Jax doesn’t say anything else and neither do I. There’s nothing to say. I know he’s right. This is real and I have to face it. Deep down I know that I have to do this, I just don’t know how. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed here, I shouldn’t get to say goodbye to them, it’s because of me that they’re dead. After minutes of sitting in the car with my hands clasped in Jax’s, I finally nod.

“It’s time.” I whisper more to myself than him. If he’s surprised at hearing me speak, he doesn’t show it.

My legs feel like Jell-O. Jax supports most of my weight. If it wasn’t for him I would have crumbled to the ground. Logan and Connor walk from the front of the car to where Jax and I are standing.

Logan’s tear-strained face would break me if I wasn’t already dead inside. “I’m ready.”

Logan nods. I cling to him with Jax grasping my free hand as we make our way to our family’s graves. I hate that I’m making them all relive the pain. I wish I was strong enough to say goodbye on my own, but I’m not. I wasn’t even strong enough to save my family.

When Logan told me that our family was dead, I didn’t cry, I haven’t cried a single tear since I woke up in the hospital two weeks after the accident. But when we reach their graves and I see Hadley’s name etched onto her headstone, I lose it. I fall to my knees and bawl my eyes out. I gasp for breath.

The world around me disappears.

All that is left are three graves.

Three lives lost because of me.

“I did this,” I choke out.

Logan crouches beside me to tell me something, but I don’t hear him. I barely see him. I can only see the three headstones.

I cry for everything that I lost.

The mom that I lost . . .

The dad that I lost . . .

My little sister . . .

And finally I cry for myself . . .

The night of the car accident, I died with them. I never made it out whole. Now I’m just a shell of a person. I don’t know how long I stayed like this, kneeling on the ground in front of my sister’s grave, but eventually the world starts to come back into place. I’m still crying, silent tears now, even though inside I’m screaming. The pain is all-consuming.

When I look at my brother, I see how much I have broken him. Connor and Jax are in silent agony, watching our world fall apart and not being able to do anything but witness it, all because of me.

I did this.

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is the stained-glass stars Logan hung above my bed. Jax’s rhythmic strokes through my hair makes it easier to breathe. Even though I’ve been lost in my memories, he didn’t leave. Being wrapped in his arms brings me comfort that I don’t deserve. I feel his lips at the top of my head, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me know that he’s here for me while I relive the past. I squeeze him as tightly as I possibly can, hoping that the nightmares won’t punish me tonight if he’s here.

As I watch my stars twirl on the invisible string, I will myself to relax. Whenever my memories weigh me down, I come here. I can lay here for hours and have the beautiful stars make everything else disappear. It always reminds me of when I would sneak out and lay on my roof and stare at the night sky.

“I love you, Ads,” Jax whispers into my hair.

My chest constricts painfully. How I wish he meant those words in the way I wanted. Without taking my gaze off my stars I whisper, “Love you, too.”

We don’t say anything else to each other for the rest of the night. Jax’s fingers running through my hair lulls me into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

Chapter Four

Life was slowing getting back to normal. I went to work, saw my brother and Connor regularly, and tried to ignore the fact that I haven’t seen or heard from Jax since he left my apartment three weeks ago. It’s getting embarrassing how many times I have attempted to call him, but always hang up before the call goes through. Connor insists that Jax is busy with work, but my gut tells me that he’s avoiding me.

I’m finally able to work-out again, which is good since it occupies my mind for a little while. I have a feeling Jax is avoiding me because of everything that happened. He treated me like I meant more to him again, which of course means avoidance at all cost.

Today I decided to surprise Logan with lunch since I know he’s been working more than usual after taking so much time off to visit. I’m glad that I brought my iPad because my brother is working through lunch so that doesn’t leave a lot of time to talk to him. I don’t mind, of course I know that he’s a busy man, and I couldn’t be more proud of everything that he has accomplished. Trinity, has flourished since the guys started the business in college.

I zone out, thinking about our parents. I’m picking at my pasta without actually eating it when Connor sneaks into Logan’s office and blows into my ear.

“AHHH . . . Holy shit!” I jump out of my chair, spilling pasta all over the floor in the process. I whirl around to an amused Connor.

I’m steaming! I hate that he always scares me. I’m about to rip him a new one when Jax storms into the office, looking like he is going to kill someone. Seeing him brings such a shock to my system that I’m barely aware that I’m blatantly staring at him. I have no idea what I was about to say to Connor.

Jax comes to an abrupt halt when he sees that I’m the reason for the obnoxious scream. Time seems to stop. Everything evaporates and the only thing that is left is Jax and me. The need to touch him is so powerful that my hand shakes from the sheer force of keeping it at my side and not reaching out.

Connor clears his throat, jarring me out of the trance. Logan types away at his computer, thankfully missing the encounter. It isn’t until Logan notices the silence that his head snaps up.

“What’s going on?” He studies the three of us.

Jax bumps his shoulder against mine, in a friendly way. “Ads is mad because she’s a sore loser and I beat her at poker when I stayed at her house.” He shrugs, smoothly lying. “I think she learned her poker skills from you.”

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Logan engages Connor in a discussion over a new technology prototype they are considering purchasing. I can’t help but stare at Jax as if I’m seeing him for the first time. I’ve witnessed him lying before in the past, daily, but there’s something about this time. Usually I can always tell when he’s lying. This time, I can’t. If I wasn’t there, then I would believe him. Have I always been oblivious when it comes to him? Has he always been able to lie so effortlessly and I just now noticed? What else is he hiding?

I sit down on the leather sofa and attempt to ignore Jax. I can feel him watching my every move, making it impossible to ignore him. He shifts his feet as if he’s trying to decide if he should leave or say something to me. My money is on him leaving. That’s what he does best. Leave. Whenever we get close to each other, Jax disappears. Always.

Jax startles me when he answers whatever question my brother just asked and sits next to me. I’m the only one that notices when his finger grazes my pinky. Sadly I notice everything that Jax does.

Jax rearranges himself in his seat so that he’s facing me. I focus on a black and white picture across from us as if it’s the most interesting photograph in the world. After a few more agonizing minutes of Jax silently studying me, I finally give up.

After glancing at my brother and Connor to make sure they are still engrossed in conversation, I focus on Jax. “Are you going to just stare at me or do you actually have something to say?”