“For Christmas it should be the eight of us, and Jeffrey, will you be joining us this year?” Grandmother asks in her proper tone.

“I would love to, if it’s okay. My dad and mom are off to visit my sister in New Zealand to see the new baby.” Jeffrey’s family is spread out all over the world, but he rarely travels. He is always welcome at our family functions.

“Well, that makes nine so far then.” My mom looks at me. “How about your roommates, Dora?”

“I don’t think they’ll be here for the holidays.”

“It would be nice if you would ask them,” my Grandmother states.

“Okay. Julie and Kevin will be here for most of the day, so I guess that makes eleven.”

“Good, then we’ll open gifts during the day.” My mom is the greatest gift giver. She always buys stuff no one would re-gift, hide in a closet, or re-sell online. Each gift is thoughtfully bought and something we need or want.

I so want to leave now. My head is pounding again, and I’ve lost track of the conversation. I wonder what Colin is doing? He’s probably spending the afternoon with some hot, long-legged beauty who completely complements him. I need to put him out of my mind.

“I don’t think that’s acceptable for a Christmas table.” My Grandmother’s stern voice penetrates my musings.

“There’s that stick again. You need to lighten up and enjoy life.”

Yep, that’s Grandma. I must be missing a fight.

“I’ve never heard of a ‘turducken,’ and I have no desire to see it on the table. It sounds hideous,” Grandmother fires back.

Turducken, what the heck is that?

Grandma shakes a finger at her adversary. “It’s delicious, and I say we put it to a vote. I’m tired of roast beef every year.”

I look around and notice that my mom, dad and granddad have fled the room. Only Jeff and I are left with the two warriors. This could get very bloody, and I don’t want to get in the middle. I grab Jeff’s hand and we slowly make our way out of the room and into the kitchen, where I know the rest are hiding. Neither woman notices us leaving as they do the famous Bannister-Phillips stare down.

The three previous escapees are standing in the kitchen. My mom is drinking something amber in a glass. My dad is patting my granddad on the back, probably because he knows if Grandma loses, it won’t be a happy place when they get home.

“I say we’re going to have a turducken, and if you don’t like it, well, then just stay home and eat your roast beef.”

“Next you’ll want us to eat alligator or something equally bizarre.” Grandmother’s voice is now an octave higher.

“I’ve heard it tastes just like chicken!”

I watch Granddad grab Mom’s glass and take a big gulp. It causes him to cough violently while my dad thumps his back. Oh, lord … just what my headache needs.

“I’m going in,” my mom pipes up. She stands, taking another long drink from the glass.

Dad shakes his head. “Honey, do you think that’s wise?”

“Wise or not, I’m so tired of this bullshit. Yes, I said it. Bullshit. We deal with this almost every Sunday and somebody has to take the bull by the balls and stop them.”

Holy fried fish with bones removed, my mom is serious. She pulls her head up and her shoulders back before slowly leaving the room. We cowards follow her. Did she just say take the bull by the balls?

“I love your family. We really should videotape this. Just think of all the millions of hits we would get online.” Jeff’s voice is full of laughter. I elbow him in the stomach and go through the doorway that my mom went through.

“You two. Cease and desist.” Her voice is loud, louder than I’ve heard in a long time. In fact, the last time it was this loud was when—oh, look … they’re listening to her.

“I’m tired of you two always at odds with each other. It happens every Sunday. We’re going to solve this. We’ll have turducken and roast beef and that’s that. Not another word.”

Mom marches out of the room and up the stairs, with everyone—even Taylor and Bridget from over the balcony—watching her.

“See what you did?” Grandma whispers across the table.

“It wasn’t my fault. You’re the one who started this whole mess.”

“I can hear you both from up here. Not another word,” Mom shouts from the top of the stairs and then she disappears as we hear a door slam shut.

“Hope you’re both proud of yourselves,” Granddad says. “I’m sick of this little feud you two have too, and I think if you can’t play nice, both of you should stay home. Dora, make sure your grandma gets home safely. I’m leaving.” He kisses my cheek and then grabs his coat from the hallway closet before exiting the house.

Wow. Both grandmothers are speechless, as are all of us. Granddad has never spoken like that—ever. Good for you, Granddad.

After going upstairs and giving Mom a kiss goodbye and assuring her that everything was fine downstairs and nobody hated her, Jeff and I say bye to my dad and the speechless grand matriarchs before heading out ourselves.

No, we didn’t forget Grandma. Shockingly, Grandmother said she would take her home. Things in this house never fail to surprise me.

15

“It’s freezing. I can’t feel my feet,” I moan as we enter the warm, cozy lobby of my building.

“They’re still there. I can see them.”

“Well, I can’t feel them. I wonder where Brad is. I haven’t seen him since last week.”

The lobby is dimly lit and quiet.

“Want me to knock on his door and see if he’s okay?” Jeff nudges me with his elbow as he presses the elevator button.

“No, I don’t want to be one of those nosey people. I just wonder, is all.” The doors open, and Jeff gives me a gentle push inside the elevator.

The hallway upstairs is quiet too. I bypass the main door and put my key into my private entrance. I’m really not up to seeing the gorgeous trio when I know I look like hell frozen over. How do I know this? The bathroom mirror in my parents’ house showed me. I feel as bad as I look and start stripping off my clothes as I make my way to the bathroom, desperately needing a hot bath.

“Hey, are you going to pick up your mess?” Jeff asks as he locks the door behind him.

“No, I thought you could do it for me,” I say before I shut the door behind me, missing what I know would be a withering look. I shiver while standing in my underwear waiting for the massive tub to fill. A delicious smell fills the air as I pour in my favorite lavender-scented bubble bath. I pull my hair up into a half ponytail and toss my underwear across the room. I slide down into the soothing warmth. My bones seem to melt as the water swirls around me. It’s a whirlpool bath, with the jets sending pulsating water all over my achy parts.

The bathroom door opens, as do my eyes in surprise. I’m temporarily shocked at the sight of Colin standing in the doorframe, dressed only in his boxers. He’s as perfect as his images on the billboards and magazines—definitely no airbrushing there. His eyes are focused on mine, and I feel my body reacting from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I have never felt this aroused.

His eyes move downward and I notice my hardened nipples are peeking through the bubbles. In fact, my whole body is pretty much exposed as my bubble coverage has dissipated. I pull my eyes up and watch as he licks his lips and runs his right hand through his silky hair. The water has cooled, but my body temp has risen by a hundred degrees. He moves closer, and I see he his boxers are becoming tighter by the second as his arousal pushes to escape. He slowly puts his hands to his waist and in one move, his penis is free, and lord, it’s just like I remembered it when I saw it in art class.

Wait.

I look up again to his face, and it’s not Colin. It’s Drew standing there with his penis pointing at me. How the fuc…

“Have you drowned in there?”