An hour and a half later, I have Jax —who is covered in flour— pull out the cupcakes. He sets them in the cooling area as I directed. He’s the perfect assistant. Perfect as in, drops everything and makes a mess. Weird, since he usually has such steady hands. I won’t allow myself to think it has to do with me. As hard as it is to not become lost in the moment with him, I hold myself back.

The frosting is suddenly the most important thing in the world to me right now. I dip in a tasting spoon. Just a little more vanilla and it’s perfect. As I drizzle in the vanilla, Jax’s long finger swipes at the frosting. I slap his hand away.

“It’s not like this is going out there!” He licks the frosting off his finger.

“It was before you did that!” I can’t even pretend to be angry with him. Said too soon. My tongue seeks out the frosting that is falling off my nose. “Really, Jax? What are you, three?”

I’m struck speechless as his tongue cleans up the mess on my nose that he created. Jax looks from my eyes to my mouth, causing me to chew my lower lip. He lets out the most erotic growl from the back of his throat that I feel all the way to my toes. I suck in a breath and stay as still as possible. I’m not even breathing while Jax caresses my check with his frosted finger tips. Leaning into his touch, I close my eyes and welcome the sensations he brings me by just this simple act.

I want to pretend that I can be happy for once, that my memories don’t haunt me. I want to cherish this moment with him. I want to let go of my past more than anything for this one moment. Deciding that I’m going to allow myself some freedom from my demons, I open my eyes, ready to give myself over to him.

I don’t know who leans in first, but suddenly we are as close as possible without melting into each other. Forehead-to-forehead, nose-to-nose, breathing each other’s air, we stare into one another eyes. After several seconds without moving, Jax finally makes the next move.

It’s as if he can’t hold back anymore, either. He kisses me so quickly that I don’t even notice he’s making a move until his lips are on mine. All too soon, he’s gone.

Even though I could feel his urgency in the kiss, it was surprisingly soft. So soft that if I wasn’t watching him, I would have never known that he kissed me. I need more, that barely-there kiss isn’t good enough. Of course it was perfect, I doubt that Jax can do anything that isn’t perfect, but I need more to relieve this tension building inside of me. I lean into him again, but Jax shakes his head, face full of regret.

If I was someone else, someone that wasn’t able to shut off their feelings at will, then the ways he’s rejecting me now would kill me. Thankfully the second I see the guilt on his face, I shut down. I’m not even surprised that he’s feeling guilty, that he doesn’t want me. Who would?

I’m broken.

I will never be good enough for Jax.

Jax surprises me again by bestowing that beautiful smile of his and giving me another quick kiss on the lips. Then he seizes his phone from the front pocket of his jeans. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t even hear it ringing. That’s something that always happens when Jax is staring into my eyes. The world disappears whenever he’s near, making it nearly impossible to remember why we shouldn’t be doing this.

Jax’s body goes rigid when he sees who’s calling him. I know that whoever it is has ruined our moment. Rubbing his hands across his face, he lets out a deep breath before sliding his finger over the screen.

“Yeah, Logan.”

And just like that, an entire bucket of ice is poured over me. Hearing my brother’s voice on the other end of the phone certainly puts a stop on anything that was about to happen. Which I’m thankful for as Sam could have walked in here at any second.

“No, she’s fine, man. Of course.”

I pull the first tray of carrot cake cupcakes towards me. I concentrate on frosting them as Jax talks to my brother. I try to put distance between us, but it’s impossible with his hand on my thigh. With him touching me, the white walls seem to be closing in. There’s not enough air. Every breath I breathe is full of Jax’s woodsy scent. It’s torture.

“I don’t know, I don’t think she has it on her, let me check.” He turns to wipes the last dab of frosting off my cheek. “Phone in your room?”

I glance at the phone on the counter in front of us. I’m about to point to it, but then I realize what he’s doing. He’s covering for me. With all the emotions swirling in my head, I don’t trust myself to speak, so I nod.

I ignore the cupcake in my hand and study Jax as he speaks to my brother. I can’t believe he’s lying to my brother for me. Wow. I’m speechless.

“Yeah, I knew they were going to try to do that. Handle it and have everything sent over to Peter.” He bends down and bites the barely frosted cupcake that I’m working on.

My attention is once again brought to the cupcakes. I avoid listening to the rasp in his voice and focus on my next task. Frosting the bunny ears is my favorite part. I used to put them on the cupcakes I made Jax because of The Velveteen Rabbit, his favorite book when we were children.

I attempt to reach for the light brown frosting that Jax made, but he beats me to it. He slides the bowl into my waiting hands. As our fingers touch, I think it’s an accident until he grips mine for a second, letting me know it was intentional. That simple graze of our fingers sets a fire within me. My mind wanders as I scoop brown frosting from the bowl and into the vinyl decorating bag.

Is it possible for Jax to still view me as more than Logan’s little sister? Maybe after all these years, we have a chance. I shake that outrageous idea out of my head. It doesn’t matter how he sees me. I won’t let anything happen. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves everything.

I lick my upper lip as I concentrate on creating the ears just right. I bite my cheek to keep from smiling. It’s just bunny ears, not the Mona Lisa, but I still can’t help beaming when Jax gives me his winning grin.

“Of course, man, I’ll work from here until you’re back. I understand . . . I know. Okay, see you in a few days.”

Jax hands his phone over to me. Reluctantly, I press it to my ear.

“Hey.” I can’t seem to say anything else because I’m watching Jax butcher the next cupcake.

Cupcake-decorating is not a skill he’s mastered.

Logan’s voice jolts me back from the happiness swelling inside me. “Adalynn?”

“What? I’m sorry Logan I dropped the phone,” I say lamely.

“I just want to make sure you’re doing okay with everything. I worry about you when I’m gone.”

“Logan, it’s just a sprained ankle, I’ve suffered from a lot worse over the years. You don’t need to worry.”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about, Addie.”

“Yeah I know, I was just trying to make you feel better. I. AM. FINE.” I enunciate each word so that he knows that I mean it.

When he doesn’t say anything for awhile, I pull the phone away from my ear to make sure I didn’t accidentally hang up. Wouldn’t be the first time.

“I just worry about you, Addie, you’re all I have left.”

I know that Logan doesn’t tell me this to make me feel bad, but I can’t help feeling worthless regardless. Our family is dead because of me. I don’t need the reminder, it’s not something that I can easily forget.

I choke out, “I know,” before my throat starts to close.

I know that Logan can hear the pain in my voice because he curses. “That’s not what I meant, Addie, and you know it!”

Swallowing a few times, I force myself to breathe deeply and let it out slowly. “I know, Logan, it’s fine, it’s the truth.” He tries to interrupt me, but I cut him off. “Look I just took my meds and I’m really tired. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

Please just let me off the phone, Logan, I can’t handle this right now.