shook the motherfucker off and kneed him in the balls. Could be why he went into a rage and broke a fucking bottle on my arm.”

“Christ, J.” Jason snorts, shoulders shaking, then releases my arm and glares at me. “It’s not funny.”

“Never said it was.”

A beat of silence.

“Is that why you left right after?” Jason asks.

“I went to a group home for a while. I didn’t feel safe here.”

His turn to nod, gaze turned inward, and I really hope he isn’t reliving some dark memory of his own. “And now?”

Now… I glance around in the gathering darkness. “He only has to make one wrong step, and they’ll take him in. Meanwhile… Watch your back, Jason.”

“You, too, baby. Take good care of that gorgeous body for me.” He winks at me, gives me one of the lazy grins that nets him both men and women, and turns to go. “See you around.”

***

Although in front of Jason I pretended not to give a shit, on my way to work I jump at shadows and imaginary footsteps. I arrive at the taco joint out of breath, my heart slamming against my ribs as if trying to escape.

Jesus Christ, man. This shit is really getting to me.

“Ho, boy.” Mel scowls at me as I grab the baseball cap with the joint’s logo and ram it on my head. “Slow down. Someone after you?”

“No. No one’s after me.” I grab the bags of greens and start tearing them open, pouring them into a bowl. “How’s business tonight?”

It takes Mel a long moment to reply, and when I look up, my brows draw together, because he’s sweating, his face red as if with fever.

“Business’s fine,” he finally says. “Isn’t it your night off tonight?”

I shrug. Better working than having time to think. “You okay, Mel?”

“Sure I am. Too warm tonight.”

Well, he has a point. Inside the joint it’s pretty hot. “Why don’t you go sit outside? I’ve got this.”

“I’m sure you do.” He chuckles, but doesn’t get up. “Said I’m okay, boy. Make sure there’s cheese and chilies ready in the bowls.”

“Yessir.”

“Hey, you know how I ended up here? Did I ever tell you the story?”

I glance back at him, surprised. I’ve never heard him talk about his past. “No.”

“Ah, well, it’s a long one. To keep it short, I used to live on a farm, back when. My family owned cattle. We grew up there, my brothers and I. Those were good times.”

“Didn’t know you had brothers.” I pretend to check the chili bowl, curious to hear more.

“Two of them. Howard and Dale.” He wipes at his brow with a big, gnarled hand, and for the first time ever I wonder how old he is. I thought maybe he’s in his sixties, but he looks older tonight. “We inherited the farm when my parents passed away, one after the other. Heart attack, and cancer.”

I wince in sympathy.

“I didn’t want to stay on the farm after that. I wanted to see the world, live in the city. We had a fight, my older brother Howard and I. So I packed up and left. I traveled a lot, hitched rides on cars and trucks and boats. I walked across Europe. I went to China.”

The chili bowl forgotten, I lean forward, straining to catch every word. “China. Wow.”

“Yeah, that was something.” He chuckles. “A vast place. Weird people. Kind, too. Different. I thought that was the farthest from home I’d ever be, and I thought I’d be happy. Well, I was wrong on both accounts.”

“Why?”

“Because, boy, I wasn’t happy. And the farthest from home I’ve ever been is here, not thirty miles from the farm where I grew up.”

“So close?”

“Right around the corner.” He shakes his head, scratches his arm, swats at a fly. “While I was away, Dale died. He fell from his horse and broke his neck. Howard got married, had four kids. And I am here.”

Alone. He didn’t say it, but I can hear it loud and clear.

“You want to go home,” I whisper.

“I do, but it’s been so long since I last talked to Howard I can’t bring myself to call. You know how it is.” He sighs. “Pride. Resentment. Distance. But I’m old, boy, and not growing any younger. When you reach my age, you’ll realize that home is where your heart is. If my brother came to me now… Hell, I’d sell this shithole of a place and move back in a heartbeat, know what I mean?”

I nod, loath to tell him I have no clue. I mean, sure, when you have no roof over your head, no real family, you appreciate friends like nothing else. So Helen was my home for a while.

But what I also learned during my fun teenage years was that the people you care for may vanish from your life and leave you in the cold just as easily. With Helen gone, my home was gone, and I was left mourning.

As for Amber… Amber hasn’t answered, hasn’t acknowledged my gifts, my cards, my words. All I scribbled for her, letter by painful letter. Christ, I’ve sat and stared at the drawings I made of her. I tried baking breakfast muffins the way she taught me. I dreamed of her. Remembered how her skin tastes, how her hair smells.

Hell, I’ve even found myself buying coconut shampoo and coconut soap, because the scent reminds me of her.

But it doesn’t matter, does it? It never does. Maybe it’s time to give up, leave her in peace. Maybe that’s what she really wants.

Oh come on, Jesse Lee. Don’t be all surprised and shit. Nobody gives a fuck that you love her, that you want her. That you’d do anything for her. You wanna stay with her?

Nah. Don’t you know it yet? You’re just too much damn trouble to keep around.

Regards, The World.

***

Mel closes shop early tonight. He insists he’s fine, which is bullshit, but I hope all he needs is a good night’s rest. After I help him lock up, I head home, worried and damn tired. Despite the exhaustion, I feel ready to snap, a headache hammering behind my eyes.

So when my cell rings and it’s Seth, asking if I’d like to grab a beer, I’m game. I’d be game for anything right now, to be honest. Hell, I’d drink gasoline and light myself on fire. Anything to stop the thoughts churning in my aching head.