“Which part?”
“The part about you driving me back to Seattle.”
I cringe at the words. “Yes.” It’s going to hurt like a motherfucker taking her back home, but it’s the right thing to do. What I should have done weeks ago instead of dragging her further and further into this mess.
“I don’t want you to drive me back,” Sophia whispers.
Hearing her say that is like a punch to the gut. I understand. I don’t like it, but I will respect her wishes. “Okay. Public transport’s out of the question, though. I need to know you’ve walked back through your front door okay. I’m sure Cade won’t mind taking you if you pref—”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” She looks up at me, frowning slightly. “I mean, I don’t want to go. I mean I want to stay here. I want…I want to be with you.”
I’ve known pretty much from the beginning that she was attracted to me. It was fairly obvious from the way she acted around me and how often I caught her staring. I was hardly shy about the fact that I was into her, too, though. This, however, is a huge surprise. She looks a little stunned herself.
“I thought you’d jump at the chance to get out of here, Soph. Don’t you want to go home? See your parents? Your sister?” I stroke my hand over her wild, wavy hair, dreading whatever she’s going to say next. I want her to be safe. I want her to be a million miles away from Ramirez and his men, even if Raphael is no longer a concern. But I also want her in my line of sight at all times, close enough that I can touch…
“I’m going to call my dad,” she says. “I want them to know that I’m okay. And I want them to know that…that I’m not coming home.”
“Perhaps you should think about this before you make any rash decisions.”
“I have. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for days. I don’t think I can go back to who I was before, Jamie. I’m not…I not the person I used to be.”
When she calls me Jamie, I feel like I could be the person I used to be, if I tried really hard. That would mean giving up this whole enterprise, though. It would mean admitting that Cade’s sister is gone and that we’re never going to find her. After so long, I think I’ve already come to terms with that fact anyway. Admitting it is hard, though. Admitting it to Cade would be fucking impossible. We barely talk about her anymore. He must have come to the same conclusion that I have, but she’s his blood. He won’t stop looking until he’s found out what happened to her one way or another. And I won’t abandon him.
“This club is intense, Soph. Being here means you’re going to be more and more involved in the way we live our lives. Is that something you can put up with?”
“Yes. I want to. I—” She turns to face me, eyes about as wide as I’ve ever seen them. She’s so fucking beautiful. I want to wrap her in cotton wool and keep her safe. Forever. “I want to be a part of it,” she whispers.
“Be a part of the club?” This…this is guaranteed the very last thing I ever expected her to say. I still don’t think I’ve understood her correctly. “You want to be a part of the club?”
“Yes. I want to do what Carnie did. I want to prospect.”
“No. Fucking. Way.” She’s gone mad. I shouldn’t have made her bury Raphael. It must have caused severe trauma to her brain.
“Why not?”
“Come on. Let’s get in the car.” I help her to her feet, and then I’m half guiding, half dragging her back to the Humvee. She doesn’t make a sound when I open up the passenger door for her and usher her inside. Slamming the door closed, I hope the loud noise will be an end to the crazy conversation, but Sophia’s ready and waiting for me.
“Shay’s a woman. Fee, too.”
“That’s correct. They are.”
“So why can’t I be a Widow Maker? If they can be, then surely I can be, too.”
I start the engine but I don’t put the Humvee into gear. I swivel in my seat so I’m facing her, desperately trying not to launch myself across the other side of the car so I can shake some sense into her. “You can’t join because it’s dangerous, sugar. Things with Ramirez are about to get grade A fucked up. I’m trying to make your life safer, not even more dangerous.”
“Do you honestly think Ramirez is going to forget all about me now that Raphael’s gone? Am I still not the only person who can testify about your uncle’s murder?”
“Raphael killed Ryan. Raphael’s now dead. There’s no way to prove in a court of law that Hector ordered him to do it. That ship has well and truly sailed. The cops are never going to fix this. I’m going to have to fix it. The club is going to have to fix it. It’s going to be all out warfare, and that bitch Lowell is going to be along for the ride. God knows how it’s all going to end. I don’t want it to end with you swinging from the end of a rope, missing your fucking hands and feet, though.”
“Why are you reacting like this? I thought you’d be happy that I wanted to stay, Rebel.”
Rebel. Huh. No more Jamie. That’s probably for the best. I punch the steering wheel, grinding my teeth together, expecting to feel them crack under the pressure. I can’t seem to think straight all of a sudden. My entire body feels hot, my senses working overtime to keep up with my rising anger. “Have you forgotten what I said to you the other day? I told you I was fucking in love with you. That means I will let you go. That means I will kiss you goodbye and I will help you pack you shit into the back of this car, and I will let another fucking guy drive you out of here. It means I will never see you again if that’s what I have to do, because I love you so goddamn much that I’d rather my whole world come crashing down around my fucking ears than have you killed because of me. Go back to Seattle, Sophia. Become a psychologist. Marry boring Matt and have a ton of children. Go to book club and drink too much Sauvignon Blanc on the weekends. Get a divorce at forty and find yourself all over again. Live the clichéd, middle class life that I can’t give you.”
I’m blowing hard, my lungs burning when I shut my mouth. I’ve never really known what it is to feel like this—utterly destroyed. It’s come as a complete and very unwelcome shock to me that I am going to be fucked when she goes, but she needs to see it’s for the best. She has to.
It takes me a long while to realize that she’s not saying anything. When I look at her, Sophia’s staring dead ahead, arms folded across her chest, eyelids unblinking. She’s practically vibrating with rage. Her tone is even and flat when she begins to speak; I can tell it’s taking everything she’s got to remain calm enough to get her words out. “Over the past few weeks, you’ve been stabbed, nearly bled to death right in front of me, attacked by Ramirez, shot with a Taser and arrested by the DEA. You think I wouldn’t worry about you if I went back to Seattle? You don’t think I would be sick to my stomach every second of the day, wondering if you’re alive or you’re dead? Fuck, Rebel…you don’t think I’m in love with you, too?”
She gets out of the Humvee, slamming the door so hard behind her that I’m surprised the damn window doesn’t shatter. I watch her storming off into the desert, the pale blue of her t-shirt fading fast into the darkness as she hurries away from the car. For a moment I can’t move. I can’t think straight. She loves me, too? She loves me too. I feel like she’s just punched me square in the jaw. I mean…how?
I finally get my shit together in time to realize that she’s been totally swallowed by the near pitch-blackness outside and I should definitely find her before she vanishes for good. I get out of the car and run after her.
She’s not too hard to find. Standing with her back to me, she’s only made it thirty feet from the car, and she’s crying. “I should fucking hate you,” she tells me. “I shouldn’t give a shit about you, whether you live or die, but I do. That day you took me up on the roof of your dad’s place, you said something to me and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. You said, ‘Don’t bother trying to get inside my head. It’s a dark and scary place. Even I don’t want to be here most of the time.’ But I couldn’t help it. I wanted to get inside your head, and you…” She turns around, stabbing her index finger into my chest. “You invited me in. You didn’t for one second try and stop me from developing feelings for you. So why should you get to care more about me than I care about you? And why the hell am I not allowed to take risks to make sure you’re okay? I have nothing to go back to, Rebel. I have a family and a college degree and I have an apartment sitting empty in Seattle, but if you’re not there with me then I have nothing.”