“Fine. Whatever.” Resting his hands on his hips, he glances around the darkened kitchen. The only light on is the one over the sink. He’s frustrated, I can tell. I know him almost as well as I know myself, though I would never have figured he’d react to my secret like this.

Maybe I was foolish to believe he would be more understanding. Maybe it has something to do with the way he found out and not the actual information itself. I should have been the one who told him and I didn’t. Someone else beat me to the punch.

I’m at a loss, though, unsure how to explain myself.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all the dirty details.” A shudder moves through me, and his eyes narrow. “Not that there are many dirty details . . .” My voice trails off. I’m trying to defuse the situation and not doing a very good job of it.

“Did you sleep with men for money?” He asks the question so quietly, so suddenly, I need to grip the counter tighter for fear I’ll slither to the floor. My knees are reduced to jelly by his words, by the look on his face. I wish I could just disappear and forget all of this ever happened.

“What are you talking about?” I whisper, trying to stall. Desperate to stall. I can’t lie to him. I have to tell him the truth or I’d never forgive myself. He wouldn’t believe me if I denied it anyway. He’s already made his assumptions and I’m living up to them.

“Answer me.” He raises his voice, the sound sending goose bumps scattering over my arms, and I part my lips. No sound comes out.

I can’t deny it because it’s true.

“Did you?” he asks again, his voice rough, his eyes full of agony as he storms toward me. He grabs me by my upper arms, his hold firm as he gives me a little shake. “Tell me, God damn it! Did you, Jen?”

I jump when he yells at me, wincing at the fury behind his words. Tears fill my eyes, momentarily blinding me, and then they’re flowing down my cheeks, dropping from my face onto the floor. “Yes,” I sob, my chest threatening to burst. “I did, okay? Is that what you want to hear? That I fucked around with other men and they paid me?”

His eyes go wide and I swear they shimmer with tears. Actual freaking tears, and I’ve never seen this man cry beyond the dry sobs in his dreams.

But are those tears for me? Or for the fact that he failed me and broke his promise to my brother? To my family? “God Jen, I can’t believe . . . why? Why the hell would you do that? What would your parents think? Or Danny?”

Tearing myself out of his hold, I back away from him, shaking my head. “Don’t put all that guilt on me. I do that well enough on my own, trust me.”

“You know you could’ve called them. They would’ve helped you. You’re their daughter.” He stresses the last word, and that only pisses me off further.

“Give me a break! They forgot all about me once Danny died. So wrapped up in their grief, he was all they could talk about. You’re the same way, with your nightmares about him. He’s always hovering in everyone’s mind, and I get it. He’s in mine, too. But he’s gone. We have to keep on living,” I cry, wondering how my speech changed track.

“So by living, does that mean you go out doing whatever the hell you want and getting paid for it?”

His words are like a slap in the face. I rear back, my cheeks stinging with embarrassment. He immediately realizes his mistake and starts toward me, but I shake my head, my body vibrating with anger.

“Jen, I’m sorry,” he starts to say, but I hold up my hand, silencing him.

“Save it. You’ll never understand. No one would. I shouldn’t have to defend myself. I was all alone and no one could’ve saved me. I had nothing.” I start to leave the kitchen, ready to make my escape into my bedroom where I can have a good cry. And after I cry, I’ll start to pack.

No way can I stay here beyond one more night. This arrangement is over.

“You always had me. Always. I saved you,” he reminds me as I exit the room. Pausing, I keep my back to him, waiting for him to say more, which he does. “And I would’ve come in and saved you sooner if you’d called me. I’d do anything for you, Jen. Remember?”

“Can you forget what I’ve done?” I slowly turn to face him, scared of what I might find. But I’m facing a blank, expressionless mask.

He blinks once. Twice. The only physical reaction I can see. “I don’t know,” he says truthfully.

Whoever said the truth hurts was dead on. But it’s beyond hurting. It’s like a million knives carving into my chest, tearing my heart completely apart.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put it back together.

Chapter 21

Colin

It feels like I’m being taken to the gallows, ready to meet my maker. I’m facing him now, my head bent, my body shaking. He towers over me on a pedestal, his face in shadows.

“You disappointed me,” he says, his voice eerily familiar.

I can only offer a small nod, too frightened to speak. I’ve never been more scared in all my life. It’s one thing to know you won’t live forever. It’s quite another to face your mortality and know it’s over.

“You haven’t lived your life like I expected you to.” He pauses, his breathing heavy, the mood, the darkness that surrounds us, foreboding. “You failed so many people.”

“I know.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat. I feel like I’m seven years old again. Facing the facts that my dad doesn’t care about me and that my mom is bitter and angry all the time. That I have no one in my life who is pure and good, with the exception of Danny and Jenny.

I love them like they’re my own family. And I failed them both. I know who this mystery demon is referring to. I don’t need the reminder.

“Look at me,” the voice commands and I glance up, surprise rendering me completely still when he sheds his hood and reveals that it’s Danny who’s standing before me. “You let me down. Then you let my sister down.”

I was so scared, and all along it’s just been Danny standing there. Trying to intimidate me and make me feel bad. For the first time since I can remember, I’m angry. Furious that he’s trying to blame me for everything.

Is it really all my fault? Have I been wrong all this time, carrying the guilt around like a shackle around my neck, constantly weighing me down?

“You weren’t supposed to sign up for the Marines without me,” I point out to him indignantly. We were supposed to do it together. We’d planned it all out, set up a meeting time and everything.

Then my dad showed up, offering me the opportunity I knew would change my life. I’d been so excited to tell Danny, to include him in my good news. We could run the restaurant in Southern California together. Finally we would be able to leave that crap town, have all the women we could ever want, and find success.

Instead, I discovered that he went ahead and signed up without me. No way was I going now. He was furious with me. Disappointed that I wouldn’t go with him.

And then he went away and ended up dead.

“I did what I had to do,” he says solemnly, his expression hard. Completely unreadable. Though his features are the same, he looks nothing like my best friend. The friend I still miss terribly.

“So stop blaming me for your death,” I say, my voice rising.

“Stop blaming yourself,” he returns. Sighing heavily, his gaze narrows as he studies me, his eyes so dark they almost appear black. “It’s not your fault, what Jenny did.”

He called her Jenny. I feel like we’re teenagers again, taunting her with the nickname she one day out of the blue deemed childish and silly. We kept calling her Jenny for a solid year just to aggravate her, until their mother finally stepped in and asked us to stop.