Memories of the clinic rush back at me. Manual

Vacuum Aspiration

shiver.

What if

couldn’t? What if

couldn’t face it, if

changed my mind? We’ll always know what’s in the

crystal ball, I’ll have stolen the child’s choice and he or she will get

live-action preview when

start having

symptoms.

But if go ahead with an abortion

My chest hurts.

I’ll be saving my baby

future of misery,

preordained

destiny of suffering

woman in the news even killed

her sons because of what HD was doing to them, thought

they’d be better off dead

But I’d be robbing my child of thirty to forty years

of healthy life

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Which is the right choice? And who am to decide

what’s best—a life destined for suffering

or no life at

all?

Maybe

should just go ahead with an abortion

anyway; then wouldn’t have to decide about testing for

myself for another ten, twenty years—no pressure, no

rush. My decision. Maybe that’s what should’ve done to

start with, saved all this misery and heartache and stress.

never wanted to be pregnant, after all—I should sue the

stupid condom company—and now suddenly here am,

forced to make all these life-and-death decisions.

And Kitty left her baby, after all—maybe teens just

aren’t meant to be parents.

stroke my stomach. But if it’s negative, if don’t

have Huntington’s

close my eyes, my head spinning in endless circles

as pull on my clothes and head home.

Still holding my breath.

Still waiting to surface.

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Rosie

can’t believe only week ago was in Boston with

Kitty. It feels like dream, her appearing out of the blue

like that, and then that wonderful afternoon in the park.

And now she’s disappeared again, as quickly as she

arrived.

know she’s just busy, but

keep calling and

emailing her anyway, keep thinking of new things to tell

her—we have so much to catch up on.

It’s just as well she hasn’t called back, really, think,

glancing at Jack as he dresses

lobster—though things

between him and Megan seem to be little better, thank

goodness. Jack’s been bringing her huge bouquets of

flowers every day and the house smells wonderful, though

Megan complains that they keep dropping petals

everywhere. She loves them, though. Whenever Jack’s not

around, she lingers over them, inhaling their perfume and

constantly rearranging them in their vases. Which is why

they keep dropping petals everywhere.

At least someone’s love life’s working out. sigh.

keep calling Andy’s mobile in the vain hope he’ll answer,

but he never does. went round to the B&B, but he’s left.

Gone without

trace. don’t even know if he’s traveled

down to Washington like he suggested—if he’s even still

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in the country! He’s probably million miles away by now,

seeing the world just like he planned. Like we planned.

tuck my necklace under my hoodie and sigh,

determined to learn from my mistakes. I’m not going to

run away from my problems anymore. I’ve caused this

mess and now I’m going to stick around to try to sort it

out.

Somehow.

All week I’ve been trying to make myself useful

wherever possible, babysitting gorgeous Ben whenever

can and helping Jack at the restaurant every day, as half

his staff have gone down with bug.

This, officially, is also what’s wrong with Holly,

who’s been off school for

week and has barely left her

room. She won’t answer to anyone, not even her friend

Melissa, not even Josh. He sat outside her door for whole

night, but still she wouldn’t see him. And when she does

come out, she doesn’t talk, just goes off swimming or for

long bike rides by herself. I’ve been trying to think of ways

to reach out to her, help her, but after Kitty, I’m worried

I’ll just make things worse. can’t force this, have to be

patient, wait till she wants to talk, till she’s ready. And

when she is, I’ll be here, waiting. However long it takes.

“Oops—missed

spot.” Jack points at

pool of

tomato sauce that has somehow leapt from the pan I’m

stirring onto the floor.

“Thanks,” say, kneeling to wipe it up, and he grins

as he arranges

tray of crab cakes

sous chef has just

prepared.

389

“If job’s not worth doing right—”

“It’s not worth doing at all,”

mutter good-

naturedly, swabbing the tiles.

“Right you are—Holly!” he says suddenly, staring at

the doorway.

freeze, hidden from sight on the floor.

“Hello, stranger!” he cries, rushing over to hug her.

“I was beginning to forget what you look like. Want some

lunch? You look

little pale. Lucky kippers are today’s

special!”

“No—no thanks,” she says. “I’ve already eaten.”

peer round the counter. She does look pale, like

ghost, ashen and drawn, heavy bags dark under her eyes.

“Dad …” She takes deep breath, her finger twirling

in her hair. “Dad, do you think you could lend me some

money? Just loan …”

“Sure,” Jack says. “How much?”

She hesitates. “Five hundred dollars?”

Jack whistles. “That’s

lot of money, sweetie.

What’s it for?”

“It’s important,” Holly bites her lip. “It’s …”

As she hesitates, deliveryman pushes through the

door into the kitchen, laden with vegetables. “Mr. Woods?”

“Guilty,” Jack says, taking the clipboard. “What’s it

for, Holls?”

“It’s just—I’ve decided …” Holly falters, her eyes

flicking to the deliveryman. “There’s just something

really need.”

390

“For five hundred dollars?” Jack asks, looking up

from the clipboard.

She nods.

“Sweetie, if I’m giving you that much money

wanna know what it’s for,” Jack says, signing the delivery

note and handing it back.

She hugs her arms as she watches the deliveryman

leave.

“It’s just …” She hesitates. “It’s

want to take the

test.”

The breath catches in my throat.

Jack stares at her, swallows. “The Huntington’s

test?”

She nods, her eyes wide.

“Sweetie …” He sighs. “Don’t you think we should

talk about this? Take some time? There’s no hurry …”

She shakes her head. “I need to know.”

“Jack!”

waitress bursts into the kitchen. “The

Prescott party’s just arrived—they want to talk to you

about catering for wedding.”

“I’ll be there in

minute,” Jack tells her, turning

back to Holly.

“Holly-berry, this is huge decision, okay? We need

to sit down and talk about it properly, discuss everything.

really don’t think this is something you want to rush

into—”

“But Daddy, have to—”

“You don’t have to do anything, sweetheart, okay?”

He strokes her hair behind her ear. “But if you still want to

391

go ahead after we’ve talked about it all properly

of

course I’ll pay, okay?”

“Jack!” The waitress appears again, looking frazzled.

“Okay, Holly-berry?” Jack repeats.

“Okay.” She nods, staring at the floor. He kisses her

forehead before following the waitress into the

restaurant.

Holly closes her eyes and sighs heavily.

take deep breath and stand up. “Holly?” Her eyes

fly open.

“Rosie!” she gasps. “I didn’t see you there.”