She turned to me with a start. For a moment, I could see the anger rise behind her eyes. Then, quickly regaining control, she ripped her gaze away from me and back to her followers.

“Let’s go,” she said. “There’s no point wasting any more time on this sad excuse for a man.”

She began striding back down the hall. The other two angels turned and hurried to catch her up. Soon they were nothing more than bobbing points of light, disappearing into the surrounding brilliance.

At that moment, Gabriel reappeared through the door, holding a number of documents.

“I’m sorry for the delay. I trust that the company was agreeable.”

“As pleasant as a bandage soaked in salt. What have you got there?”

“The lease arrangements for your office. Unfortunately, finding a good real estate agent in Heaven is not easy.”

There were a bunch of obvious responses I could have made, but I chose not to. Despite my bravado, the observation of my own funeral had affected me. My life might not have amounted to much, but even a no-bit bum deserved a half-decent send-off.

Half in a daze, I signed the papers where Gabriel pointed and took a key from him. It was only when he spoke again that I was able to pull myself out of it.

“This way, Mr Clarenden.” He indicated the door that led back to the front of the palace.

“Just one last question,” I said, pointing up to the painting where a few minutes ago I’d been looking at my own grave. “What’s the deal with the hidden television?”

“One of many throughout this hall. As you may have already observed, the Master is a big fan of television. When He designed this place, He wanted to make sure He had access to one in all possible locations.”

“Makes sense. I suppose it helps Him keep an eye on everything that is happening.”

“Not to mention the daytime soaps. Now, if you would please follow me.”

We went through the door, down the stairs, and out through the front waiting room. Back outside, Gabriel handed me a map of Heaven with the position of my office marked with an X.

“Remember, if there’s any further assistance you need, don’t hesitate to call,” he said, making it clear that the more I hesitated, the better.

I walked away from God’s palace and into Heaven proper. It was sunny and warm, but by this stage I wasn’t much in the mood for sightseeing. Eventually, I managed to find the office. I unlocked the door and poked my head in.

The office was neat. A neat desk with an old-style telephone, and chairs neatly arranged around it. Nice neat new carpet. Large neat windows, allowing the sun to stream in and illuminate all the neatness. The tiny living quarters that I found through a door on the other side, comprising little more than a bedroom and a kitchen, were neat too. Obviously God didn’t want to spoil me.

This was definitely not an environment that would be conducive to my style of work. Then again, work was the last thing on my mind at that moment. I collapsed onto the bed, and for the next fifteen hours I rested in peace.

Chapter 4

I WAS AWOKEN THE NEXT MORNING by sun pouring in through the window. I sat up and checked my wounds, only to discover that during my sleep they’d disappeared completely. Not only that, but my head was clear and my eyes no longer had any problem with the light. The doc hadn’t been kidding when he’d talked about the healing qualities of Heaven.

As I got dressed, I couldn’t help noticing my clothes were surprisingly free of both bloodstains and bullet-holes, but I didn’t spend too long wondering about that. It was time to start my investigation.

I returned to the office to make the necessary preparations. First, I did what I could to mess up the handful of papers lying on the desk. Then I looked for something I could use to cover up the windows, but nothing obvious presented itself. Finally, I took the sheets from the bed and shook them around the room, attempting to arrange a little dust over the pristine floor and furniture. It didn’t help. Dirt and grime were in short supply here in Heaven.

There was no point sitting in a bright and airy office. If I was going to make any headway on this case, I would need to get out and start investigating. I grabbed my coat and hat, opened the door, and stepped into Heaven.

It was a clear, blue morning. The sun shone down like a great golden bowling ball, and the birds were singing in the trees. I walked down streets lined with small, neat houses behind well-tended lawns and immaculately presented gardens. A parade of people passed by. Most of them were nothing special to look at, but they all had relaxed expressions on their faces. Many of them smiled as they approached, and a few even greeted me pleasantly. The whole thing gave me the creeps.

I knew that beneath this veneer of contentment, deep, dark secrets were waiting to be exposed. The only thing stopping me from ripping the lid off this place was the fact that I had absolutely no idea where to begin. Heaven was about as suspicious as family day at the state fair.

I had been wandering aimlessly for about fifteen minutes when I finally managed to spot something that was slightly, vaguely, just a little bit odd amidst this tableau of suburban serenity. I was approaching a school crossing, and standing in the middle was a figure with a large stop sign. This was unusual for two reasons. Firstly, there were no children around. Secondly, there was not a single car on the street. I resolved to investigate this sinister situation immediately.

As I approached the crossing, I couldn’t help noticing the light that seemed to emanate from the crossing guard. It was one of the angels I’d met yesterday—the male one. I racked my brain, trying to recall a name. My brief encounter had been so dominated by the delightful Sally that I had retained very little impression of the other two.

The name Raphael popped into my head at the exact same moment I remembered God telling me Phil was supposed to be meeting this angel for lunch on the day he disappeared. It looked like the time for aimless wandering was over. I had reached the starting point at last.

Raphael was considerably shorter than me, and slight. He had a narrow face, with eyes that stuck out like small, dull billiard balls, and a mouth that seemed to be fixed in a permanent dumb smile. He was wearing the standard robe, but over it was a bright pink sash that proclaimed him to be a licensed crossing official. Pinned to the sash was a little badge that stated, A smile a day makes Heaven a happier place.

Raphael’s dumb smile turned into a dumb frown as I approached.

“You weren’t very nice to Sally yesterday,” he said.

“Sally wasn’t very nice to me first,” I replied.

Raphael shook his head. “You don’t understand. You have to be nice to Sally.”

“Forget about Sally. I want to talk about you. First of all, what are you doing here?”

“I’m the official school crossing guard.” The smile returned to Raphael’s face and he puffed out his chest. This was obviously a great honour, in his mind if nowhere else.

“But I don’t see any children crossing.”

“Oh, they’re all in school now. But I like to stay back, just in case there are any stragglers.”

“Okay,” I said. “But I also don’t see any cars.”

“There are no cars in Heaven.”

“No cars?” Was this Heaven or Never-never Land?

“Why should there be cars? We don’t need to go anywhere. It’s already perfect right where we are.”

Raphael’s idea of perfect was clearly different from mine, and pretty much every other person’s I had ever met. I let it pass. I was intent on following this line of questioning through to the bitter end.

“So if there are no cars, why do we need a crossing guard?”

Raphael’s smile disappeared again, to be replaced by an expression of slight hurt. “To be a crossing guard is to provide a service to the community. What sort of place would Heaven be if everyone went around with your attitude?”