“So if there was no need for a police force, why set one up?”

“The records don’t say. Perhaps you should go and ask Sally.”

I choked on my drink, and considering I didn’t actually have a drink, that was quite an achievement.

“Yeah, she makes me feel like that too,” said Alby, “only slightly worse.”

“I take it that Sally is the one behind these heavenly police,” I said after regaining my composure.

“Right first time, sleuth boy.”

“But you don’t know why?”

“Like I said, it’s not in the records. What I do know is it was not a popular decision. Apparently the only one who supported her was that little goody-goody angel, Raphael. Everyone else was dead against it. Even God’s own son.”

“Jesus?” I said.

“No, the other one. Patrick or something, isn’t it?”

“Phil, I believe.”

“It doesn’t really matter. Whatever Sally wants, Sally gets. That’s the way it works up here. And now that you have your information, I seem to recall you saying you could make this worth my while. So, what can you do for me?”

I called out to the barman. “Get this man a soda water.”

* * *

I left The Loaf and the Fishes with my mind spinning like a washing machine in overdrive. What I’d just learnt had thrown the case wide open. Sally was furious with Phil because he’d allowed Alby to stay Heaven. Shortly afterwards, the Heavenly Police Department was established at Sally’s instigation. Phil was now missing and Sally was conducting late night meetings with a sinister stranger. There was no other course of action left to me.

It was time to pay another visit to that mansion on top of the hill.

Chapter 7

THE HEAT OF THE MIDDAY SUN beat down upon me as I climbed the hill towards Sally’s mansion. I stopped for a moment to wipe my brow and considered myself lucky to be in Heaven. If it was this hot here, I couldn’t imagine what it must be like in . . . that other place.

As I reached the top of the hill, my mouth made a big O and my eyes danced a two-step. Even though I had been here the previous night, I was totally unprepared for the sight of Sally’s mansion in the full brightness of day. It stood before me, the sunlight gleaming on its various facades, each of which seemed to have been designed by a different architect from a completely different time period. There were gothic facades and baroque facades and art deco facades and post-structuralist, modernist facades. I hadn’t seen this many facades since the last time I’d had gone undercover at a society party.

The mansion, by virtue of its elevated position, was clearly the highest structure in all of Heaven, towering even over God’s palace. The way the two buildings faced each other across the humble rooftops below, it seemed as if there was some sort of statement being made. A statement to let everybody know there were other powers in Heaven besides God.

Or maybe I was reading too much into it. Perhaps she just liked the view.

I approached the gates and was surprised to find they were unlocked. I pushed them aside and walked up the path towards the veranda. As I ascended the stairs, I couldn’t help noting the absence of creaks. Those things only happen at night, of course. I pushed the doorbell, and from deep inside the house I could hear a low chime. After a couple of minutes, the door opened very slightly and Sally’s head poked out. As soon as she saw me, a smile flashed across her face―the sort of smile that flashes across a crocodile’s face when it sees a dog getting close to the water’s edge.

“Jimmy Clarenden, I’ve been expecting you,” she said. “I think I might have something for you.” She squeezed through the barely open door, quickly closed it behind her, and stood in front of me, still radiating that subtle physical appeal that could overturn a bulldozer. In her hand, she held a piece of black fabric.

“I believe you left this here last night,” she said, and then she laughed. “I imagine this is the first time you’ve actually gotten to the bottom of a case.”

I took the material from her, examined it, and shook my head. “Not my tailor,” I said. “And besides, I’m not in the habit of leaving anonymous gifts in the middle of the night.”

“Believe me, this is not a gift any lady would ever want to receive.”

“Then perhaps I should give it to you instead.” I made to hand the fabric back to her. She didn’t take it.

“Do you really think you can convince me you weren’t creeping around here last night?” she said. The crocodile wasn’t smiling quite so broadly now.

“So what if I was?”

“What do you think you’re doing, spying on me?”

“Hang on a minute,” I said, putting the remains of the trousers into my pocket. “I’m the detective here. I’m supposed to be asking you the questions.”

Sally laughed again. “You, a detective? I bet there are a lot of people who would dispute that.”

“Such as?”

“I can think of two for a start. One, a woman who suspected her husband was cheating on her, to whom you delivered a dog. Two, a man whose dog had gone missing, to whom you handed over some highly embarrassing photographs.”

This time it was my turn to laugh. “It might have been a mix up, but I still got paid.”

“Why would anybody pay for such slipshod work?”

“Because, as it happened, the owner of the dog was the husband of the other woman in the photographs.”

Sally’s eyes narrowed and her mouth opened, as if she was about to snap back a retort, but no sound came out. Instead, she closed her mouth again and that smile slowly slunk back. “All right, Mr Clarenden, you obviously are a man of amazing deductive power. So tell me, what you would like to investigate?” As she spoke, she leaned back on the door, swept a hand through her hair, and then lifted one leg and placed it across the other very slowly.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” I asked innocently.

“On such a lovely day? Surely you’d rather stay outside and enjoy this beautiful sunshine. We can go and sit over there.” She pointed to a couple of garden chairs out on the lawn.

“I tend to burn easily,” I replied, “so I’d rather not spend too much time in the direct sun. But I would very much enjoy the chance to take a look inside your house. They say it is the pride of Heaven, putting even God’s own palace to shame.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s out of the question. The plumbers are here and I’m afraid the place is a bit of a mess.”

“Then I suppose we’ll have to postpone the guided tour, but I’ve still got a couple of questions for you. Questions about the police force you were so keen to establish, despite opposition from just about everyone else in Heaven.”

“What interest could that possibly be to you?”

“Many things are of interest to me. It’s what makes me such a well-rounded individual. But I’ll tell you something strange about cops―they always have the opposite idea. They seem to figure that the less I know, the better.”

“Perhaps they understand that there are things you don’t need to know.”

“Is that the reason you needed police? Because there are things you don’t want anyone else in Heaven to know?”

“Why don’t you take your little magnifying glass and go home.” Sally was still smiling, but it was now the smile of a condemned building. Any moment now, it might collapse.

“Because I don’t carry a magnifying glass,” I said. “I rely on nothing but my eyes, my ears, and my nose. I can sniff out the facts if I need to, and what I smell here is rotten to the core.”

“I would like you to leave right now.” The debris flew as Sally’s smile crashed to the ground.

“But we were just starting to get to know each other.”

“Get your filthy, stinking face out of my sight right now or I’ll . . . What are you doing?”