“Okay, okay, so can I go?” I asked, knowing I would never hear the end of it, but past caring.

“Of course you can. But can I just say one thing?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

“Like I could stop you,” I grumbled.

“You couldn’t, actually. All I ask is that you have a good time, play hard, but take care of him while you’re there, okay?” she asked, her face taking on a seriousness I rarely saw.

“Take care of him? What is he, seven?” I laughed, stifling it immediately when I saw she was not kidding.

“Caroline, this trip will change things. You must know that. And I love you both. I don’t want either of you to get hurt, no matter what transpires while you’re there,” she said softly. I started to make a joke, but I stopped. I knew what she was asking.

“Jill ian, I don’t know quite what’s going on between Simon and me, and I’ve no idea what’s going to happen in Spain. But I can tell you, I’m excited about this trip. And I get the sense he is too,” I added.

“Oh, my dear, he’s definitely excited. Just…Oh, never mind. You’re both adults. Go crazy on each other in Spain.”

“First you tell me to be gentle, and now you tell me to go crazy?” I grumbled.

She reached across the desk to pat my hand affectionately. Then she took a deep breath and changed the mood in the room entirely. “Now then, fill me in on where we stand with James Brown. What’s left to be done?” I smiled and flipped my planner open to the end of the week, when I would be finished with All Things James Brown.

A few nights later I was settling into my couch comfortably with Mr. Clive and Barefoot Contessa when I heard something in the hallway. Clive and I looked at each other, and he jumped off my lap to investigate. I knew Simon wasn’t due home for another day or so based on his texts—and the fact that I might have been counting the days—so I followed Clive to my old post: The Peephole.

As I peered out into the hallway, there was a flash of strawberry-blond hair at Simon’s door. Who was visiting Simon? Was I wrong to stare?

What was that package she had? The woman the hair belonged to knocked once, then twice, and then before I knew it, she whirled about and looked directly at my door, curiously staring at my peephole. Not accustomed to anyone staring at my peephole, I froze, eyes unblinking as she appraised my door. She crossed the tiny landing, and rapped soundly on my door. Surprised, I jumped back a little, bumping into my umbrel a stand and letting her know there was, in fact, someone home. I turned my face to the side and shouted, “Coming!” Then I proceeded to walk in place as though I was headed for the door. Clive looked on with interest, tossing his head and assuring me I was not nearly as clever as I thought I was.

I made a great noise of clicking the locks, and then opened the door.

We appraised each other instantly, in the way that women do. She was tall and beautiful in a cold, patrician way. She wore a black suit, severely cut and buttoned up to the collar. Her strawberry blond hair was twisted and pinned back, although one solitary piece had marched away from her sisters and now hung in her face. She pushed it back behind her ear. Her cherry red lips pursed as she finished looking me over and offered a thin smile.

“Caroline, yes?” she asked, a solidly British accent piercing the air as clearly as her attitude. I already knew I didn’t care for this woman.

“Yes, can I help you?” I suddenly felt underdressed in my Garfield boxers and tank top. I shifted my weight from one leg to the other, feet clad in giant socks. I shifted my weight again, realizing I probably looked like I had to pee. I also realized at the same time that this woman made me nervous, and I had no idea why. I straightened up immediately, putting my game face on. This all took place in less than five seconds, a lifetime in the world of Woman Figuring Out The Other Woman.

“I need to drop this off for Simon, and he mentioned that if he wasn’t at home to leave it at the flat across from his, that Caroline would take care of it for him. You’re Caroline, so here you go, I suppose,” she finished, thrusting a cardboard box at me. I took it, taking my eyes off of hers for a moment.

“What does he think I am, a mailbox?” I muttered, setting it on the table just inside the door and turning back to the woman.

“May I tell him who dropped this off, or will he know?” I asked. She was still looking me over as though I were a great puzzle.

“Oh, he’ll know,” she answered, her cool tone sounding musical but clipped at the same time. As an American, I’ll admit I am always fascinated by a British accent, but could do without this particular side of superiority.

“Okay, well …I’ll make sure he gets it.” I nodded, leaning my hand on the door. I closed it ever so slightly, but she didn’t move.

“Is there anything else?” I asked. I could hear Ina working on her shortbread in the other room, and I didn’t want to miss any KitchenAid porn.

“No, nothing else,” she replied, still making no move.

“Okay, then, have a good night,” I said, almost making it a question as I started to close the door. Just as I did, she stepped forward enough so I was forced to catch the door before it hit her.

“Yes?” I asked, my irritation beginning to show through. This Limey was stopping me from seeing the completion of the pecan squares I’d been waiting for all episode.

“I just, well, I’m really glad to have met you,” she answered, her eyes finally softening and a hint of a smile breaking through her façade. “And

you really are quite lovely,” she added. I stared back at her. Her voice sounded oddly familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

“Um, okay, thank you?” I answered as she started for the stairwell. Her heel caught just slightly, and she stumbled a little. As I closed the door, she began to giggle as she worked her shoe loose. That’s when I realized who’d just visited.

My eyes widened, I’m sure to the size of dahlias, and I hurled the door back open. I gaped at her, and her face broke open into the widest cheeky grin. She winked as I blushed. I’d been present for some of this lady’s greatest moments.

She wiggled her fingers at me and disappeared down the stairs. Clive brought me back from my stupor by nipping me on the calf, and I closed the door.

I sat on my couch, pecan squares all but forgotten as my brain processed everything.

The Giggler had said I was lovely.

She basically told me Simon had told her I was lovely.

Simon thought I was lovely.

Was the Giggler out of the harem?

Was there even a harem left?

What did this mean?

Would I only think in questions now?

And if so, who is Eric Cartman’s father?

Text between Simon and Caroline:

What are you doing?

What are YOU doing?

I asked you first.

You sure did.

Waiting…

Me too…

Jesus you’re stubborn. I’m driving back from LA. Happy now?

Yes, thank you. I’m baking pumpkin bread.

It’s a good thing I’m at a gas station right now and not driving or I would have a hard time keeping the car on the road…

Right, the baking gets you worked up, doesn’t it?

You have no idea.

So I probably shouldn’t tell you I smell like

cinnamon and ginger right now?

Caroline.

My raisins are soaking in brandy this very minute.

That’s it…

I peered out the window again, scanning the street below, and still no sign of the Rover. The fog was quite thick, and although I didn’t want to be a nag, I was becoming a little concerned that he wasn’t home yet. Here I sat, with cooling loaves, and no Simon had shown up to inhale them. I picked up my phone to text him, but then called instead. I didn’t want him texting while he was on the road. It rang a few times, and then he picked up.