My hand falls back to my side.  I want to grab her, hold her, but I can’t.  We can’t just pretend that all the agony, both fresh and old, never happened.  If we’re going to do this, we’ve got to do it the hard way. “Ren, can I come in?  Or can you come out?”

Her eyes shift to the camera.  I can tell she’s wondering what the hell I’m up to.  I hope she gives me the benefit of the doubt, whether I deserve it or not.

“Give me two minutes,” she says.  “I’ll meet you out front.”

“Take your time.  I’ll wait.”

She still looks puzzled.  After all, the tone of this short encounter is rather subdued compared to the last one, when I warned her that when I was done getting my fill she’d be nothing more to me than another empty pussy.  It doesn’t matter if she’d ever said or done anything to justify it.  A bigger lie was never told.

The day is a rare one full of clouds.  I make my way outside and stand there in the yard beside the corner of the house where once upon a time I’d held her close a few moments after our first kiss.

When Ren comes outside she’s wearing a pair of brown leather cowboy boots and a wary expression.  The way she looks at me it’s like she’s expecting a slap.  Or worse.  She folds her arms in front of her chest in a defensive pose and keeps her eyes on the ground as she closes in.

“I love you and it doesn’t matter what time or anything else does to us.  Even if the worst happens and we’re ripped apart it will change nothing.  I’ll still love you, Oscar.” 

How is it possible we’ve come to this?  Two strangers fighting the saddest, most useless of wars.

I meet her halfway and there’s a highly awkward second where we face off and stare at each other.  Meanwhile, a sizeable lizard breaks out of some nearby sage and scurries through the space that separates us.  It’s strange.  Lizards don’t typically abandon their shelters to get closer to humans.  Somewhere I heard that lizards represent good omens.  I hope that’s true.

She breaks the silence.  “Before you say anything, I want you to know that I’m glad you came back.”

“Are you?”

Ren nods and inhales deeply, closing her eyes and then exhaling slowly.  She opens her eyes and looks at me clearly.  “Yes.  Oscar, I never told you that I was sorry.  I’m truly sorry for everything happened five years ago.  I’m sorry for turning my back on you.  I need you to know that I never believed anything Lita said.  That wasn’t it.  That wasn’t the reason at all.  I should have said so the day you came back here but I didn’t.”

The lizard has paused from his journey back to the brush.  He jerks his head, watches us for a split second with tiny inscrutable eyes and then darts away with lightning speed.

I shove my hands in my pockets and get closer, nudging her shoulder.  “Let’s take a walk.”

She’s surprised but she nods and her body language relaxes as we stroll beyond the yard of the big house, past the brothel, close to the cemetery.   When we reach the far side of the wrought iron fence that surround the clump of fake headstones, I pause and give her a hard look.

“Ren, I know you never believed her.  I’m not an idiot.  I know that somebody probably threatened you with something and that’s why you felt like you had no choice.  That part’s done.  And we were kids.  I don’t blame you anymore for not knowing what the fuck to do.”

We’re standing close now, close enough for my body to start responding to her.  Jesus, I just can’t help it.  She smells like cherries and vanilla.  Plus she’s not wearing a bra.  I shift from my weight casually, trying to relieve the rising pressure in my pants.

Ren notices and a knowing smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.  It’s like we’re both hit with the same memory at the exact same second.  It seems like the moment just happened.

“Didn’t know the Savages were telepathic.” 

“We’re not.  You’re just transparent.” 

“What am I thinking about, Ren?”

Her smile fades.  She hugs her arms around herself and looks sadly at the corpse-free cemetery.   “It wasn’t so much their threat to me.  It was the threat to you.  Lita said she would sick the dogs of the press on both of us and there would be nowhere to hide from the scandal she would invent.  She also said she could make criminal charges stick because she’d somehow uncovered the fact that you were over eighteen.”

“I could have handled Lita.”  My voice is sharper than I meant it to be.

“Maybe,” she whispers.   Then she shakes her head miserably. “But maybe I couldn’t.  I guess that’s my biggest regret.  That I never had the strength of character to really say fuck you to Lita and to every ridiculous expectation attached to this last name.  Remember when you told me I’m just a shell of who I once was?”

“Ren, I didn’t mean-“

“Well, you were right.”  She nods and looks me in the eye.  “And you were wrong.  I’m not tough or courageous.  But then, I never was.”

The wind picks up.  A falcon flies right over our heads, its dark shadow briefly washing over us.  The cameras keep rolling.

“I’m not asking for your sympathy, Oscar.  And I don’t expect it.  Just know that you were once everything to me.  You were everything to me for a long time, far longer than I’ve ever been able to admit.”  She looks down and her voice drops to a whisper. “That’s all.”

“That’s all,” I echo.   She nods tiredly and starts to walk away.  I grab her arm and pull her back a little roughly.  “That’s not all, dammit.  I didn’t come back here for vindication.”

There’s a flash of something her dark eyes.  She looks down to where my hand is fastened to her arm.  Ren tilts her head up proudly and challenges me.  “Then why did you come back?”

I release her arm and stuff my hands back into my pockets where they can’t get into any more trouble.  “I came back because once I knew you, Loren Savage.  The two months I spent with you were the best ones of my life.  I could see clear into your heart and I loved you with all of mine.  I came back not because I want to fuck things up for you or because I want my day in the stupid spotlight.  I came back because I just want you in my life again.  However I can get you.”

She takes a step back and studies me.  I’ve surprised her.  We’ve surprised each other.  Maybe we’re not too far removed from the kids we were after all.

Ren presses her lips together and glances back at the house.  “You know,” she says.  “It’ll be lunch hour soon.  Spence is likely to be back anytime now from delivering a restored Thunderbird to the next county.  The girls and young Mr. Alden are always happy to see anything edible.  And even Monty sits down at a table now and again.”  She pauses, bites a corner of her lip and looks nearly bashful.  “I was thinking about making some barbecued chicken wings.”

“I’ll help you,” I tell her because it was my offer the last time we had this conversation.

The day we met.

She grins.  “You can cook?”

“No.  Teach me.”

“All right, Oz.  I will.”

On the short walk back to the big house I don’t even try to touch her.  For now it’s enough just to walk beside her.

For now.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

REN

Cate Camp was wrong about Gary.  He has apparently decided to take his time about showing up.  Maybe once Oscar returned that was the end of the Born Savages emergency and he just didn’t feel like hauling his cookies out of Los Angeles.  After all, chilling on the coast is probably more pleasant than sweltering in the desert.  Whatever the reason, I think I can safely say that nobody has been yearning for his arrival.

Regardless, this morning we have word that apparently he’s on his way.  We are told to expect him within the hour.  Cate Camp is tearing around here like a bleached lunatic.  The camera crew fuss with their equipment and glance fearfully at the sky, as if they are expecting the lumpy form of Gary Vogel to descend directly on their heads like a turkey vulture.  Everywhere, from the brothel to the church, there is the frantic drumbeat of ‘Gary is coming!’  I hope Atlantis Star can handle it.