JULIA MITCHELL

I had a job to do. I had to call this unsuspecting woman, whose face was now fresh in my head, and tell her that her whole world might be on the verge of an irrevocable change.

“Hello,” her voice said when I dialed her number. I quickly blotted the tears from my eyes and tried to have some composure.

“Mrs. Mitchell,” I said, my voice breaking a little. I reminded myself to stay calm. If I sounded stressed, it would only make it worse for her.

“Yes.”

“I’m calling from Trinity Medical,” I said. She gasped. “I’m afraid that your husband has been in an accident. We’re going to need you to come down here as soon as possible.”

“What do you mean? Is he all right?”

“He’s in surgery now,” I said. “We’ll fill you in as soon as you get here.”

“I’m on my way,” she said. A sob broke from her end of the phone before it went dead.

I knew exactly what she was feeling. I had started crying the second I walked into Jamie’s house and saw his mother’s face. I felt helpless and hopeless, much like I’m sure Julia felt. At first she felt like the air was sucked from her lungs. Like she couldn’t catch her breath, no matter how hard she tried. The heaviness in her chest would be replaced with an ache, slowly squeezing her heart, and threatening to crush it. That would stick with her for days, weeks, months even. She was going to feel like she didn’t know which end was up. Like she was living in a nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from.

As I waited for her to arrive, I ran over to the operating room and looked through the windows. It was chaos. The rush of everyone’s movements. The worry in their eyes. I saw Dr. Clark pull the paddles from the cart next to him and yell, “Clear!”

I couldn’t watch. All I could do was think about Julia driving to hospital and what it would be like if I were in her shoes. If something happened to Brett, I wouldn’t even be able to get to the hospital quickly. He was a thousand miles away. I wouldn’t be on his list of emergency contacts and I’d never even met his family.

I wasn’t his wife. I wouldn’t have been called and on my way like Julia was. She wouldn’t even be able to remember how she got here—her sole focus was on her husband and getting to him as quickly as possible.

Dr. Clark walked out of the operating room and tossed his scrubs and gloves—covered with blood—into the bin outside the door.

“There was too much damage,” he said, when he saw my face. “We tried everything.”

“His wife is on her way,” I told him.

He nodded as he walked toward the front of the emergency room. The moment I saw her walk through the automatic doors—I knew it was her. The smile that I’d seen was now replaced with fear and uncertainty as she walked into the hospital, carrying her young daughter. She couldn’t have been more than two years old. I watched as Julia nearly crumbled in Dr. Clark’s arms. I heard her cries as I walked into an empty on-call room and closed the door behind me.

My system was flooded. The overwhelming emotions that I thought I had put behind me were back. I was stupid to think that I was strong enough to handle a life with Brett. I could barely handle the life of a patient’s family.

My tears fell freely as I thought about how Julia’s life would be changed. She was going to have to go home to her children and tell them that they would never see their father again. She was going to have to try and move on with her life. She’d think she was having moments of acceptance. She’d think about how grateful she was to be alive, or when she looked into the eyes of her children, but the truth was it was going to take her years to compartmentalize it all. When she did, when she thought that just maybe she could be happy again, something would happen and all the pain that she felt now would overtake her. Just like it had done to me.

I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I couldn’t put myself in situations where the odds of me ending up like Julia were even higher than normal. I’d do whatever it took to rid the fear from my system and protect my heart. Which meant calling the person I loved most and telling him that I couldn’t be the woman he needed me to be.

“Hey babe,” I said when she answered the phone. “What’s up?”

“Just got home,” she said. “About to get in the shower.”

“I’m out with Hoyt and Chayse,” I told her even though she didn’t ask. “Just wait until you meet her. She’s really something.” The two of us had talked about the mess Hoyt was in with his new rider and usually she cracked a joke about poor Hoyt’s well-being. This time she didn’t.

“That’s nice.” She was short with her words, more than the last time we’d talked. I could feel her pulling away from me and there wasn’t much I could do except ask her about it.

“Are you all right? Did something happen at work?” We’d been good. Nothing had happened between us to make her angry with me. I searched my brain for anything that I’d said or done and there was nothing.

“I was in the ER so everything happened,” she said. “It was a mess.”

“That sucks, babe,” I said, trying to be there for her.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You’ll graduate soon and then you can be in whatever department you want. You won’t have to work in the emergency room if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t mean that,” she said slowly. “I mean us. I don’t think I can do this long distance thing.”

“Are you serious right now?” I said after a long silence trying to comprehend what I had just heard. I could tell something was up with her, but I never imagined her saying that.

“It’s too hard.”

“You think I like it?” My voice rose a little and I suddenly remembered where I was. I calmed myself down. “We were fine just a few hours ago,” I said. Something must have happened to cause this panic. “What are you doing, Georgia?”

“I’ve just been thinking,” she said. “A lot. I think it would be easier for both of us if we just ended this now. Before anybody gets hurt.”

“Oh you think it would be easier?” I snapped, already hurt by the conversation. I was doing everything I was supposed to do to make this work between us. I thought she was meeting me halfway, but apparently I was wrong. “Because it sounds to me like you’re giving up.”

“I’m not...” she cleared her throat. “I’m not giving up. I just... I can’t do this again.”

“What are you talking about again?”

“I will not put myself through it,” she said as if she was talking to herself. I had a pretty good idea that she was blurring the lines between me and Jamie at that moment. “I can’t.”

“I’m right here, Georgia,” I tried to coax her back to reality. I could hear her crying, despite her best attempt. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t know that. You can’t make a promise you can’t keep.”

“Please don’t do this,” I said, hearing the desperation echo in my phone. I could feel her pulling away. I could feel her ending something that we’d barely started. “Let’s talk about this.”

“I’m sorry,” she said before the line went dead. She didn’t even give me a chance to plead my case. I dialed her number and it went straight to voice mail. The clench of my fist was threatening to shatter the phone. I put it in my pocket on the chance that she would come to her senses and call me back.

As I walked back to where Hoyt and Chayse were sitting, I felt like I’d been gutted. The walls were closing in on me and everything I wanted to say to her was still on the tip of my tongue. I had to get out of there and call her back. I needed her to hear everything I had to say.

“What’s the matter with you?” Hoyt said as I pulled a twenty from my wallet and tossed it on the bar. Clearly my state of mind was obvious from the look on my face.