“And the mind boggling part is you’re even more unavailable to me now than you were before. Olivia’s absence took you so much farther away from me. Even though you’re here, in my house, every day. You’re here, but you’ve never been more out of reach.”

   “Devon,” I managed to whisper, not really even knowing what I wanted to say, just needing to stop his words.

   “Unless-ˮ

   “Devon, no.”

   “Unless it’s you who’s keeping yourself away for her sake.”

   “I’m here, Devon, but we can’t-″

   “There’s no reason we can’t-″

   “Yes, there is. Olivia-″

   “Is dead.”

   His words hurt for so many reasons I couldn’t even begin to count them. Olivia was dead; there was no reason to deny him that fact. I stood up, finally finding some feeling in my body besides the pounding of my heart. I walked to him, stopping just far enough away so that he didn’t get any ideas about reaching out and touching me. Surely, that would break me.

   “Olivia being dead isn’t the reason we can’t be together. But, it can never be the reason we are.”

Chapter Nine

Summer between Sophomore and

Junior Year of College

   “So, when you decided to get an apartment on the third floor, was it always your master plan to make me do all the heavy lifting?” Elliot’s voice rang out through the semi-empty apartment, and I smiled automatically as I always did around him.

   “Well, first of all, it wasn’t my plan to get an apartment on the third floor, that’s just what was available. But, yeah,” I said, turning and leaning my backside up against the kitchen counter, “I kinda knew you wouldn’t let me haul my stuff up two flights of stairs.” I watched, a little breathless, as he dropped a box full of textbooks on the floor of my soon-to-be living room, then turned toward me. His t-shirt was beginning to stick to his body, just slightly damp from working up a sweat carrying boxes upstairs. I knew from personal experience what the landscape of his chest looked like, but something about it being covered in cloth but still visible had my heart rate pounding.

   I’d found over the last year of dating Elliot that you could grow to love someone, grow to trust them, build something with them. We’d started out a little rocky, mostly my insecurity and wariness to start a relationship at all, but Elliot had been a steady and constant presence in my life, and made being with him easy, made loving him easy. He was one of the best people I’d ever known.

   He was also terribly handsome and sexy, as demonstrated in that moment as he strode toward me with determination and heat in his eyes.

   “Every time I have to haul your belongings up those stairs, I’m going to take a kiss from you,” he said, trying to sound threatening, but the idea was anything but unpleasant.

   “That will surely add time to the move,” I said, trying to sound as if I couldn’t care less, as if giving in to him was a nuisance rather than a thrill. I turned to put a cup in the new place I’d just deemed my “cup place,” and felt the tingles shoot up my spine as he came closer.

   “What if I told you,” he said, his body coming to press up against mine, deliciously warm and firm, his hand brushing my blonde hair off my shoulder, “that every time I kiss you.” His breath was warm on my neck as my breath stalled in my lungs. “I’ll kiss you in a different place?” His lips pressed against my neck, just barely, but then he added pressure and a hint of tongue, and my knees went weak. I gripped the countertop, both trying to hold myself up but also because I simply needed to hold on to something.

   I swallowed thickly, and then took in a sharp breath at the feeling of his teeth nipping at me. “I’d tell you,” I rasped, not able to hide the arousal in my voice, “that there are a lot of boxes to be moved.”

   “You think I can’t find enough places on your body to put my mouth?”

   My hand reached behind me and found its natural place at the nape of his neck. “I think you’d do just fine.” With that, he spun me around, quickly fitting his mouth over mine, hands gripping my backside. I loved kissing Elliot. He was an expert kisser, always passionate. He didn’t kiss as a means to an end, he genuinely enjoyed kissing and therefore, so did I. When his fingers found the hem of my tank top and slid up my back toward the clasp of my bra, I knew if I didn’t stop him, we’d add a half hour to our moving time.

   “Hey now, no one said anything about second base,” I said as I gently pushed him away, my hands on his chest. He gave me a smirk, but then backed away, making his way to my front door.

   “We’ll see what you have to say about bases after about twenty boxes,” he said with a wink.

   “Keep talking, Elliot. I don’t see any more boxes making their way up the stairs on their own.”

   He clutched his chest, mimicking pain. “You wound me. I knew you only wanted me for my brute strength.” I raised his arm and kissed his, admittedly, impressive biceps.

   “Get out of here,” I said through a happy laugh. He winked again, but then disappeared out through my door. I turned back to the work of unpacking my kitchen. I was still smiling a minute later when my door burst open again, only this time I didn’t hear Elliot’s beautiful voice, I heard Olivia’s melodic one.

   “Look at this awesome bachelorette pad!” Her voice was soft and friendly. I leaned back from the counter to see her turning circles in my living room, taking in my new and mostly empty apartment. She dropped her purse on the floor against the wall, and then joined me in the kitchen.

   “Hey you,” I said, smiling even harder because she was there. “I didn’t know you were coming over. I’m glad to see you.”

   “Devon and I got all our stuff moved in yesterday and then this morning we were just sitting around, twiddling our thumbs, and realized that living together wasn’t much different than what we were doing. So, I wanted to come see your place.”

   Liv and I had lived on campus for our sophomore year. We’d gotten a dorm room which we shared with two other girls that had a private bathroom. It was sort of like an apartment, but came with a meal plan and was within walking distance of all our classes. I loved living there and building friendships with the other two girls, but as Devon and Liv grew closer, she had wanted to take their relationship to the next level.

   Devon had been good for Liv, but he’d also been good to Liv. He’d been nothing but steady and reliable and, eventually, once she’d finally realized he wasn’t going to rip her heart to shreds as it had been in the past, she calmed down. She stopped drinking excessively, stopped partying often, and became the Liv I’d known all along. She was back to being the sweet, funny, caring friend I’d had for years. When she’d told me they had decided to move in together, I was happy for her, but a little disappointed. I’d imagined living with her throughout our college experience. Not to mention that since I’d been dating Elliot for the same amount of time they’d been together, I’d felt the pressure to make the same move with him.

   “Well, I’m glad you’re here,” I said sincerely. “Where’s Devon?” I tried to ignore the familiar nervousness that shot through me like the crack of a gunshot whenever I said his name. I was always afraid that when I said his name she’d be able to hear it in my voice, hear the way I said his name and know. Know that, of everyone I’d ever met in my whole life, I felt more connected to him, felt more like we were always trying to ignore the pull that existed between us. Because of that, I tried desperately to never say his name aloud. But sometimes it was necessary.

   “Someone say my name?”