“I’m a fucking idiot.” I stand and pull out my phone.

“What are you doing?” Kadence asks, her eyes growing wide with anticipation.

“Calling, Bell.” I scroll through my recent contacts, hit her name and bring the phone up to my ear. I’m not even sure she’s going to answer, but I have to try.

“Hello.” Her voice shocks me for a second before I compose myself and speak.

“Bell?”

“Hi, Jesse?” she answers. Not angry, or sad, just resigned.

“I’m, umm. I-” I stumble with what to say. I didn’t think that far ahead when I decided I was going to try to call her. I look down at Kadence as she nods her encouragement.

“How are you?” I ask and start to move back to my room. Kadence pouts, annoyed she will miss out on our conversation, but I know I can’t do this in front of her.

“I’ve been better.” Her soft reply brings me back to the moment and has me wanting to reach through the phone to her. For her.

Reaching my room, I close the door and walk to the bed. “I fucked up, sweetheart,” I admit, knowing I don’t have any right to ask for forgiveness, but still needing it all the more. “I wasn’t in a good place and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking…” I trail off, my head remembering parts of that day and wishing I could shut it all out. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Out of everyone in my life, she was the one who brought me peace. She was the one who constantly tried to help me move past it.

“You still there?” I ask, realizing I got lost in my head for a minute.

“Yeah,” she whispers and I wait for more, but it doesn’t come.

“Say something, Bell,” I plead, still holding onto hope that I haven’t pushed away the one person in this world who gets me.

“Jesse, I can’t do this with you right now.” She sighs, ignoring my confession.

“Don’t give up on me, Bell,” I beg, not sure if we can come back but willing to do anything she needs me to.

After reading my father’s words, I want to try. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want to live my life in this regret any longer. I might not ever forget what he put us through, but I know letting it go is the only way I can move forward. Move forward with her.

“I know you weren’t yourself, Jesse. You were hurting and dealing in your own way. It doesn’t make it right, nor does it make things between us better, but I’m glad you finally see something has to change.” Her soft voice clenches my heart.

“Things are going to change, Bell. I promise.” I believe it more than I’ve ever believed in anything before.

“I hope so for you, Jesse.”

“For us,” I correct her, needing her to know where my head is at.

“Jesse, right now there is no us.”

“Don’t say that, sweetheart. There will always be an us. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I’m not giving up.”

“Maybe it would be easier? Just walk away and let it be.” The coolness of her tone doesn’t sit well with me, but I have to remember I can’t demand her forgiveness.

“Bell, what do you need from me right now?” I know I might be opening myself up for rejection, but I can’t expect her to trust me when I can’t give her what she needs.

“I need time, Jesse. I need to feel safe, and I need you to fight for yourself, not for me.”

“I’ll give you time. I’ll fucking count the seconds, the minutes, the hours until I can prove you’ll be safe with me. But I’m fighting for both of us, baby.”

The silence rings loudly in my ear, reaching my heart and embedding itself into my soul. Her silence, my loneliness, all fuels me to fight. Fight like I never have before for the only person in my life worth fighting for.

This is a battle; this is a war of the hearts. Call me selfish, an asshole, a fucking prick… whatever, but Bell is going to experience firsthand what it looks and feels like to have a man fight for her. She might not believe it now, and she has every right not to, but I am going to get her back. Time was all I had.

She will see.

Thirty-Six BELL

JESSE: Thinking of you.

I pick up my phone as the daily text from Jesse comes through right on time. My thumb dances over the buttons, tempted to reply, but I don’t.

It’s been two weeks since Jesse called me. Two weeks of waking up every morning and seeing his name come up on my phone. Two weeks of him telling me he misses me. Two weeks of going to bed and reading his apologies. Two weeks of guilt.

I know I’m shutting him out, and maybe I’m not playing fair, but what else can I do? Pulling back from Jesse is the right thing to do.

“Bell, are you ready?” My mom’s question travels up the staircase and into my bedroom.

“Yep, give me five,” I shout back, placing my phone down and moving to finish packing the last box left. Even though the last few weeks have been hard, they’ve made me realize, Jesse was right. I let Paige and my need to find her stop me from moving forward. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to lose any more time, and when I finally realized that I made the decision to move out.

At first, Mom and Dad were shocked. So soon after Jesse and I breaking up, they voiced their concerns that I was reacting. And maybe I was, but deep down, we all knew it was the right thing to do. Deep down, we all knew it was coming.

It also allowed me keep my mind off things. Things like a hurting Jesse.

“You got the last box?” Dad asks from my door, breaking my thoughts.

“All done.” I stand and point to the last box.

“You better go check on your mom. She’s very close to losing it. Lissy isn’t helping.” He winks before bending to pick up the box. I roll my eyes picturing what my best friend could be filling my mother’s head with.

“Maybe she should stay. I can come back when I’ve settled in?” I begin to follow him out, not sure Mom is going to cope.

“No, give her this. It’s good for her,” he encourages as we head down the stairs and out to the truck that holds all my belongings.

“Okay, but beware of the tears,” I warn, watching him move toward the front door. I don’t follow; instead, I move to where Lissy and my mom are talking in the kitchen.

“All done,” I tell them, walking to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. Mom is quiet, while Lissy lets out a loud shout of excitement.

“This is gong to be so awesome!” I point a look her way, telling her to cool the enthusiasm. She doesn’t get it, so I give up and turn to mom.

“Now, are you certain you’re ready for this, Bell?” Mom asks when I step back around the counter.

“Yes, Mom. I’m ready. We’ve been over this.” She nods, her head moving fast, like she’s trying to force the reality of what’s happening here today to sink in.

“Okay, before anyone starts backing out, let’s do this.” Lissy claps her hands once. Her smile is huge and I want to mirror it, but I don’t want to upset Mom too much.

“Dad’s ready,” I agree, and wait for her to move.

“What am I going to do without you?” She steps forward and takes me in her arms. Her body shakes in mine, her emotions becoming too much. I knew it was coming, so I let her have her moment.

“Well, if I were you, I’d be turning Bell’s room into a gym,” Lissy jokes, breaking the moment.

Mom steps back and forces a smile. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and I know it’s going to take time. Everything is going to be all right.

At least with us it would be.

JESSE: Noticed a shirt missing today. You know anything about that, sweetheart?

Shit

I drop my phone back into my bag and continue to make my way out of the building.