“And that was one week ago?” I nod and Dr. Mayer continues. “Now how do you feel?”

“I think I was rash in my anger, about him working for my mom. He’s a professional and this is his career. We aren’t a couple. He doesn’t owe me explanations or need to run clients through me for approval. I shouldn’t have been so defensive. I let my past dictate my initial reaction. Took my baggage and piled it on his shoulders, and that wasn’t fair.”

“I think it’s wonderful you are able to recognize and acknowledge that, and it’s understandable, Kate. You cannot expect perfectionism, only progress. Did you use your strategies for dealing with those feelings?” Moving one painted nail, I trace patterns over the wood grain of the chair arm. I shrug and release a frustrated breath.

“Yes. No? I went on a date with someone else.” Dr. Mayer nods, her expression free of judgment or surprise. This is why I love my sessions with her. She listens and helps find the answers I seek. The ones she insists I already know, but just need assistance unearthing.

“It was last Friday. The night after laying everything out with Jon. It’s wasn’t some random hookup. It was a guy I’d been talking to for weeks. Trent. And I didn’t use sex to run from my truth. I wanted to, though. I tried to. But I couldn’t.”

“Hmm…” Dr. Mayer studies me from behind her thick framed glasses. “That’s progress. Can you tell me why? Why didn’t you use sex with this Trent? It would have been easy to, yes?”

“It felt wrong. I kept thinking about Jon. And then when I wasn’t it was like there was this voice inside telling me I wanted more than a quick roll between the sheets.” She nods.

“And so you went home alone?”

“Well, he was already in my apartment…” She grins. A nervous laugh escapes my lips. “And I asked him to leave. After I kissed him. But nothing else.” Dr. Mayer laughs.

“That’s fine, Kate. What did you do after that? I can’t imagine that was easy. Those are some major behavior patterns to break, and that can be unsettling, bring out other emotions, feelings.”

“I rolled out my mat, yoga therapy. But you’re right. I was restless. It didn’t give me the same comfort it usually does. I kept wishing I could feel the way I did before.”

“Before the miscarriage?”

“No. Actually that wasn’t even a thought. Before I moved in with Jon. A month ago I would sit in my apartment, alone with my practice, after a good day at work or one of my photo shoots and I was content. It was enough. Why isn’t it enough anymore?”

“That’s an excellent question. I’m sure you’ve given it some thought.” I laugh.

“Dr. Mayer, this is the part where I’d just like to cut to the chase and have you tell me what’s wrong and how to fix my broken life!” She chuckles, an ongoing joke between us. If only life were so simple.

“Doesn’t work that that way, Kate.”

“I know. Wish it did, though. You’d make a killing. I’ve thought about it, but I don’t like my deduction.”

“Why don’t you share and we’ll figure it out together.”

“Jon changed things. I used to be enough. Now I wonder about him, how’s he doing? Is he dealing okay? Does he think about me? I miss his kisses, his touch, his deep laughter, our banter, the way he makes me feel safe, protected, cherished. I hate it.”

Dr. Mayer smiles. “Why do you hate that?”

“Because! I’m Kate Bryant. I fought to become the woman I am today. I don’t need a man to make me feel these things. I should be enough. I shouldn’t rely on someone else. He’ll just let me down in the long run.”

“Good. You’ve addressed some great points. I think it’s possible the feelings you’re experiencing are because you’ve let your guard down, so to speak, and are vulnerable with this man. That’s not a bad thing, Kate. It’s something a person has to earn from you, but also a key component of a healthy relationship. Though they are sure to bring up your past insecurities, which I believe is already happening.

“And you are enough, with or without him. You know this in your soul. These feelings of restlessness or confusion more likely stem from the fact you have been disappointed by those you loved and trusted in the past. So, the question is, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I suggested he see a counselor. I think I told you the last time we met that a buddy of his from the service committed suicide. He needs to deal with that. I bring enough shit to the table. As much as I care about him, I know better than anyone that I can’t fix this for him. I’ll be there and support him, but I’m not a professional.”

“That’s very wise, Kate. It’s not a good idea to enter a relationship that is set up for co-dependency. You’re doing all the right things here. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but unfortunately that’s not how things work. Be patient. Trust the process. Trust yourself.”

I nod. I feel empowered. A little of the burden I’ve carried all week is off my shoulders. She’s right. I’ve got this. And it will work out, one way or another, I just have to trust my inner voice. She’s never let me down so far.

“Same time next week?”

“Yes. Thank you again for working me back into your schedule, Dr. Mayer. And I’m sorry for calling you on a weekend. I felt so panicked after sleeping with Jon the night of the gala. Thank you for taking me last minute.” She looks up from her appointment book with a smile.

“Of course. That’s what my emergency line is for. And I’m proud of you, Kate. You are digging into the hard stuff much easier this time. It’s fine that you took time away from our sessions. I’m sure you will again. It’s healthy to recognize when you need a little help. It’s okay to rely on others. I know that’s difficult, given your past. But you won’t always be disappointed.”

I catch the light rail train from Dr. Mayer’s office to Melissa and Drew’s place. I could have driven, but I plan to drink. It’s been longer than usual between our girls’ nights. Melissa volunteered to host and I can’t wait to catch up. A night with Evie and Melissa is just what I need.

“Where’re my bitches at?” I call out as I let myself in through the unlocked kitchen door and unload the two bottles of vino I’ve stashed in my giant bag. Drew walks in with Claire on his hip.

“You’re going to need to clean up that potty mouth or we won’t invite you over anymore.” I smile. He reaches over to side hug me and kiss the top of my head. “Damn, Poppins. You got any Guinness in that magic bag?”

“No. I’m not Superwoman. Gimme gimme.” I reach out and pull Claire from his arms. She giggles when I tickle her belly and kiss her chunky, sweet face. I pull her in close and inhale the smell that only babies seem to possess. Baby therapy. The feeling settles and a genuine smile fills my face.

“You’ve done good with this one.” I meet Drew’s adoring gaze over Claire’s soft curls. He’s such a good daddy, and husband, too. He and Melissa have been together since college. I admire their relationship, and the effort they both put into it.

“Yeah, well, some say my sperm is magical.”

“Some?” Melissa comes into the kitchen raising her brows.

“One. One person says that.” He coughs. Melissa’s brows rise further into her hairline. “I’m counting myself. Damn it, woman, at least pretend I’m cool in front of your friends!” A giant grin fills her face and she walks over to Drew. He pulls her to his side and kisses her softly.

“My man.” She breathes and their affection is so honest and pure that I have to look away. The moment intimate and private, though only a chaste kiss. “Now take our daughter and get out of here!” She playfully slaps his belly and he grins.

“Sorry, Kate. You heard the woman. Hand her over.”

“But I don’t want to.” I pout and snuggle the baby close.