In response, the goon tossed his pillow into the air, then used his hook to slash it in two. Feathers flew around the room. “Actually, I think this will be just fine.”
Simon’s plan was not going exactly the way he wanted. He was trapped on a tiny ledge on the side of an enormous ice mountain at the top of the world—the North Pole, to be exact. The temperature was just above negative 35 degrees Fahrenheit and in all directions there was little more than drifting ice sheets and glaciers. Firm ground was nearly a mile above, and the deadly cold waters of the Arctic Ocean were far below. He had been stranded on the ledge for two days, freezing, starving, and desperate for water. No, things were not going as planned at all!
Still, Simon (formerly known as Choppers, formerly known as Heathcliff Hodges) refused to ask his goon for a rescue. In his effort to become an evil mastermind, Simon had read many books, including one by business tycoon Donald Trump. It had argued that you should never let your underlings know that you need help. It undermined their respect for you. He would save himself.
He pulled himself to his feet and balanced precariously on the tiny ledge. He searched the surface of the mountain for a handhold as he had done so many times before, and once again found nothing. Was he doomed to die? He went over everything he had ever been taught during his time as a secret agent. His former headquarters was filled to the brim with gadgets that would save his life—grappling guns, antigravity sneakers, and much more. But he’d have settled for a rope right then. He thought of his former teammates, especially Duncan Dewey, code name: Gluestick. Duncan would have had no problem with the icy cliffside. His skin produced a powerful adhesive that allowed him to stick to nearly any surface—hence his code name. He could walk along the ceiling like a fly or run up the side of a skyscraper.
It was all part of the upgrades the team members had received when they first became spies and members of an elite organization, the National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society, or NERDS, set with the task of saving the world from evil. Their fifth-grade weaknesses had been turned into superstrengths with the help of top-secret computer technology. Simon had huge front teeth, nearly as big as a horse’s. It was how he had gotten his spy code name, Choppers. After his upgrades, he could use his buckteeth to hypnotize and control others. A lot of good that did now when he was alone and slowly turning into a snow cone. What had their hopelessly incompetent director, Agent Brand, said to the team? “You don’t need gadgets. You are the gadgets.” That was it! Simon was the gadget.
He slammed his face into the ice, driving his enormous front teeth deep into the mountain. Alternately using his teeth and the heavy cleated boots he wore, he began to climb slowly.
Perhaps Simon should have been grateful for his amazing upgrades and his many hours of training, but that wasn’t how he felt. He was boiling mad. Sure, being a member of NERDS had been exciting, but because the work was secret, when the young spies weren’t out on a mission they went right back to being picked on by their classmates. He and the others had suffered hundreds of wet willies, power wedgies, and flicked ears, but had they ever fought back? NO! They had to protect their secret identities and the work they did around the world. Well, it was all bunk! What was the point of having superpowers if you couldn’t fight the bullies who tormented you? One day, while the school’s resident meanie was dunking Simon’s head into a toilet, the boy had realized that knuckleheads like this one would always torment people like him. The only way to change it would be to change everything. He decided to destroy the world. With society in shambles, people would be forced to rely on those with great intelligence—namely himself. Once again, reading and learning would be held in high regard, and people like Simon would be admired rather than abused and humiliated.
But his brilliant plan had been foiled by his own teammates. Of all people in the world, he had been sure his former friends would join him. They too were misfits, outcasts, spazzes—they’d been bullied, stuffed in lockers, and forced to hand over their milk money on a daily basis. But Simon had failed to see the effect Duncan Dewey had on the others. The chubby kid had always been a walking ball of positive energy. The abuse he suffered time and time again seemed to roll right off his back. And his grating optimism had infected the team. He’d even managed to convince the others to accept Jackson Jones, one of their cruelest tormentors, as a new member. When Simon finally revealed his brilliant plan to the NERDS, Duncan turned against him and the others followed. They acted as if he had betrayed them!
Simon’s thirst for revenge kept him going now through the painful climb. He was close to the summit. At the top, he hoped to find the remains of Dr. Jigsaw’s secret fortress, or at least some clothing and food. But when he was only a few inches away, the mountain shook violently. He bit hard into the ice with what was left of his strength. He knew well the source of the tremors. Jigsaw’s continental-shift machine was still active and was forcing the mountain farther into the sky. There was another quake, and this time Simon’s teeth could not hold on. The next thing he knew, he was falling—down, down, down into the sea. He hit the waves with a painful splash and, exhausted, sank into the icy black abyss.
For Simon, death seemed inevitable. But fate had another plan. It flash froze him like a fish stick. His heartbeat slowed to an almost undetectable rhythm, as did all his brain function. Every molecule in his body crystallized and a block of ice quickly formed around him, turning the boy into an ice cube of evil.
For weeks he floated south with the currents, bumping into ice floes around Iceland and Greenland, drifting past Canada and right down the eastern seaboard of the United States. Several lobster boats tried to reel him in, but the block was simply too heavy, and by the time Coast Guard officials got there to investigate, Simon had drifted away. The cube shrank a bit as it bobbed along in the warm waters of the Florida Keys, and on down past Cuba. Eventually, what was left of the chunk of ice washed ashore on a tiny, uninhabited island in the Caribbean Sea.
The waves hurled it onto a pebbly beach, where it was met by a squirrel with huge front teeth. Shocked by the cube’s sudden appearance, the squirrel fled into the jungle and didn’t return for three days. By then, the ice had melted considerably. When the squirrel mustered enough bravery, it hopped on top of the cube. It licked the ice and then spat out the salty water. Then, just as it was sure the ice posed no danger or benefit, it peered into the crystal cube and saw Simon’s giant buckteeth. It let out a startled squeak and began to dig at the ice with its little claws. Its excited chirps brought dozens of squirrels out of the jungle, and together they scratched and chipped at the ice, working to free the boy. Squirrels are not big thinkers, as a rule, but if one had read the minds of these particular squirrels, one would understand that they thought they had stumbled upon their god.
Three months later . . .
High in the jungle trees, a dark figure jumped from limb to limb. It ran along impossibly narrow branches and leaped across insanely large gaps. As it hopped, it shook a feast of wild nuts from the branches down to a pack of squirrels waiting below. They scurried about, gathering the nuts, until a fight broke out between two of the bigger squirrels. There was much squeaking and screeching until the figure from above swooped down and landed in front of them. The squirrels suddenly lowered their heads, not from fear, but as if they were under a powerful spell. Their master had arrived.