I wanted to punch myself in the face right now. Anything to keep the tears at bay. I’d lectured myself so many times last night not to cry when he left, but it was getting harder and harder with each step we took toward him leaving. He didn’t need to see me panicking and blubbering as he walked away.

He needed to see me standing there—strong and steady and sure. When he left, I could break down, but not a second before.

I straightened my shoulders and thought of anything I could think of besides the fact that my heart was being ripped out of my chest. My upcoming flight home. The lasagna last night. The way he’d held me all night long as if he didn’t want to let go…

No. I shouldn’t think of that.

Bad idea.

I followed him out the door, staring straight ahead and not meeting him in the eye. If I looked at him and he looked sad, I’d lose it. A black government-looking vehicle sat by the curb, right behind my car, its hazard lights flashing. That must be the car that would take him away to…wherever he was going.

I wasn’t allowed to know. Stupid, stupid rules.

As we climbed down the stairs, each step felt heavier. Longer. Because each step we took would take us to that car that would spirit Finn away. I hated that freaking car with a passion. It represented everything I couldn’t deal with right now.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and Finn set his suitcase on its wheels, then reached for my hand. I clung to it, knowing it was the last time I’d be able to do so until next year. He was my person. My rock.

What was I going to do without him here?

“You hanging in there, Ginger?” he asked, watching me with a furrowed brow. “If you want to go back up, it might be easier. Saying goodbye is never easy.”

“It’s not goodbye,” I reminded him, smiling through the pain. “It’s see ya later.”

“Right,” he said, his voice coming out rough. Oh God, if he cracked, I’d freaking lose it. Like, the nuclear warfare level of losing it. “I knew that.”

We stopped at the side of the car and the trunk popped open. Finn wheeled his suitcase to the back and put it inside, then held his hand out for his laptop bag. I handed it off to him, our fingers brushing. He set the bag inside and shut the trunk with a clunk.

The sun was just starting to lighten the sky with tiny little tendrils of grayish-pink, and the birds around us were silent—still sleeping in their nests. It was just us and the guy in the car. And we…

We were out of time.

I held my arms open, and he closed me in his embrace, hugging me so tight he might have cracked a rib. I didn’t care. He could take the freaking thing with him as long as he came home safe and sound. I cupped his cheeks and kissed him hard, squeezing my eyes shut so I didn’t cry.

Not yet. Not now…

He pulled back and looked down at me, his bright blue eyes grave. Gone was the dancing blue eyes I loved so much. He looked sad, scared, and alone.

“Hey, none of that,” I said, using his own words back on him. “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back, and it’ll be over before we know it.” I looked down at my hands on him, willing them to let go. To let him go. But my fists tightened on his shirt even as I told myself I had to do it. “Stay safe and write to me as much as possible, okay? And Skype if you can.”

“I promise,” he whispered, kissing me one last time. “See ya later, Ginger.”

I forced a smile and let go. As he walked away, I wrapped my arms around myself and smiled at him so big that my cheeks were about to fall off. When he got to the car and opened the door, he looked back at me one more time.

I widened my smile even more and called out, “Hey, look. The sun’s about to shine.”

“Yeah.” He looked up at the sky and let out a small laugh. “Yeah, it is.”

With one last look at me, he got in the car and shut the door. The guy driving waited all of two-point-two seconds before he pulled away from the curb. A few seconds later, the car turned around the corner…and my Finn was gone.

As if in a trance, I turned around and walked back up the steps to his apartment. I’d go home later this morning, but right now I needed to be here. With him. Even if he wasn’t here, it still smelled like him and his stuff was here and I needed to be, too.

I walked inside, shut the door behind me, and walked to his bed, my eyes barely blinking. As I passed the closet, I bent over and picked up one of his dirty shirts from the floor. Finn never left dirty shirts laying around, so it was like a bonus find. I held it to my face, breathed in deeply, and fell back into the bed.

I rolled onto my side, but on his side of the bed because I swore I could feel him there, his shirt pressed to my face. He was gone. Actually, truly gone. What was I going to do without him here, teasing me and loving me?

And now that he was gone, I could finally break down and feel the things that had been trying to kill me since he told me he was leaving.

Fear. Anger. Resentment. Fear. Love. Sadness. Fear.

It all crashed down on me, hard and fast, and I burst into tears. The pain and numbness—yeah, I knew that didn’t make any sense—spread from my heart on out, slowly taking over my legs and arms. Even my fingers and my toes. I couldn’t feel anything except the absence of Finn, and the fear he wouldn’t come home.

I clung to Finn’s shirt as if it alone had the power to make me feel better. It didn’t. The only thing that would make me feel better was Finn, and he was gone. Just…gone.

What was I supposed to do with that?

A few days later, someone knocked on my dorm door, and I put my history book aside, climbed out of bed, and answered it. Marie wasn’t here, and I was catching up on some studying I’d been severely behind on lately. I had been missing Finn and crying myself to sleep.

It was the weekend, and I’d been dragging myself around with less than an hour of sleep per night for almost a week. Tonight I might break down and take a Nyquil or something that would knock me flat on my back. This no-sleep stuff was for the birds.

But first, I had to open the door.

I yawned, covering my mouth, and swung the door open. As soon as I could see who stood in the hallway, I cringed inwardly. It was Cory. He smiled at me and smoothed his light blue polo. “Hey, Carrie.”

“Oh.” I forced a smile. “Hey.”

“We haven’t talked in a while, so I thought I’d stop by.” He paused. “Can I come in?”

I hesitated. Cory was harmless and all, but it felt wrong to invite him in when Finn wasn’t here. “I don’t know. I’m kind of a mess right now.”

“You look fine to me.” He looked me up and down, taking in my gray sweatpants and pink T-shirt. “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

That’s because I was upset. Finn was gone. “It’s been a rough couple of days.” I stepped out of the way and let him in. “You can stay if you want, but I’m just studying. Nothing too exciting.”

“Want to study and eat?” He looked at my open book, then at my bed. “You look like you could use a good meal. Or we could go do something fun for a change.”

I stood in front of my bed. Should I sit down on it, or would that be weird? “I already ate. And I told you, I have to study.”

“When’s the last time you did something besides hang out with your boyfriend or study?” Cory asked. “I never see you around anymore. You don’t go to parties or mixers. Don’t hang out with any of us. It’s like you don’t exist.”

I smoothed my hair self-consciously. Marie had been telling me I needed to go out and socialize, too, but I hadn’t been in the mood. Was that so bad? What if Finn called when I was out? Or if he emailed me and…