Brooke shrugged, taking a seat at the table. “Honestly, not so good. I can’t stop thinking about Cage. He’s not going to take the news about AJ very well. He idolizes his dad. That’s why he’s here. Cage couldn’t wait to graduate high school so he could move closer to AJ.”

“Then I’m even more surprised AJ’s parents want him to move to Portland and leave Cage behind.”

Brooke gave Jillian an uneasy look. “Cage is one of the reasons they want him to come to Portland. They don’t want him feeling the burden of being pulled between football, school, and AJ’s treatment. And …”

“And?”

Brooke released a heavy breath. “Jim’s worried that AJ could do something.”

“Something?”

A single nod. “He thinks AJ could become suicidal if or when things get bad.”

Every ounce of her wanted to refute what Brooke said, but she couldn’t. Of course AJ would rather die than live in misery or be a burden to anyone around him. Jillian would have been the same way.

The dense silence weighed heavily in the room.

“So, anyway, are you joining us at Lilith’s for tea and coffee in a little bit?”

“I have something I need to do before we leave for the game later.”

Brooke nodded. “Okay, well I’ll see you a little later then.”

Jillian’s mouth pulled into a tight smile.

*

Dark, full clouds stretched for miles. Mother Nature painted the sky to match the mood. Perhaps it was to give the Monaghan family permission to feel sad. So much sadness.

“Jillian.” Jim answered the door. “I assumed you’d be having coffee with the ladies.”

“Not this morning. Is AJ here?”

“He’s still asleep. I didn’t want to wake him. Char said he was awake most of the night. Migraine.”

She frowned. Guilt for not being there seeped into her conscience.

“I’ll tell him you stopped by when he wakes.”

There was no need. Jim didn’t know Jillian and since he said she should leave, then he most certainly didn’t understand her relationship with his son.

“Actually, I’m going to peek in on him.” She stepped past him, not waiting for his approval.

“I’m not sure that’s the best id—”

“It’s fine. You should go see if Dodge needs an excuse to leave the hen house.”

“Well, okay … I guess.”

“Bye, Jim.” She waved without another look back.

The room was black, trapped in silence until Jillian gently shut the bedroom door behind her. Breathing in a shaky breath, she slipped off her boots and clothes, then slid under the sheet.

AJ didn’t move. Pressing her lips to his shoulder, she waited to feel his heart … waited to feel his next breath. His chest rose and fell in a long, relaxed breath, and she sighed.

“I’d take it from you if I could. You have so much more to live for than I do,” she whispered, resting her hand against the side of his head as he continued to sleep. “I forgive you.” Uninvited tears stung her eyes. “I know you’re going to leave me.” She bit her upper lip, hard. “It’s okay to go. They need you more.”

Maybe someday it would be okay for her to need someone more than anyone else. Then again, maybe she was the ultimate survivor and needed no one. Who could live like that?

“What if I need you more?” AJ whispered, startling Jillian.

Resting her cheek on his back, she snaked her arms around his waist. He grabbed her hands and squeezed them, wringing the tears from her eyes—the life from her soul.

“Then I’m the luckiest woman alive. And I know I am … but not because you’re going to stay. It’s because I’ve had the privilege of loving a man that’s going to be completely selfless and go home for all the right reasons.”

“I have season tickets to Cage’s games. I want you to go to them … all of them.”

She squeezed his hands back. So. Very. Tight. “K.”

“And I want you to make sure he stays out of trouble. I know that’s a tall order for you.”

Jillian smiled.

“When?”

“When?” he questioned.

“When are you leaving?”

His chest expanded slowly. He inhaled a deep breath, the kind that gave one courage. “I’m going back with them tomorrow.”

She held her breath. She held everything completely together—absolutely still.

“Jillian?”

“Hmm?”

He rolled over and pulled her into his arms. The desperation in their embrace crushed something inside her. Something that could never be repaired.

“I need you to be okay with this. You are the strongest person I have ever met, and I’ve met some really strong people. If you can’t do this, I won’t be able to either.”

That strength he referred to had become her greatest weakness. A burden—a curse.

“Tell me you’ll be okay.”

A little girl’s voice—the one she heard when Claire died, the one that wept for her parents, and the one that whispered goodbye to her heart in argyle socks—it screamed so loud.

I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not anything you think I am!

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered.

*

Cage James Monaghan came into the world at six fifty-five in the evening on August third. It was the only time Brooke had seen AJ cry. He held his son in his arms and promised to give him everything.

AJ added father to his list of failures in life, but Cage never did. While he loved his mother, he wanted to be with his father the hero. It was bittersweet trying to live up to the rock star status Cage had bestowed upon him. The gifted son of the fucked-up war veteran grew up to be a good man, a hard working student, and an amazing quarterback. All despite AJ’s influence.

The packed stadium roared to life as the sun made a brief appearance to say everything would be okay. Cage would be okay.

AJ didn’t keep track of the score. He watched his boy light up the field, his ex-wife cheer on their son, his parents beam with pride every time Cage completed a pass, and the deflated woman who took so much more than he ever imagined he had to give.

Jillian clapped when the crowd clapped and stared at the field the entire time. He heard her every word that morning. Felt the depths of her grief—saw the vacant look in her eyes. Every day he saw deeper into her heart … into her past. In such a short amount of time the things he hated most about her turned into the things he couldn’t imagine living without.

If she ever stopped getting the mail in her boots and panties, it would be the greatest crime ever at Peaceful Woods. The sex toy consultant with a Harley—that was Jillian. That was the woman he loved. That was the woman he fucked like his life depended on it. Somehow he knew the last image he would ever have would be of her.

“Good game, huh?” His dad rested a firm hand on AJ’s shoulder as the team walked off the field, celebrating their first victory.

AJ nodded. The time came for him to rob all of that happiness from Cage, tearing his world apart before saying goodbye, forever.

Everyone met up for dinner. The bar and grill bulged to capacity with rowdy victory partying. AJ didn’t rush anything. He gave his family time to share a meal, laugh, and celebrate. After the last bite, final beer, and check paid, his parents went home with Brooke’s husband, their girls, and Jillian. AJ and Brooke drove back to Cage’s place, and they ended his world as he knew it. Their two-hundred pound grown son sobbed like a little boy in his daddy’s arms. A Band-Aid, kiss, and sucker couldn’t fix it. Nothing could fix the ugliest part of life that knocked on AJ’s door.

Cage promised to come visit the first weekend he had off. He also promised AJ that he wasn’t dying. His son held the same optimism Char and Brooke clung to. That he could have. AJ wouldn’t take that from any of them. After all, what’s left when all hope is gone?

*

Jillian. That’s who remained when all hope faded into darkness. After the drive home with Brooke, he took a long shower. He closed his eyes and let his tears mix with the water and soap that he massaged through his hair. He cried for the boy who loved him so unconditionally, the father to the grandchildren he would never meet, the man who would do things so much bigger, so much better than AJ ever could.