“Be right back. I gotta piss,” Kane said gruffly, his warmth sliding out from next to me.

I pulled the covers tighter around me to make up for the loss of him. My apartment got drafty in the winter. I’d never had a sexy man in my bed to make up for it on cold mornings.

Kane walked back into my bedroom and I drank him in. Damn. He was nothing but tall lines of cut muscle, dark swirls of tattoos and a trail of black hair that led from his chest down to the impressive semi-erect member between his legs.

He saw me looking and his gaze darkened hungrily. My eyes stopped on the ‘B’ over his pectoral muscle.

“I saw her picture in your office,” I said softly. “Brooklyn, I mean.”

He nodded. “Cori sends me pictures.”

I turned to my side and faced him, shivering as he pulled the covers aside and slipped back into bed. “Have you ever asked to see her?”

“No. Seems like a dick move when I’m a stranger to her.”

“That’s because you couldn’t have seen her from inside a prison.”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah, but that’s no fuckin’ excuse, Viv. You think a kid gets that her dad’s never been around because he was in prison? She just knows I’ve never been around.”

I leaned up on my elbow. “So try. If you’re able to talk to Cori, ask. It’s clear you love Brooklyn and want to be in her life.”

“I haven’t talked to Cori in ten years.” Kane was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling, his voice hard and cold. “I send her money and she mails pictures back to the address I sent the money from. That’s it.”

“I know it would be hard to ask,” I said, reaching out and laying a hand on his chest. “But you can—”

“You don’t know.” His bitter tone made me withdraw my hand. “You don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like to let your own flesh and blood down on a level like this. It feels so simple to you because you’re good. Who have you ever disappointed?”

He turned and gave me an accusatory scowl. I pulled the covers up over my chest.

“I’m far from perfect,” I said. “And I see cases like this in my job. I don’t think you’d ever be sorry you tried, even if it doesn’t work. When you come face to face with Brooklyn one day, don’t you want to be able to at least say you tried?”

His expression darkened with an anger I hadn’t seen since the first night I met him, when he confronted Eric in the alley.

“She doesn’t need a fuckup like me in her life. What the hell kind of father would I be?”

“It’s not a hypothetical. You are a father, Kane. And I think you’d be a lot better than you think, if you’d just try. All children should know their parents want to be with them.”

He shot out of the bed and I drew back with surprise.

“Stop fucking pushing me,” he said in a raised voice. “I never asked you to save me. That’s not why I told you about her.”

“You told me because you thought I’d push you away when I knew. You tend to assume the worst about people.”

“Yeah, well, live and learn.” He picked his jeans up from the floor and stepped into them.

“You’re leaving? Over this?”

“I need to go anyway. I’ve got shit to do.”

“Kane.”

He glared at me. “What?”

“I said it because I care. Not to piss you off.”

He sighed with exasperation. “I know. But thinking about calling Cori up gives me serious heartburn, Viv. What the fuck would I say? Hey, I know I’ve been absent for ten years, but can I pick Brooklyn up this weekend? She’ll tell me to fuck off.”

“She doesn’t have to give permission. If she refuses to let you see your daughter, you can take her to court to exercise your rights. You’re her father, and you have rights.”

He shook his head and pulled his t-shirt on over his head. “I wouldn’t know the first thing about any of that.”

“I do. Perks of sleeping with a family law attorney.”

“Drop it, Viv.” He wouldn’t look at me as he sat down and laced up his boots. “I don’t deserve to be part of her life.”

“She deserves it, though.” I said it so softly I wasn’t even sure he heard me.

“I have to go.” He slid into his leather jacket, still not looking at me.

I laid back down and pulled the covers up to my chest. “I’m not saying goodbye to you like it’s okay for you to go. It’s not. You can’t keep walking out on me when things are emotionally tough.”

“It’s almost ten. We’ve been in bed since three. I’ve got shit to do.”

“Guess I’ll see you when your mood clears,” I said in a clipped tone.

“Whatever the fuck that means. I’m leaving.”

He walked out then, the sound of the door closing making me sigh sadly. I wrapped myself up in a blanket to go lock it and then laid back down, my bed now feeling cold and empty.

Kane

THANKSGIVING WAS STILL TWO WEEKS away, but the city was covered in wreaths and bells and fake Santas. I scowled at one who was holding a bucket out toward me in hopes of a donation.

“For the needy,” he said, his voice slurred. Between that and the brown paper sack sitting with his shit in front of a downtown building, I knew he was looking to drum up cash for the next bottle of booze.

“Fuck off,” I snapped. “Go sleep it off and take the suit off, for Christ’s sake. You want kids walking by to think Santa’s a drunk?”

He waved a hand and moved on to the next passerby.

I jammed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any shit to do. Viv had seen through my lie but I’d left anyway. And now I was pacing the streets in the freezing ass cold.

I’d be a disappointment to Brooklyn. Hell, I already was a disappointment. I’d missed everything. Failed her at every turn. Every picture Cori sent me was like opening an old wound, and it cut a little deeper each time. She got older and prettier. No more ribbons in her hair and gaps in her teeth in the most recent photo. Brooklyn was growing up, and I’d still never once hugger her or even looked into her eyes.

The laughter of a little girl on the street up ahead caught my attention. She wore a white coat and a pink stocking cap and walked in between a man and a woman who each held one of her hands.

“Daddy, look!” she cried, letting go of his hand to point at an elaborate Christmas display in a store window. A train wound its way through a setup that looked like the North Pole, complete with elves building toys.

The man picked her up and held her on his hip so she could get a closer look. She bounced with excitement, pointing out every last detail of the display to him.

“And the lights! Look, Daddy,” she said.

“I see. Pretty cool, isn’t it?”

She turned to him and grinned, her eyes shining with happiness. It tore at my heart. Viv’s words echoed in my mind.

She deserves it.

She did. My daughter deserved to know I wanted to see her more than I’d ever wanted anything. Even if I never got to. Even if Cori cussed me into next week. Even if Brooklyn didn’t want to see me, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. What if she thought I didn’t care? Or that I’d forgotten her?

Nothing was more painful than those thoughts. I wanted Brooklyn to know this was all my fault, not hers. That she was as perfect as a little girl could ever be.

I’d been so shitty to Viv. I needed to apologize. But first, I had a few stops to make.

Viv

I got up a bit before eleven and showered, dried my hair and dressed for work. It was all I could do not to call Kane and continue our argument. I wanted to be with him. He made me feel things and want things I’d never known possible. Kane touched me in ways that were more than physical.

But if we were going to make it, we had to be able to disagree without him walking out on me. Staying when things were uncomfortable was hard for him, but when he left it made me feel like he didn’t care enough to stay and work things out.