“Does it not help, talking about what you went through?” I push, wondering why Jesse stopped.

“For some it does. For others talking about it can make it worse.”

“And Jesse? Why doesn’t talking help him?”

“Jesse’s issues are complex, Bell. You have to understand, nothing is going to change what we experienced over there. It’s about learning to live with it, and not let it bring us down. Jesse has a hard time with that.” I nod, even if I don’t understand it. It’s not that I don’t want to know what he’s dealing with, I do more than anything, I just wish Jesse helped me to see it his way.

“Have you spoken to him?”

Conner shakes his head. “He’s still up at that damn house they dropped him off at. I went and visited him yesterday. He was so out of it I don’t even know if he realized I was there.”

“You think it’s wise leaving him on his own?” I question, still unsure it’s the best place for him.

“It’s probably the safest place for him right now. I don’t think he’s going to do anything stupid. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.”

“I hope you’re right.” I bite at my bottom lip, concerned Jesse isn’t going to come around. Last week was rock bottom and I’m second-guessing the decision to cut him out.

“Trust me, Bell. He just needs some time to get his head in a better place.” He tries to assure me.

I nod and take a breath. “I just wish I could help him, Conner,” I say, taking a seat. It’s the first time Conner and I have discussed Jesse since the funeral. Conner was there, saw the fall out and Jesse being an ass. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. All of Jesse’s family and friends heard his comment. I tried to get out of there, tried to hide my humiliation, but neither Jay nor Jackson would let me leave—not until Nix and the boys dragged Jesse out of there. Only then did Jay drive me home.

It wasn't the most comfortable drive home. It was hard enough meeting Jay for the first time under those sad circumstances. As we drove home in awkward conversation, I came to realize he wasn’t that much different than Jesse. Only he’d come to peace with whatever demons his father cast on him.

“You were helping him. His father’s death has just pushed him too far.” Conner brings me out of my head telling me what I already know. I thought Jesse was moving forward, and letting me in, but the news of his father’s death only served to pull him back.

“I don’t know how he’s going to come back, Conner. Every one of Jesse’s issues stems from that man.”

“He will, Bell. He has a lot of family. We’re not going to let this take him.” Moving forward, he reaches for my hand.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, expecting him to love me back.” I start to question everything, wondering where I could have helped more.

“Bell, this isn’t your fault. Admitting you love him didn’t make this happen. Jesse has been a ticking time bomb his whole life. I’m surprised he didn’t go off before now. I think you coming into his life kept him at bay for a while, but it was only a matter of time before the countdown to him exploding would engage again.” I nod, because now I’ve had time to process everything that has happened since last weekend, I can see what Conner is saying. Jesse had always managed to push everything down; it was only a matter of time before it all came down around him.

“Been telling him for years to sort his shit out, but only he can make it happen, Bell. Maybe now he’s lost his father, he realizes living the way he has been living isn’t healthy.”

“I hope you’re right, Conner.” I smile, even if there is nothing worth smiling for right now. “I just wish it didn’t end the way it did. That hurts the most.” I wipe at my face, still hurting over his words and how he pushed me out.

“It will work out, you’ll see.” He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “And if it doesn’t, who needs that jackass when you have me?” He winks and flashes me a grin.

“Oh, God.” I laugh, knowing he’s just messing with me.

“There she is. Come on, you’re buying me dinner.” He nudges me and orders me out. I follow along willingly. The last thing I need is to be alone, and if I can’t have Jesse’s humor, I needed the next best thing—his best friend’s.

Thirty-Five JESSE

“Wake up, motherfucker. Vacation is over.” I hear the words break though my dream.

“Huh?” I groan when Nix’s voice brings me out of my sleep. Great, I’m still fucking here.

“Vacation is over, fucker. I’m taking you back to the clubhouse. Get your ass in the goddamn shower, you stink like a homeless fuck.” Nix kicks at my feet, knocking them off the table in front of me.

“Fuck off.” I yawn, looking up at my pissed off Prez.

“No, you fuck off. We’ve given you two weeks to sort your shit out. Liquid is falling apart without you and I’m done waiting for you to get your head right.” I hear what he says, but it doesn’t register. I don’t want it to. It’s nicer to live in a world of ignorance and not caring.

“Nix.” A familiar voice interrupts Nix’s shouting and I look up for the first time, noticing Kadence is here as well. “Can I have a minute with Jesse?”

“Kadence,” Nix begins, but I don’t hear what he says. I block the asshole out, and move my attention to his woman who I’ve come to love as a sister.

“Fine, five minutes, then I’m coming back.” Nix kicks at my leg again, bringing me out of my head.

“Yes, Nix. Five minutes,” she placates him while he pulls her into his chest and plants a kiss on her lips before stepping back.

“Don’t be a cockhead to my woman, Jesse.” He flicks my ear and my slow reflexes only react when he’s halfway across the room.

Fucker.

“Jesse? How you holding up?” Kadence comes closer, moves some things around on the coffee table and sits in front of me.

“Fine, don’t know what the big deal is. Just needed a fucking vacation, okay?” I reach past her for my beer and take a sip. Jesus, how long has this been sitting there?

“I agree. It’s been a rough few weeks.” She nods, looking around the club’s safe house. I follow her gaze and realize for the first time what a mess it is.

“What day is it?” I ask, giving up on the beer. I need to get my shit together.

“Friday.” She looks back at me and arranges her face.

“Shit.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve been here all week?” I ask, trying to figure out where all my days have gone.

“No, two.”

I look up. “Two weeks? Jesus.”

“Sy and Beau have been up every few days. Conner’s been in to check on you too. You don’t remember seeing them?” she asks. I shake my head. Fuck me, I really have fucking checked out.

“Jesse, this has to end. You need to get some help.” I massage my forehead, soothing away the ache that’s taken up residence inside my skull.

“I’m fine, Kadence. I fucking deal with everything on my own,” I argue, knowing I’m full of shit.

“And how is that working out for you?” She raises her brows, calling me out on my shit.

“I’m getting there,” I lie, because it’s easier than admitting the truth.

“Then why are you hiding? Why won’t you let anyone in?”

“Last time I checked, your husband sent me to exile. And I do let people in,” I scoff. Is she kidding? I might not let people see the shit I hide, but I let people in.

“I mean really let them in, Jesse. Let Bell in.”

“I don’t want to talk about Bell.” I move to stand, but my body is so fucking out of it, standing has become too hard.

“Be real with me for once, Jesse Carter. I am your friend. You helped me out when I was in a dark place before. Let me do the same for you.” I look at her, and can see I’m hurting her. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, right? Hurting people.