She throws something into my face. What the fuck is this? A medical report? Five samples. Two headings. Maternal. Paternal.

Oh God.

No.

My legs give way. I sink down onto the floor. “What is this?”

Kaley sniffs back tears. “You wouldn’t do the test for me so I bought a kinship DNA test. It’s designed to test siblings. I figured I’d match me to Khloe and have the truth since she’s the only kid you haven’t denied.”

This can’t be right.

It must be a lab error.

“Who is sample one?” I ask, stunned.

“Khloe,” Kaley snaps sharply. “Sample two is me. Sample three is Krystal. And sample four and five are Ethan and Eric. 99.97 percent confirmed we are not half siblings. We’re all full siblings. We all know who our mother is, but you being all our dads is a bit much to take in a single day, don’t you think, Daddy? Now tell me I’ve overreacted here today.”

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

No wonder the girl looks deranged.

How could Chrissie do this?

I shut down the thought of Chrissie. I can’t go there. Not now. Not before I’m through everything here to cope with.

“Just explain to me why,” Kaley begs. “It’s driving me crazy. Why did you lie to all of us? Or was it Mom? Did she lie to you? Is that it? I can’t take not knowing which one of you to hate another minute more.”

“I didn’t know,” I say before I can stop myself, and even through my fury over this, my conscience rebels and some remnant of me wants to still protect Chrissie through this.

“How could you not know? Explain it to me.”

I sit with my back against the wall. I can’t look into Kaley’s eyes any longer. I set my elbows on my knees and drop my head into my hands. I need to say something, but I can’t form a single useful thought.

How do I explain the unexplainable?

How can I still have a shred of concern for Chrissie in this?

She did this.

Fuck, have I ever truly known her?

I couldn’t imagine this.

It’s beyond imagining.

Oh fuck, I’ve always suspected. That’s a truth I can’t deny any longer.

Did I love her so much that I lied to myself for her?

Damn her.

I feel a heavy stare on me and I lift my face. Kaley. Waiting. Expectant. In pain. My daughter. What the fuck am I doing here thinking about Chrissie?

I hear footsteps from the hallway. Fuck, has it been ten minutes already? I shove the paper into my pocket.

I spring to my feet and rush to her, crouching down until we’re at eye level. “Kaley, we’ll talk as long as you want to, I’ll answer anything that you ask me, sweetheart, but the cops are coming in. Don’t say anything. My attorney is with them. We need to finish with the police and then we will work on you and me. I promise. Do you understand?”

I reach out for her, but she twists away and jumps to her feet. The officers are in the room. They are already taking her away.

No, no, no.

Len stops me from going after them.

“They’re just going to talk to her. That’s all. Don’t blow this now. The attorney is with her. Let him handle this, Manny.”

I go into the hallway. Where have they taken her? I’m stopped outside the living area by an officer. Fuck, there she is.

“Do you understand what this is?” an officer asks.

Kaley doesn’t look at him. She nods.

“We are releasing you to your father. This is a six-month probation. You do what he tells you to do. If you don’t he’s agreed to call the district attorney. You’ll be arrested and charged.”

Oh fuck—releasing you to your father. This is a six-month probation. You do what he tells you to do—I’ve heard this before. The hospital. Chicago. Long ago.

Jack did this. “Your father.” Oh fuck, to put that in means Jack has known the truth. Known it and never told me. Everything inside me starts careening out of control again.

The officer holds a pen to Kaley. “Sign here, that I’ve explained this to you and that you understand and agree to comply.”

Oh God, I know that expression. She’s going to argue. Don’t up the ante, Kaley. Not this time. Sign the fucking thing. Your grandfather managed a miracle for you.

The agony in my body, the tension as I wait, is excruciating. Then she takes the pen. She signs. Everything starts to move in hyperdrive, bodies moving in front of me, and then the sound of my door closing.

Silence.

We’re alone.

I step into the room.

I don’t know what to do next.

Kaley’s voice shoots through my head: You don’t know what it is like to be me.

Oh fuck, but I do know.

I did to my daughter what my bastard of a father did to me. Deny. Lie. Hurt. The only part I haven’t done is die yet. And it doesn’t matter that I never intended to. It doesn’t matter that I’ve always been in her life and loved her.

I stare at the destruction that used to be my house. Kaley feels about me the way I feel about my own father and that makes this fucking unbearable.

 

 

Chapter 17

We drive back to Pacific Palisades and I am not even sure why the fuck we’re going there. We haven’t talked. Not one word. We just sat in the living room, silent, staring at each other, both of us I think too overwhelmed for another round today.

The silence in the car is deafening. My thoughts are an unrelenting, uncheckable constant series of questions, anger, and accusations.

I shouldn’t go home.

Back to Chrissie.

Not today.

Not with how I’m feeling.

Kaley makes that inescapably something I have to do.

I glance at her covertly out of the corner of my eye. She’s transitioned from anger into worry. She’s wondering what this all means. What the fallout is going to be. The impact to her mother. To her. To her family. I doubt she cares what it means to me.

I park in the driveway and turn off the ignition. I turn toward Kaley. “Go inside. Go to your room. Stay there.”

Her eyes, anxious, shift to me. “What are you going to do?”

“It’s going to be OK,” I assure her. “The rest of this needs to be sorted out privately between your mother and me. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I love you. But you need to stay out of this. OK, sweetheart?”

She jumps from the passenger seat and runs for the front door. I sit in the car, staring at the house, willing myself to be calm, but nope, it’s not happening. I’m fucking on the edge, ready to explode, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop that.

I climb from the car. The house is quiet when I enter. Maybe I’ve caught a break. Maybe the kids are still gone. Maybe they don’t know what’s happened today. Fuck, how could they not know?

I make my way toward the back of the house. I don’t want them here. This could spin out of control in any direction. I can’t breathe. I step into the family room.

They’re all here, except Chrissie, with Linda. Khloe on her lap. The boys tucked into each side of her. And Krystal hovering close from the ground beneath her. They all look anxious and confused and afraid. Any doubt that they all know dies with the look in their eyes.

I need to get the kids out of the house.

Kid—my kids.

Oh fuck, these are my kids.

I’m hyperventilating, too numb from emotion to move, and too afraid to say anything.

“Manny—”

I cut Linda off. “Take them to your house. Now.”

I almost turn to leave and realize I can’t just walk away from them. They’re frightened. Staring at me. Wanting something. I don’t know what I even have left in me to give. But they are my kids. I’ve got to do something to make this not something worse than it is for them.

I go and take Khloe from Linda’s arms. I kiss her and hold her close, and then crouch down in front of the rest of them.