Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?

Kayden: I think I’m dying.

I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.

Me: Huh?

Kayden: I ate a piece of a habanera pepper, it was a dare.

Men did crazy shit that I would never dream of doing with my girlfriends. Obviously this decision was made in an altered state.

Me: You okay?

No response. Fucking asshole. I’m dying aren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening were the best part of my day and now everything has changed.

As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had been spun on its axis and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull rusty blade.

I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters, trying to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took me, allowing me to dream of the love I’ve missed.

My phone chirped and I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t—The pull was too strong.

Kayden: Are you mad at me?

How couldn’t I be? He left me hanging, worried and stressed.

Me: More than I can explain right now.

Kayden: I’m sorry.

I knew he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.

Me: You’re always sorry Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.

Kayden: What do you want me to do?

I clenched my jaw wanting to scream.

Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.

Kayden: If I don’t get my job back then I’m coming to you Sophia.

Doesn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’ve ever felt before for anyone.

Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.

Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.

Me: What?

Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I wanted him with me, hating the distance between us, but not under these circumstances. I wanted to be a choice not a backup plan.

Me: What? You’re acting weird, are you drunk already?

I waited a few minutes, but a reply never came.

Me: Figured you’d pass out again. Today better be different, Kayden.

Hours passed and my anger only grew. I wouldn’t allow myself or anyone in my life to be ruled by alcohol. Kayden needed to choose or I would make the choice for him. I sent a couple of angry texts while he was missing in an alcohol induced sleep.

Kayden: That’s enough.

Me: Of? I can’t believe we are having this conversation online since you are too fucked up to call and speak to me.

Kayden: I know. Are we still together? Please don’t leave me Sophia.

Me: Barely, Kayden.

Kayden: Forever.

I can’t go on like this, I wanted my Kayden back. I’d fight for him… I’d save him.

Me: You better get your motherfucking shit together and fucking fast!

Kayden: I’m going to lean on you Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.

Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life Sophia, it’s more important how we recover.

Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle… it’s been my only friend at times.

My limit reached, I lashed out at him.

Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me… When you get yourself straight, come back to me.

Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?

Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.

Kayden: Fuck off then.

There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything… for me.

Me: Really? You don’t choose me, guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be.... even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.

Kayden: WTF with Lisa?

I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention.

Me: Whoever you are with in the future… Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.

Kayden: I’m completely happy with you Sophia, I’m just not happy with me.

I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.

Me: It’s no excuse… You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?

Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?

My words were hollow, but I hope it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?

Me: You told me to fuck off.

Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.

Me: Call me when you wake and can talk to me Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.

I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, my heart thumped as I hit play. ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.

Homecoming

I needed to go shopping for a dress; tomorrow Suzy and I were going to the Homecoming Dance. He always helped me pick out something perfect to wear. I didn’t want my dress to be too sexy, but I didn’t want to look like a child either. I went to the usual department stores to begin with and he helped me find one, but it was more money than I wanted to spend. My only options left were little thrift stores scattered throughout my small town.

Kayden: Do NOT go to a thrift shop.

Me: Why not? They have a huge selection and cheap prices.

Kayden: You shouldn’t be shopping at a place like that.

Kayden wouldn’t tell me why, he just kept saying to find another store. He disappeared shortly after I walked through the doors of Goodwill. I found a cute black dress for around five dollars, a total steal. I went home, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt lost and alone, more than I had ever before. I had a connection so deep and passionate with Kayden unlike anyone before, but it was dangling by a thread poised to break. I needed to grab it, before it was lost forever.

Kayden: Morning baby doll.

Me: Morning.

I’d been up for hours, unable to sleep. Sleep never came easy for me, unless I was wrapped in Kayden’s arms.

Kayden: I’m sorry I fell asleep last night so early.