VADA: telling me I killed a human being is a bit higher up the priority chain than playing make-believe

VADA: god

VADA: you’re so

VADA: fuck

ELLIS: I’m so what?

VADA: what did you tell him?

VADA: he asked all sorts of questions

ELLIS: Like what?

VADA: like what the nature of our relationship is and shit

ELLIS: What did you tell him?

VADA: nothing

VADA: I don’t tell strangers our personal business

ELLIS: Of course. God forbid you tell anybody the truth.

VADA: oh fucking stop

VADA: this is so not the time

ELLIS: I didn’t tell him anything, either. He scared me.

VADA: he scared me, too

ELLIS: Where is he now?

VADA: lurking around the hospital like some fucking ghoul

VADA: probably stalking me

ELLIS: You’ll be out soon.

ELLIS: You’re almost ready for outpatient.

VADA: and then where?

ELLIS: Home.

VADA: where the hell is that anymore?

ELLIS: With me.

VADA: god

VADA: I fucking killed somebody, Ellis

VADA: I killed a human being

VADA: oh my fucking god

ELLIS: It was an accident.

VADA: no it wasn’t

ELLIS: What?

VADA: don’t talk to Max

VADA: don’t talk to anyone

VADA: if the police question you, tell them what I told you

VADA: you got in the passenger seat

VADA: do you understand me, Elle?

ELLIS: It was me, wasn’t it?

ELLIS: You’re covering for me.

VADA: jesus

VADA: no

ELLIS: You are.

VADA: stop it

VADA: delete these messages when we’re done

VADA: don’t be stupid

VADA: you did nothing wrong

ELLIS: Why are you talking like this?

VADA: like what?

ELLIS: Like I’m guilty. Like you’re protecting me.

VADA: I am protecting you, Elle

VADA: from your own fucking naivete

VADA: you always say things without realizing how other people hear them

VADA: you don’t understand how the world works

ELLIS: Fuck you, Vada.

VADA: I’m not judging you

VADA: I’m just saying

ELLIS: You’re saying I’m a liability. I get it.

ELLIS: You think I’m some dumb, naive child.

VADA: will you stop with the martyrdom

ELLIS: I know you’re hiding something.

ELLIS: About the accident. Something I can’t remember.

VADA: what does it fucking matter?

ELLIS: Because I know it was me. I know it’s my fault.

VADA: jesus christ

VADA: you’re the prince of self-pity

VADA: you’d be happier if I HAD let you get behind the wheel drunk, wouldn’t you?

ELLIS: Didn’t you?

VADA: I’m not fighting about this

VADA: just keep your story straight

VADA: make sure it matches mine

VADA: and don’t fucking tell anybody our personal business

ELLIS: It’s the same fight. Over and over.

VADA: don’t even start

ELLIS: You don’t really want me here.

ELLIS: I embarrass you. Shame you.

VADA: will you stop?

VADA: this is about a fatal car accident

VADA: not some episode of our never-ending soap opera

ELLIS: No, it is about us. Everything comes back to that.

ELLIS: This wouldn’t have happened if things weren’t so messed-up between us.

ELLIS: If you’d just be honest with yourself. With me.

VADA: I’m as honest as I know how to be

ELLIS: You never stand up for us.

ELLIS: You let your mom walk all over you. That was your chance to tell her.

VADA: THAT’S when you wanted me to tell her?

ELLIS: You let her define it. You let her call it unhealthy.

ELLIS: You always let other people define what we are.

VADA: I don’t even fucking know what we are

VADA: how could I define it?

VADA: maybe it is kind of unhealthy

VADA: I don’t know

ELLIS: I’m so tired of this, Vada.

VADA: you’re tired?

VADA: what are you fucking tired of?

ELLIS: Being the cross you have to bear.

ELLIS: Sometimes I’m even tired of you.

VADA: you know what?

VADA: fine

VADA: fuck you

VADA: you want to be the martyr? be my guest

VADA: you’re better off without me

ELLIS: What are you saying?

VADA: what do you think I’m saying?

VADA: go home

VADA: stay the hell away from me

VADA: I killed somebody

VADA: I dragged our stupid drama into the real world and now someone’s dead because of it

VADA: I’m toxic

VADA: this has gone way too far

VADA: just stay away from me

VADA: go back to Chicago, or whatever

VADA: just leave me alone

ELLIS: You don’t mean this.

VADA: I mean it with all my fucking heart

VADA: I’m blocking your number

ELLIS: Vada, please.

ELLIS: Let’s talk this through.

VADA: there’s nothing to talk about

VADA: it’s the same fight over and over, just like you said

ELLIS: That doesn’t mean I want it to end.

VADA: that’s where we’re different, Elle

VADA: you’re the idealist and I’m the realist

VADA: this doesn’t work

VADA: you and me

VADA: we’re a fucking mess

ELLIS: Please don’t go.

VADA: I love you but I can’t do this anymore

VADA: it’s better this way

VADA: I’m sorry Ellis

VADA: I love you

VADA: bye

—SPRING—

—3—

My drinking buddy banged on the kitchen door again.

I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. One hour till work and I’d been up half the night, curled into a ball in the bay window, teeth clenched, riding out the pain. Three months since the accident and I still didn’t have fine motor control in my right hand.

At twenty-two I was relearning life as a lefty.

When he hit the door this time, the glass squealed alarmingly.

Bastard was going to break something.

I staggered past the bed, pulling the blanket around my shoulders. If he broke shit, Mrs. Mulhavey would add it to my weekly rent. Which I was already late on. Which he knew, and offered to cover.

I said no, of course. Taking money from a man I’d wronged was below me.

I padded through the freezing kitchen, cold linoleum kissing my soles, and flung open the door. He stood with one hand poised in midair.

“Max,” I said, shivering. “What are you doing?”

“Did I wake you?”

“You probably woke half the city. What’s up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Me either.”

He took a flask from his jeans and swigged, then offered it to me. I shook my head.

I smelled the whiskey on him, strong. He’d missed the last ferry to the island. Next one came near dawn. So I’d keep him company till he could get himself across the bay and home.

Because this was our thing now. Holding each other back from the edge.

I stepped outside and sat on the sea-worn wooden rocker. Salt hung heavily in the wind, the rawness of the ocean like an exposed wound, dark and tender. Once upon a time you said we’d live beside the ocean, Ellis. Mermaids returning to our true realm. Well, I’m here, alone. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.