Without Ethan, there was no love. I wasn’t complete. I was broken and incapable of continuing living life as freely and as fully as I had for the last several months. For my life and my love to be able to thrive, I desperately needed Ethan to come back into our lives and make things whole again.

I needed him to complete the chain.

Cade was nothing short of a disaster, and after taking the Monday following our return off of work, he returned to work on Tuesday, only to take the remaining days of the week off, claiming deep depression as the reason. We considered going back to Denver to visit, but we were both such emotional wrecks we felt his mother would have us committed to an insane asylum.

Now simply attempting to make sense of it all, we dragged through each day weighted down by the sorrow of losing a man we both loved desperately.

“I thought the enchiladas would make us feel better, but I can’t even eat them,” Cade complained as he pushed his plate to the center of the table.

“Me neither. Reminds me of him and his brother,” I said as I stirred my fork through the Spanish rice.

“And it reminds me of how much he cared for you,” I continued, “He picked you because he didn’t want you to get hurt. Now this...”

I pushed my plate aside and began to cry. As the tears fell from my chin and onto the table, I stared down at them knowing nothing would ever make this situation any better.

Only Ethan.

I glanced up, wiped my eyes and tried to decide how to continue living life. As I gazed into Ethan’s empty room, I remembered once again the night we talked until the sun came up.

Where are you, you big prick?

Come on, tell me something.

I searched my mind for clues, trying to remember what, if anything, he had told me about what he liked, where he wanted to spend time, or what he wanted to do with his life. He said he had never been out of this shit-hole state, I remembered that.

And he wanted to one day have his own bike shop - where it was warm.

I rubbed my eyes and stared into the room.

And it came to me.

I grinned and turned toward Cade. His face buried in his hands, he was softly crying.

I cleared my throat and tapped Cade on the shoulder. “I know where he is. Well, I think I do.”

“Where?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is this. You and I. We’ve got to be willing to make changes and a huge commitment. I guess along with it, there’s a big risk,” I said.

“What do you mean?” he asked as he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.

I turned my chair to the side slightly and bit my lower lip for a moment while I thought. As I released my lip, I widened my eyes and began my explanation, “We’re going to have to load up everything we own, quit our jobs, and move half way across the United States. If I’m right, I guess it’ll be the beginning of a new life. If I’m wrong, we’re going to be jobless, and stuck on the other side of the nation.”

“You really think he’s where you think he is?” he asked.

I nodded my head eagerly.

“Talk to Trent. I’ll call in and quit tomorrow,” he said.

It was that simple. I knew at that moment this was meant to be, and everything did happen for a reason. Cade didn’t even have to consider it. He needed Ethan in his life as much as I did, and not having him was killing us both. His immediate response was all I needed to hear.

“It’s going to be sad leaving Trent, but I can’t do anything else,” I said as I stood.

I leaned over and kissed Cade softly. After studying him for moment, I stood and grinned, “I’m going to go down there now.”

“And I’m going to pack when I get home,” I said as I walked to the door.

“I hope you’re right,” Cade said over his shoulder as I opened the door.

As I stepped through the door I felt a sharp tug at my heart.

And it came from the west.

RAIN

Living my life, from the lowest of the lows to the height I had been recently been raised to, left me feeling blessed. The elevation of the cloud I was floating on wasn’t so much a result of having things like a roof over my head and clean clothes, but more from the people in my life who had blessed me with their love and friendship.

Trent sat at the table sipping his tea. His eyes were fixed on the center of the table, but seemed unfocused. After a moment of silence, he closed his eyes. I sat holding my cup of tea, feeling guilty for leaving him, but excited all the while about the possibility of finding Ethan.

Still facing the table, he began to speak softly, “Leaving one man who loves you deeply to find another man who loves you even more.”

He situated the cup of tea in front of him and lifted his hand to his face as he glanced up. As he wiped the tears from his face, I began to cry. In leaving Trent I was sacrificing so much more than a job. I was losing a dear friend, a person I had grown to love, and walking away from one of the best feelings I had ever been blessed with. Taking care of Trent provided me with a feeling of accomplishment, and the gift of knowing I was providing someone with something they desperately needed but wouldn’t be able to acquire without my assistance. In short, Trent had become my fatherly figure and my child all at the same time.

“After you let me read the letter, I knew it was a matter of time,” he said as blew his nose into his handkerchief.

“I’m sorry,” I blubbered as I stood.

“Don’t be. I want this more than you do, I really do. Rain, the love you’ve been blessed with happens once in a lifetime for a very select few people. Understand not everyone is as fortunate as you,” he paused and shook his head, “And what you said about the tugging at your heart? Let me see…”

As I stood a few feet from him biting my quivering lip, he gazed up at the ceiling. After a short hesitation, he wheeled his chair from the table and opened his arms, “All we have to do is walk away. True love tugs at our heart until we return.”

Now a full blown blubbering mess, I leaned over and hugged him. Eventually, as I had a few times during the previous week, I ended up on his lap in the wheelchair with him as he held me in his arms. As my tears soaked the front of his shirt, he rubbed my back and rested his head on my shoulder.

After a few minutes my crying stopped. As I fought to find my breath, he swept the hair from my face and inhaled a slow breath.

“Rain, you’re a remarkable woman. To think I’ll never see you again isn’t something I can quite come to terms with. You’ve filled a space inside of me I didn’t even know was empty. I’m not going to say something ridiculous like keep in touch, but I do want to say this…” as he paused, I lifted my head from his shirt and gazed into his eyes.

“I’ve got more money than I’ll ever spend. I don’t want to argue with you about this, and don’t disgrace me by saying no to my request. This isn’t an offer, it’s a request. I need you to do something for me,” he said.

“Okay,” I sighed.

“When you get where you’re going, and everything’s settled, let me know. Additionally, keep me up to date with letters, emails, and photos. You have all of my information, so staying in touch will be simple. But lastly, and you must promise,” he raised his eyebrows slightly as he studied my face.

I nodded my head.

“You’re going to come visit me. I’ll purchase your airline tickets. If you prefer, I’ll fly all three of you back here, but I’ll need you to come see me from time to time, okay?”

Incapable of speaking, I simply nodded my head and began to softly cry.

“I can’t imagine living…” he released my back and raised his hand to his face.

After wiping the tears from his face, he inhaled a breath through his nose, and continued, “I can’t…I can’t imagine living a life without you in it.”