Me: You didn’t fall asleep Kayden, you passed out. There’s a difference.

Kayden: I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the best part of my life, I choose you. My life feels like it’s spinning out of control and I can’t get it under control.

Should I give up? Has this all been futile? Kayden is worth fighting for. I wouldn’t let him spiral into the abyss.

Me: Well it’s about to go off a cliff without a guardrail to stop it.

Kayden: What?

I barely knew what I was talking about at this point. He had me in knots, barely forming coherent sentences.

Me: Nothing. No more fucking drinking all day until you pass out. It isn’t helping you or us.

Kayden: I know. I’ll do better. Don’t give up on me Sophia, please. I won’t drink anymore, just don’t give up on me.

Me: I’m fighting for us, Kayden. You’re the master of your future—our future. Don’t fuck it up.

I couldn’t be clearer. I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. I wanted the playful man I fell for, the one that swept me off my feet with his sexy smirk and passion laced words. Kayden stayed in contact with me throughout the day, not letting more than five minutes pass between messages. My stress level had decreased dramatically through the day.

My roommate and I spent hours doing our hair and makeup for the dance. We felt like teenagers again. On my way to the dance, my phone rang—Kayden. My heart stopped, something must be wrong.

“Hey baby. What’s up?” I answered cheerfully. Sounding slightly panicked, but I tried to hide it from my voice.

“The guys want to go to Bourbon Street and want me to go, too,” he said with hope in his voice.

“And?” I asked.

“Is it okay if I go with them, please?” he begged. “I’ll be a good boy.”

He’ll be a good boy? I knew Bourbon Street was filled with temptation. How could I say no? He’s had so little happiness in his life recently. Did I have the right to deny him of a fun evening with his friends? He had been so miserable and needed to get out of the apartment. He didn’t really need to call me asking permission, although he knew it would earn him brownie points.

“Fine, Kayden. Don’t drink too much though, please,” I pleaded with him. I knew this was a promise he would never be able to keep. NOLA sucks you in; no one could escape sober, especially with Kayden’s friends cheering him on.

“I won’t. I’ll be a good boy. You’ll see,” he said gleefully sounding happier than I had heard him in weeks.

“Skype me later when you get home please, promise?” I asked him.

“I promise,” he said. “I love you, Sophia.”

“I love you, too. Talk to you later, and have fun with the boys,” I said as I pushed the button on my steering wheel to end the call. I knew he would end up over indulging, but he is a grown man. My stress level slowly rose, but nothing compared to the gutting I felt earlier in the week.

Suzy and I arrived at the dance; we walked around watching the kids and stopping to take photos with them. The dance was in the open courtyard of the school under the stars. I sent pictures to Kayden. I wanted him to see that I was having fun, and I was. I heard from him a few times throughout the night.

My feet were killing me from the unusually high heels I wore. I had always been a kitten heel type of girl, but recently I’ve grown a fondness to the high rise variety. I sat on my bed, rubbing my feet and waited for Kayden’s call. He texted me to already to let me know he’d be home soon. I had just enough time to get undressed and ready for bed. I wanted to fall asleep listening to his voice.

“Hey, baby doll. I’m home and safe,” he said to me, trying to be reassuring.

“Did you drink?” I asked, already knowing the answer before he even answered the question.

“Yes, Sophia. I’m sorry,” he said. Kayden wouldn’t lie to me. He was honest to a fault, but he knew he disappointed me.

“Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, Kayden,” I said as I hung up the phone.

What could I say at this point? I gave him permission to drink tonight, I couldn’t be upset. I needed the night to think about him and us. I couldn’t give up on him. I wanted to heal him—make him happy, but would I be enough? He deserved happiness, he has filled my world with joy more than sadness… even through these fucked up couple weeks. No one had ever made me feel more loved, desired, or cherished than he did. He’s the addiction that I couldn’t give up.

In the morning, I booked another flight to New Orleans. I had to either break up with him to regain my sanity or bring him home with me where I could keep an eye on him. I wanted him close, not just to keep an eye on him, but because I missed him. Maybe some of the despair he felt deepened with the distance and coming home with me would help in some small way. I knew I couldn’t cure him or take away all his pain, but maybe, just maybe, my presence would make it all a little easier to deal with for him.

Landslide

I kept fucking everything up. How did I let my life become ruled by alcohol? The one person I cared about more than anything in the world—Sophia—I had placed on the back burner. I had become selfish and thought only about myself. She is my happiness, and I focused too much on what had gone wrong, instead of all the wonderful things that had fallen into my lap unexpectedly. I finally had something to look forward to for the first time in weeks—Sophia had booked a flight.

She would be here tomorrow, and the place was a mess. I was a mess. I needed to clean the apartment and stay sober—I could do it for her. I wouldn’t choose the bottle over her. My phone chimed and I ran to look at the message.

Sophia: What are you doing baby?

Me: Starting to clean. This place is a pigsty and the guys haven’t bothered cleaning up after themselves.

Sophia: Not going to lie in bed and wallow in a bottle today?

Ouch. Fuck. I deserved that, she had no reason to believe in me anymore. I would have to earn her trust again.

Me: No, Soph. I’m staying sober… done drinking. It hasn’t solved any of my problems, just seemed to cause more. I need to start coming up with a plan for my future—our future.

Sophia: That’s a good attitude. Hopefully they aren’t empty words.

I meant every word I spoke to her. I needed a plan, but somehow the bottle always called me, filled with false promises.

Me: I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll prove it to you. Just don’t give up on me, don’t leave me.

I spent all day scrubbing floors, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathrooms. I went to the grocery store and purchased all her favorites, I dumped out the bottles of liquor that I had in my bedroom and moved my roommates’ bottles into their rooms. I couldn’t stare at their bottles and have the temptation in plain view.

Sophia: I’ve missed you.

Me: I’ve been here all along.

Sophia: You haven’t been the man I fell in love with. You’ve been noticeably absent in my life.

Me: I’m back, Sophia. I can’t even explain how happy I am that you’ll be here tomorrow. You’re the most important thing in my life.

She is everything to me, she made me feel whole. I had been acting like a fucking fool and a selfish prick. I’d be devastated without her. A job is just that—a job. I could find another job or line of work. As long as I had Sophia by my side, I could do anything. I wanted to be worthy of her love.

I don’t think Sophia had experience with an alcoholic, she wouldn’t understand what my body is currently battling. I’ve been going through withdrawals all day and I prayed they stopped before she arrived. I looked like shit and felt even worse. My body shook uncontrollably. I knew a drink would take the edge off, but I couldn’t take the chance of falling down the rabbit whole. I needed to deal with the effects of withdrawal naturally and not with a Bloody Mary.