It’s not late and I’m not tired but after a little while I duck into my own tent for the night.  I told Steve the truth when I said I want to get out of here early to avoid the masses on the road.  I know what I need to do.  It’s time I really did start fighting for something.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

REN

Cate Camp bangs on the front door at the crack of dawn.  Since I haven’t slept much the past several days I’m awake enough to fling the door open before she manages to disturb the whole house.

“Loren.” She slides right past me without being invited inside.  There are no crew members straggling behind her so she must have driven out here from Consequences alone.  She paces the front room with her teeth sucking loudly on her bottom lip and I get the feeling she’s high on something.

“Come on in,” I say with a dash of irritability.  Cate Camp annoys the crap out of me.  She has been in what I would politely call ‘a state’ ever since she heard that Oscar took off.  Apparently Gary Vogel is displeased with the turn of events and holds her at least partially responsible.  I can’t really muster much sympathy for her career though when my heart is in shreds.

Cate stops pacing and fumbles through her vagina-sized designer wristlet.  She withdraws a black e-cig and starts vaping with a vengeance.  She looks me over and I think I detect a slight frown of disapproval, although with all the collagen she’s pumped into her lips it’s tough to tell.  At any rate I haven’t showered yet today and I’m probably not looking very fetching.

I plunk back down on the leather sofa where I’ve been reading for hours from one of August’s dusty old books, Volcanic Formations of the American Southwest.   It’s captivating stuff.  Either I’ll end up suddenly yearning for a career in geology or I’ll fall asleep.  Win win.

Cate Camp vapes and fidgets and stares out the window with her e-cig pinched between two manicured fingers.

“Today will be the day,” she says fearfully.  “He’s coming today.”

“Who? The anti-Christ? Pardon me while I get dressed then.”

She ignores my sarcasm.  “Gary only travels out for filming if there is a huge setback.   Once the pieces are in place he expects that everything will proceed smoothly.”

I stare down at black and white photos of Sunset Crater.  “That’s interesting.  Is everything not proceeding smoothly?”

Cate Camp shoots me a dirty look.  “Your cousin or whatever the hell he is really fucked things up.  I always thought he was a wild card.  But Gary figured having him here would be useful for dramatic effect.”

Slowly I turn a page.  “Gary was right.  It was dramatic.”

“What happened out there, Loren?  Oz was insufferable about following instructions from the beginning but you had been fairly cooperative.  I’m not oblivious.  I know you’re here reluctantly but you need to remember you have a job to do.”

Slowly I raise my head and look her in the eye.  “It’s not a job to do.  It’s a life to live.”

She merely shrugs.  “Not right now it isn’t.  You have a contractual obligation so spare me the self-righteous talk.” Cate Camp primly returns her e-cig to her vagina purse and gives me a rubbery smile. “And I’ll have you know that we have enough footage to show there was something going on between the two of you.  Looks like it was shaping up into a hell of a story considering your past together.  But this leaves me with a problem.   A story is nothing to an audience without an ending.”

“Oh.  Would you like an ending?”

She practically leaps across the room.  “Yes, I would like an ending!”

“Okay.  It’s not very exciting though.  We argued about whose turn it was to feed the chickens and he, Oz that is, said he was tired of feeding chickens and he was going to return to life as a reclusive mountaineer.”

Cate Camp is angry.  I can tell because the bulbous collagen flaps on her face are quivering.  “That is not what happened.”

Is it sick that I find her distress amusing?  I bat my eyelashes innocently.  “Really?  Funny, that’s how I remember it. I can go in the Blue Room and discuss it in detail for the sake of posterity.”

A sound erupts from her throat.  It sounds like a snarl.  “Gary will have something to say about this.  You can be sure of it.  And if you think you’re saving face here you’re wrong.  We are obliged to edit the content however we please.”

I close the book, feeling oddly detached.  Perhaps I’ve sobbed out all my emotions already.  I press my thumbs against my temples to relieve the building pressure.  “Just go away, Cate. If you want a different ending then make one up.  Oz is gone.  He’s not coming back.  You’ll have to live with it.”

As will I. 

She hisses like a reptile and stalks to the door.  Before she gets there she tosses off a few words that she probably thinks are insulting.  “Go hose yourself off.  You look fucking homeless.”

The door slams.  I close my eyes and concentrate on pressure points to alleviate the looming migraine.  I should go to my room and dig out some of my essential oils.  When I open my eyes again my nephew is standing in the hallway with a drooping diaper and a stuffed monkey.

“Hey, sweetheart.”  I smile and open my arms.  The best thing to come out of these last few weeks has been the opportunity to spend time with him.

Alden gives me a crooked grin and scampers into my arms.  I gather up his warm little body and ask him if he’s hungry.  He nods eagerly and twists my hair around his fingers.

By the time I get the kid changed and settled down with a bowl of oatmeal, I glance at the clock and realize it’s nearly time for the crew to show up for the day.  Spencer is the only one who sleeps less than I do.  He was out and about before the sun even waved hello this morning.  The crew knows by now that bothering Monty before noon is not a good idea.  They are likely to merely lurk around the house for a while, filming Ava and Brigitte drinking coffee and arguing about petty everyday things.

  My sisters have been cutting a wide path around me and for that I’m grateful.  These days I sometimes feel like I’m barely hanging on.  That shouldn’t be.  I’ve lived without Oscar for a long time and of course I can live without him again.

But something happened to me during those brief, burning moments in the desert a few nights ago.  I let myself go, not caring how far we were taking it, not listening to the pitiful begging that came out of my own mouth.

Oscar had me figured out all right.  He knew I was trying to scrub him out for good.  Out of my mind, out of my heart. I wanted him to take it all out on me; the hostility, the bitterness, everything he must have been harboring for the past five years.  I wanted him to make me forget the heartbreak of losing him.  I warned him he needed to make it hurt.

And he did.  My god, he did.  Far more agonizing than any physical pain is the agony of the heart.

“Morning.”  Ava pads into the kitchen, all sleepy-eyed and beautiful with her hair flowing over her shoulders and a simple blue dress hugging her curves.  Alden lights up and runs to her.  She settles him on her hip and pats his back. “What are you doing up so early, baby?”

“He’s been keeping his old aunt company.”

Ava scrutinizes me.  I know she’s worried.  She saw me at my worst once, five years ago.  She saw me cry so hard I couldn’t breathe.  She doesn’t want to see me like that again.   “So what’s going on today, Ren?”

“I don’t know.  I think I’ll do some laundry.  That would probably make a captivating episode.  Oh, and Cate Camp stopped by.  She says Gary might show up.”

“Gary Vogel?”

“I think he’s the only Gary left in this century.”

She gives a short laugh and swings Alden down to the floor.  “Did she say what he wanted?”