“I happened to be on the author’s page the other day and saw your comment to him,” Rosa tells her. “He really does sound like a momma’s boy. Nice job on the cutting the cord comment.”
If I glare at my sister any harder, I’m going to pop a blood vessel in my forehead.
Molly laughs and rests her elbow on the arm of the couch. “Thanks, I was pretty proud of that one. Of course the guy had to go and apologize and be all nice. I’m sure it was just a publicity stunt. Now I don’t know what to think about the whole date thing.”
“I think you should go,” Tessa pipes up.
“Um, hello?” I mutter in irritation, waving my hand in the air. “Person she’s already dating, sitting right here.”
Sure, we haven’t been on an official date yet and we haven’t had a chance to talk about being exclusive, but I think fake knocking her up and being a fake baby daddy gives me the right to call this thing between us whatever I want.
“You and that Alfanso D. sound a lot alike,” Rosa muses. “I bet if Molly agrees to go out with him, she’d probably find out you’re almost like the same person.”
Why couldn’t I have been an only child?
“I think I have enough on my plate right now, so I think I’ll stick to just dating your brother,” Molly laughs, looking behind my mother’s head to give me a wink.
“Marco tells me you just graduated from the school where he teaches,” my mother states, pulling Molly’s eyes from mine. “I hope my son was a good teacher.”
Mom gives me a dirty look, a nice little warning that she will kick my ass if she hears anything bad about me, quickly turning and smiling at Molly like she didn’t just silently threaten to end my life.
“He was a very good teacher, one of the best,” Molly tells her.
I’m too busy patting myself on the back to predict the next words out of my mother’s mouth.
“I wish he’d spend more time focusing on teaching instead of writing that porn,” she complains.
If we were in a bar, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to hear the screech of a needle sliding across a record as the entire place goes silent.
Molly chuckles. “I’m sorry, I thought you just said writing porn.”
It’s like we’ve all started playing a game of freeze tag and the person who’s “it” is being a major asshole and refusing to unfreeze everyone. My sisters aren’t moving or blinking, my mouth is stuck in a blow-up doll “Oh” face, and I’m wondering how long a person can hold their own breath before passing out.
I’m pretty certain that I’m the asshole and I know I should say something—anything—to change the subject, but words are potatoes and four is a purple cat.
Molly realizes she’s the only one laughing and looks around the room at everyone’s shocked expressions.
“Um, Marco?” she asks softly.
“Ha ha, so, funny story,” Rosa pipes up and I finally breathe, taking back my wish to be an only child as long as she does something to fix this fucking situation.
“Marco here writes porn!” she announces. “Well, he likes to call them erotic stories, but whatever.”
So, I’ll just go ahead and die right about now.
“He’s quite good at it too,” Tessa adds, playing along with Rosa. “He writes fanfiction. Vampire Diaries fanfiction to be more specific. You should let her read the m/m one you did with Damon and Stefan.”
Tessa winks at me and I vow to make sure Valerie goes to her first day of preschool with a backpack filled with condom-covered bananas for show-and-tell.
I can see by the confused look on Molly’s face as she looks back and forth between my sisters, and I that she’s not sure if she should believe what they’re saying. I hope to God she doesn’t think I’d write a story like that. I mean, come on. Damon and Stefan are brothers, that’s just disgusting.
“Let’s talk about something else,” my mother suggests, folding her hands in her lap.
At least my mother loves me enough to stop this insanity before my sisters make it worse.
“Molly, has Marco ever told you about when he was thirteen and I found all of his socks stuck to the floor under his bed?” she asks Molly sweetly.
“I think we should talk about Molly and the awesome thing she’s doing for her sister,” I proclaim, stopping my mother before she goes off on a masturbation tangent.
Seriously, it’s like they get a sick thrill out of making me look like an asshole. A porn-writing, tube-sock-masturbating asshole.
“You must really love your sister,” Mom states. “Your Aunt Claire told me over lunch the other day that your family is very close.”
Molly nods. “I do, and we are. They drive me crazy, but I’d do anything for them. Clearly, since I’m lying to all of them just to make sure my sister gets to marry the man she’s been in love with since she was a little girl.”
The pounding of little feet echoes out in the hallway and a dark-haired ball of energy flies into the room and dives onto Tessa’s lap.
“Aren’t you supposed to be taking a nap, little girl?” Tessa asks Valerie as she wraps her arms around her daughter’s waist and pulls her back against her chest.
“Naps are dumb,” Valerie announces. “Who are you?”
She points at Molly and then squirms out of Tessa’s hold to march over and stand in front of her.
“I’m Molly,” she greets her with a smile.
“My name’s Vagerie.”
Everyone laughs when she says her name wrong and mom shoots Tessa a questioning look.
“Why is my granddaughter calling herself Vagerie?”
We hear a laugh from the doorway and I let out a sigh of relief when I see my brother-in-law standing there.
“Sorry, that’s my fault,” Danny explains. “Tessa told me we need to start using proper words for body parts whenever Val asks about them, and her new favorite word is vagina.”
Valerie nods excitedly, moving right up to Molly until she’s pressing her little body against Molly’s knees.
“I have a vagerie and are you the Molly that Mommy says Uncle wants to hump?”
I immediately cough and choke at the same time and my mother reaches over and pats me on the back.
“It’s okay, hump means pee, but I don’t think people are ‘opposed to pee on each other,” Valerie informs her before turning her head towards me. “Uncle, you aren’t gonna pee on her, are you?”
Jumping up from the couch, I grab Valerie’s hand and pull her towards the doorway.
“Come on, Val, let’s go run with scissors and light some matches.” I ignore the laughter coming from all four women in the room. “When we’re done, I’ll pour you a bowl of sugar and give you some Red Bull to wash it down.”
“YAAAAAAY I love sugar!” Valerie cheers as we walk passed Danny and I call him a traitor for laughing with everyone else.
“Make sure she gives you another lesson on how to properly dress a banana,” my mother calls after me. “You wouldn’t even know how to take care of a pretend baby, let alone a real one.”
I walk faster with Valerie, knowing it’s probably not wise to leave Molly alone with those people for any length of time, but I have to get out of that room before I lose my shit.
“My cat licks his butt hole. Can you lick your butt hole, Uncle? Mommy says everyone has nipples, but I think she’s lying. My Barbie’s don’t have nipples. Do you have nipples?” Valerie rambles as we make our way to the spare bedroom.
Kids are so weird.
Chapter 15
– Ganja Grandma –
Molly
Leaning against the door frame of my parent’s living room, I watch my uncles and Marco all huddled together, deep in conversation. It’s so crazy how well he fits in with my family that it’s hard to believe he hasn’t been around them more than a handful of times. I’m trying to not let it get to me that we haven’t had more than a few minutes alone since this insanity started, but I only have myself to blame. Marco asked me out on a date and I chose dinner with his family instead of going somewhere alone. It was nice to witness someone else’s family be embarrassing instead of my own, but I should have consulted one of my sisters before immediately deciding on a family dinner for our first real date.