“Whatever happened between him and your mom is between them. You can still have a relationship with him.”

“Oh, like your relationship with your dad?”

“Things with my dad are different, Sarah. He blames me for my brother’s death and used me as a punching bag.” It wasn’t fair to ask her to do something that I wasn’t willing to do myself, and I honestly am scared that he won’t want to see me. It is hard to put yourself out there for someone and be rejected.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just saying time can change things. You never know.”

“Maybe you’re right. If I could talk to him man-to-man, I might be able to put some of this shit behind me. You could do the same, you know?” The thought of being able to move past what had happened seemed like a dream. My father and I couldn’t make up the years we lost, but it would be nice to have a family again.

She sighed loudly as hers eyes darted everywhere but to mine. “He left with the neighbor lady and never looked back. It doesn’t even matter. I have Derek.”

I struggled against asking again why she was telling me all of her secrets and not him, but I didn’t want to hurt her more.

“If he is what makes you happy, then I am happy for you, Sarah.” I couldn’t bring myself to let go of her hand even though the contact was becoming almost painful. “But I think you should tell him about what you went through.”

“I can’t. He wouldn’t understand.”

 “If he loves you, he would.”

She looked over at me again and I knew she could see what I was feeling written all over my face.

Chapter Twenty

SARAH

I HAD THOUGHT ABOUT telling Derek about my childhood a million times, but I always just assumed it would cause him to run. I wanted to believe that it would just be too much for him to handle, but deep down I often wondered if he did really love me. It scared the shit out of me that I was able to open up to E, something I could never do with Derek. E said himself if Derek loved me, he would react the same way E had, and I wanted to know how much E really cared for me. He didn’t judge me, didn’t try to pull away. He just listened.

“You understand . . .” An unasked question was in my words.

E nodded, his free hand running over my cheek and trailing over my jaw. “I do.”

My heart thudded in my chest as the pad of his thumb ran over my lower lip. I felt my body leaning toward him as his gaze dipped to my mouth and back to my eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes falling closed as mine did.

I felt emotionally exhausted. Spilling my secrets had been too much. “What are you thinking?” I whispered.

“You don’t want to know.” He laughed and shook his head.

I smacked him on the arm and pulled back from him. “You are such a perv.”

“I don’t get many complaints,” he joked, and suddenly I remembered. He was with Donna. All of a sudden, I’d never felt so exposed to anyone.

I was struggling not to let myself give in to what I was feeling. Every time he touched me, his fingers brushed against me, it ignited a fire inside me that spread clear down to my toes. I had never felt that with anyone before; my fear and guilt from my past had usually drowned out any other feelings for anyone.

“I’ve missed you.” The confession slipped out as I stared into his sad blue eyes. The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile, revealing one of his dimples. His arms slipped around my neck and he pulled me to him. I didn’t try to pull away.

“Is this okay?” he whispered into my hair as he hugged me. I could only nod because the feeling of him pressed against my body was overwhelming. I spread my fingers out over his sides, sighing as my palms flattened on the straining muscles of his back. “You have no idea how much I missed you, Sarah. So much.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled the unmistakable scent of E, Polo Sport and whiskey, as his chest rose and fell quickly against mine. I could feel his heart hammering in his chest in time with mine.

“Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you? I’ve been dying to pull you into my arms since the wedding.” His voice broke as he whispered his confession.

“You can’t say things like that.” The guilt of what I was feeling was killing me inside, but I didn’t have the strength to pull back from him. For a brief moment I was released from my cage.

“I’m sorry.” His lips moved against my cheek. He slowly pulled his body away from mine, and I immediately regretted what I’d said.

Without thinking I put my leg over his lap so I was straddling him. He groaned at the more intimate contact. I rested my forehead on his and my mouth fell open as my breathing increased. He never made a move to kiss me, but somehow this felt more intimate.

We sat perfectly still like this, enjoying the high of being so close. I could feel how much he wanted me as he pressed against my center. I brought my hands to his chest and placed my hand over his heart as it thumped against my fingertips. His hands moved up my thighs and the tips of his fingers slipped just under the edge of my shorts and over the thin scar I had put there.

“Sarah . . . ,” he growled, and I felt it through every inch of my body. I slowly opened my eyes, my breathing embarrassingly loud in the quiet room. “If you keep panting like that, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you.”

I looked into Eric’s eyes. The intensity of his gaze made me realize that I was getting in too deep. “I shouldn’t be here.”

His fingers slid to my hips and he held me firmly against him. My body sagged and my lips brushed over his as he spoke. “Stay with me. Just let me hold you.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Just for a little while longer.”

I moved my face so we were cheek to cheek and his heavy breaths blew across my ear.

The phone in the room began to ring and E’s fingers slid into my hair.

“Ignore it,” he panted.

I let my mouth fall open slightly, wishing that I could let go and take what I wanted.

Eventually, the noise stopped and E’s fingers continued to stroke my hair. “I want you.” His whispered confessions sounded deafening in the quiet space.

“E . . . don’t do that.” I didn’t want more guilt to carry around with me. I was already carrying more than most could handle. I was buckling under the weight.

“I won’t ever cross that line if that’s what you want from me. This is enough.”

I nodded, unable to respond as a lump formed in my throat. I could just be friends with E. It was better than the alternative, not having him in my life.

The phone rang again and his body grew rigid as he stared at me with wanting and sadness in his eyes.

“It could be important,” he groaned.

I only nodded, unable to form any coherent words. I pulled my body from his, and I was overcome with embarrassment and regret the moment we broke contact. I was going to be sick. What had I done? I had let E get close to me and Derek would never forgive me.

“What?” E asked angrily as he answered the phone. His eyes flicked to me and he rubbed his hand over his forehead. “How long?” After a pause he added, “Thanks, man.” Before he hung up the phone, his eyes danced over my body.

“What is it?” I asked, registering the sadness in his eyes.

“They guys are on their way back. . . .”

 “Oh.” I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with panic. “I should . . . I should go.” My eyes searched the room, unsure of what had come over me.

“You don’t have to.” He took a step in front of me, his hands taking mine. I stared down at where he touched me and slowly looked up to meet his gaze.

“E . . .” There were no words. I was a horrible human being. E and Derek both deserved better than what I was giving them right now—I was a shitty girlfriend to Derek and a shitty friend to E. I deserved to be alone and ashamed.