“He’s going to be fine, Cate. You must believe that,” Letty says.

“I do. Only I hate seeing him like this. I don’t want him to be in pain, hurting.”

“He’s medicated. He doesn’t even know we’re here,” Ray says in a comforting tone.

“How are your classes?” Letty asks, trying to divert my attention, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.

“How long before he wakes up?” I ask Ray.

“Maybe tonight. The longer the better for him,” Ray says.

“That’s good. That will give me time to pull myself together.” I sniff.

“He needs that, Cate. He needs your strength. And for you to be here for him,” Letty says.

“Like I could possibly be anywhere else.”

I plant my butt on a chair next to his bed and the only time I leave is to use the restroom or to get something to drink. Food has no meaning for me. He wears a clear mask over his face that streams more oxygen into his lungs, but Ray tells me he’s doing really well. It’s not until his lids crack open and I see him look at me that I smile. I crawl in the bed with him and hold him.

Letty walks in and sees me. “Cate, I’m not sure you should …”

“Let her be, Letty. She’s fine and he needs her right now. She can’t hurt him.” It’s Ray that speaks.

I run my hands over his head, and seek his hand out under the sheet. Lacing our fingers together, I’m happy to feel his slightly tighten against my own. And then I doze off.

Ray wakes me some time later, asking me if I want anything to eat.

“I’m fine.”

“Cate, you need to eat. You didn’t eat yesterday, that I can recall, and you haven’t eaten a thing all day.”

I didn’t notice that Drew’s mask is gone and in its place are those small tubes that go in his nose. When he speaks, I’m surprised. “Eat, Cate. You must be starved.”

I look at him and beam. “Look who’s awake!”

“Yeah, but I feel like I got nailed by an eighteen wheeler.”

“Aww. That bad?”

“Yeah, but the morphine pump is good.”

“Huh?”

He points to a little machine on a pole next to his bed and explains how it works. It makes me feel better that it helps him so much.

“This sure breeds empathy in me for patients who go through this. Maybe I’m going through this for that reason.”

I clamp my mouth shut because I don’t believe that for a second. Drew is the most empathetic person in the world. He would be the last one to be chosen for that reason. And this is what’s killing me about him getting cancer. It should’ve been me.

Ray prods me again for my answer about food. “Okay, just get me whatever you’re having.”

He nods and both he and Letty leave.

“How’s my girl doing?” How can he ask me that? He’s the one lying in bed with his chest ripped open.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“I’m good, Cate. You’re lying next to me and that’s all I need.”

“Honestly, Drew, you kill me sometimes. How do you feel?”

“Like I said, I feel like a truck hit me. Other than that, good. I’ll be better when I know this surgery did the trick.”

“Me too. Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?”

“I’d love some ice chips. That’s all I can have yet.”

“You got it.”

Grabbing his large water container, I wander down the hall until I find a nurse to help me. She shows me where the ice machine is and I fill up the cup and bring it back to Drew. When I spoon some into his mouth, he hums his delight.

“Never thought I’d enjoy ice chips so much.”

“It’s the small things in life.”

“And you, Cate.” He hums as I feed him more chips. “I hate I’m putting you through this.”

“Love encompasses a whole lot of things, Drew. And when I fell in love with you, I didn’t fall for only the good times. I fell for it all, including this. I’m here and we’ll get through this. So stop with that kind of talk.”

“I don’t like seeing you with the dark circles under your eyes.”

“And I don’t like seeing you in the hospital, so we’re even.”

He says he’s done with the ice and pats the bed, telling me to get back in. “I want to have you next to me.”

“You got me.” I climb back in and put my head on his shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“I won’t because I have you. You’re it for me.” Then he drifts back to sleep as I worry about what will happen next.

Ray and Letty return and they don’t look so good either. She hands me a bag that contains a chicken salad sandwich and some fries. Ray hands me a large iced tea.

“Thanks.” I get out of the bed to eat, but can only down a few bites. My stomach fights every swallow.

“It’s anxiety, dear. I feel the same way,” Letty says.

Setting my food down on a side table, I stand and pace the room. Letty glances at Ray and then says, “Cate, maybe you should go back home and take a shower. Relax. Try to get some sleep.”

“No. I won’t leave him. I have things here and can shower in his bathroom.”

“Then why don’t you do that? It might relax you some,” she suggests.

After giving it some thought, I decide to go ahead and do exactly that. As soon as the water hits me, the tears break loose. The question I keep asking myself—why Drew—yields no answer. I’ve heard people say they’ve cried themselves out. I wish that would happen to me, because my supply of tears is endless. I need to buck up and pull my shit together. Drew cannot see me like this.

Finishing my shower, I put on a strong front and get dressed. When I come out, he’s awake again. The groggy grin he offers me makes me laugh.

“You look like you’ve had too much to drink.”

“Yeah, I feel like it, too.”

I bend down to kiss him and he tells me I smell lots better now. Ray and Letty chuckle. “Glad you noticed,” I say.

The rest of the day is much the same, with Drew sleeping away most of it. By the third day, he gets antsy and cranky. He wants to go home and I don’t blame him. It seems like he’s constantly getting poked and prodded by a nurse, doctor, or a medical assistant. Sleep becomes more difficult because they withdraw his morphine and transition him to something milder.

“Cate, you need to go home tonight and get a good night’s sleep. Mom and Dad even think so. You don’t have to stay here.”

“I want to,” I insist.

“I know, but I want you to go home. This is crazy. You’re exhausted. You need a solid night of rest and you can’t get that here. I don’t want you getting sick.”

He gets me to agree, so late that night, I head to his apartment. When I crawl in bed, his scent makes me sad, so I end up crying myself to sleep. In the morning, the constant buzzing of my phone wakes me.

“Huh?” I answer.

“Cate?”

“Jenna?”

“Damn! You never answer your phone! I’ve been trying to get you for three days. Thank God for Ben. Drew’s parents are keeping him informed. What the hell is going on with you?”

“I’m sorry. I turned my phone off in the hospital so it wouldn’t disturb Drew.” I fill her in on everything.

“How are you holding up? And don’t give me bullshit answer.”

“I’m fine,” I say, my lip quivering. Then I break down and ugly cry. I mean bad ugly cry. I can’t even talk.

She listens, and then says, “I’m getting in the car and heading there now.”

The phone goes dead. A little over an hour later, she’s knocking on the door. I let her in and she wraps me in her arms as I sob my heart out. I literally collapse on the floor in her arms. The last few days have taken their toll on me and I’ve hit rock bottom. My exhaustion coupled with my worry over Drew has burst the dam that held everything in check, and having Jenna there allows me to let it all go.

When the crying passes, I take a shaky breath. “Sorry. I didn’t plan on that.”

“What the fuck are you apologizing for? I’m the one who should be apologizing. I should’ve been here with you. But I tried to call and couldn’t get you.” She pushes my hair off my face and says, “I almost don’t know what to say to you. How to make you feel better. The only thing I know is Drew is strong and a fighter. He’s going to pull out of this. He has one hell of a support team backing him. And a shit ton of love behind him. Not to mention all the news is good, so far.”