What is going on?

To anyone sitting around him, he appears engaged in the conversation at his table—not the least bit distracted. But each time I look his way, he senses it. It’s like he’s in two places at once—he’s with his friends, and with me. It’s the strangest feeling in the world sharing moments only the two of us know exist.

“You see it now, don’t you?” Becca asks. “You can’t keep your eyes off him, either.”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean anything. We’ve known each other all our lives, and now the first day of senior year, I’m supposed to believe he suddenly had an epiphany? I don’t buy it.”

“Don’t do that,” she scolds like a protective mother hen. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. Any guy in this school would be lucky to have you as his girl.”

“No guy in this school has ever had me. Have you thought about that? I’m a senior and I’ve never had a boyfriend.” That sounds even more pathetic as I say the words aloud. It’s also the reason I lack any kind of confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. I have nothing to compare to—no first kiss, no first time. Nothing.

“So what?” Becca says with a dismissive shrug of her shoulders. “There’s a first time for everything. That’s why it’s called your first.” She’s not going to let me give up on the idea of more with Rhett, I can already tell.

“Becca, he has all kinds of experience. Why would he even look my way knowing I’m not easy? I don’t want a random hookup with him or any other guy. I don’t operate that way. ”

That’s probably why I’ve never had a boyfriend in the first place. They know I won’t give it to them without a real relationship, so they don’t even bother trying. Because why would an eighteen-year-old guy want to take a chance when he could have a sure thing?

“Then what do you want?”

“I want a guy to want me. And I want him to treat me like I matter. I mean, I know this is high school, and none of us are going to get married after we graduate, but I don’t think wanting a relationship is too much to ask for. Is it?”

“Not if that’s what you want.”

“I’m probably crazy for imagining I could have anything real with Rhett, but all day long, I watch these girls throw themselves at guys like him. They look pathetic, and none of them are respected. Ten years from now, when I look back on high school, I don’t want to remember it with regrets.”

Becca nods her head, understanding what I’m saying, but I can tell she has an opinion. “What if you regret not hooking up with people?”

“Then that’s something I’ll have to live with, because right now, I think I’d regret it more if I just threw myself at a guy to say I did it.”

“I wish I had your self-control, Kin. There are a couple guys in this school I’d jump on, no questions asked.”

“That’s where we differ. You were born an animal,” I joke. She’s a romantic, but she has a wild side, too. My brother couldn’t resist the appeal along with a lot of other guys. Problem is, Becca is willing, but she’s not easy. She has standards, high ones, and expects as much as she demands.

Becca smacks the lunch table with her palm. “That’s it, Kinsley!”

“What? I’m not following.”

“You’re not an animal, and maybe that’s exactly what Rhett needs. There are guys a lot worse than him when it comes to hooking up, but he can’t change until he finds someone worth changing for, you know.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it, Becca. Come on, we have to get going or we’ll be late for class.”

Becca gathers her trash and stands up next to me. Rhett stands up from his spot at the other end of the cafeteria at the exact same time. Our eyes lock once more before I turn toward the trash cans to throw away my barely eaten lunch.

My stomach can’t handle all these butterflies.

THE FINAL BELL rings, ending the first day of classes. Not wanting to be late for my shift, I scramble to pack up my bag and get to my locker as fast as I can.

“Jeez, slow down, woman,” Becca says, as she hurries to catch me. “What’s the rush?”

“I can’t be late for work.” I can think of a million other things I’d rather do on a Thursday night, but at least I have Friday night off for once. Tomorrow I can hang out with Becca and do whatever I want before the long Labor Day weekend.

“I thought you cut back your hours since school started? Is Kate giving you a hard time about money again?”

“No, she’s been fine since Carson moved in and took some of the financial burden off our shoulders. This is my choice.”

“I still can’t believe Carson Hill lives with you. How do you function with that man-meat walking around all day long?”

“Did you forget who my brother is? I put blinders on and keep moving. Plus, Kate’s there.”

“And Kate was cool with it? No questions asked?”

“She had questions, but she needs the money. We were in a bad spot, and Carson was the answer.”

Kate works full-time as a nurse’s aide, on top of taking online classes to finish her nursing degree. Her plans for college took a detour after mom died and dad left. She makes good money doing what she does, but it’s not fair for her to have to work her life away with nothing to show for it. At least with Carson and me contributing as much as we can, she can start saving for a better place of her own once I leave for Parsons.

Dad left us a little money before he took off, but it wasn’t enough to last very long. Most of it was spent on bills, and the little bit that was left, went toward counseling for all the damage he caused. He thought he was helping, doing the right thing even, but in the end, he hurt us more than he ever thought possible.

He tried his best to be a good parent after mom died, and he was for a while, but as the days passed, we all knew it wasn’t enough. Kate, Wyatt, and I watched as grief consumed our father to the point of self-destruction. In order to survive, he had to escape the only town he’s ever lived in. We knew it was coming, he knew it was the only way, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I can’t do it anymore, Kinny,” he says, with a voice hoarse from crying.

Before today, I never saw a grown man fall to pieces the way my father was, right before my eyes. The man who has always been the heart and soul of our family was crumbling—so grief-stricken, he stopped living the life he used to love.

“Without your mother, I have nothing. I am nothing.”

“You have me, Dad. I love you.”

“I know you do, Kinny girl, but you remind me of her so much. Everywhere I look, everything I see, reminds me of your mother. It’s like living in hell.”

“What about your job? Your friends?”

“I was let go yesterday. I can’t even concentrate—my work has been slipping, and then I got so behind, I stopped trying to catch up.”

“But you were working twelve-hour days after the funeral.”

“There’s no excuse, Kinny. I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain, just like I’m not here. I can’t blame them for firing me. I would have fired me, too. I can’t fault my kids for hating me either.”

“So, that’s it? You’re going to leave me? I lost mom, and now I’m losing you, too.” It’s not a question, but rather verbal confirmation that when this conversation is over, he’ll be walking out of my life.

“I need to get my head on straight. I can’t do it anymore.”

I don’t want to live this way, with a distant parent who would rather be anywhere than where he is, but I could never up and leave my family—my responsibility. “When will you be back? Do Kate and Wyatt know?”

He nods his head. “Couple months. There’s a program in Florida Dr. Murphy is sending me to.”