“Hello, Lila.” Micha grins at me and then kisses Ella’s neck. “How have you been?” he asks between peppering Ella with kisses.

She shivers into his touch. “Stop, that tickles,” she protests through laughs, but I can tell by her expression that she likes it.

Micha bites at her neck and laughs when her eyes close and she protests more. He gives her a soft, loving kiss on the cheek, and then his eyes focus on me. “You look good, Lila, especially the hair. I like it.” Micha has always had this charming way about him. Ella said that before her he slept with a lot of girls and I can see why. Still, so has Ethan and he is anything but charming. In fact, he’s very blunt most of the time and I guess that can be sexy, too, since it worked on me.

“Thanks,” I shout out over the music as I touch the tips of my hair. “It was an impulse cut.”

He winks at me. “A good impulse cut. It works on you.”

I smile, glancing at Ella as she gets this weird look on her face, not looking at me but over my shoulder.

“Could you tone down the dazzling, man.” Ethan’s voice rises over my shoulder and the second the sound touches my ears heat, want, self-doubt, and excitement rush through my body. “Seriously, can’t you turn it off for, like, two seconds? It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Micha replies in an innocent tone. “Besides giving her a compliment.”

“Whatever,” Ethan says and then his hands touch my waist.

I pretty much die of a heart attack. My heart is acting insane, crashing against my chest, like it wants to flee. I tilt my head back and look over my shoulder at Ethan. “I thought you weren’t coming here until tomorrow?”

His expression is unreadable, his eyes dark, his hair all messy, and he’s starting to get a five o’clock shadow. I love the look on him, but the reluctance in his eyes makes me wary. “Can we go somewhere and talk?” he asks.

“I…” I look back at Ella, who nods and motions at me to go ahead. I turn back to Ethan, who’s trying to smooth the wrinkles out of his gray shirt. “I guess I can.”

He smiles, but there’s worry behind it, and suddenly my mind flips on, running about a thousand miles a minute. He’s just seen his ex-girlfriend. What if it turns out he still loves her? What if he’s come to tell me this? What will I do? Break? The idea of going back to pills seems so easy and yet at the same time so hard. The idea of going back to that girl who relied on medication and sex to make her feel better almost makes me sick. I don’t want to be her. I want to be the Lila who’s been developing over the last month: the pill free, clear-headed one, who can live without money or fancy clothes. The one who felt every part of the experience with Ethan and didn’t feel ashamed or worthless.

I don’t want to die all over on the inside. I don’t want beauty and money to define me. I want to thrive. And that’s what I’m going to choose to do.

Chapter Nineteen

Lila

It’s been a while since I’ve been this nervous. Right after the thing with Sean happened, one of the Precious Bells told the entire school. I remember sitting in my room the day it happened, dreading going to class, fearing what everyone would say. I was actually sick to my stomach. In the end I had to go to school and everyone started calling me a whore. It was all a big joke to them. They cut me apart, ripped me to shreds, but nothing hurt as much as the fact that Sean had never called afterward. He’d simply untied the ropes, zipped up his pants, grabbed his jacket, and muttered a “That was great,” before slipping out the hotel room door.

As Ethan and I sit on the bed in Ella and Micha’s quaint little guestroom, I feel like I’m headed to that same place, but I’m not sure why. Ethan hasn’t really said anything. He was being standoffish on the phone. I need to stop overanalyzing.

“So how’s everything been for the last few days?” Ethan asks, leaning against the headboard. He looks tired, bags under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept in a while.

I shrug, kneeling on the bed near where his knees are. “It’s been going good… Although I did go to my house and ran into my mother.”

He straightens up a little, his muscles tightening. “Why the hell did you go there? You should stay away from them. Your parents are fucking douche bags.” He pauses, assessing me like he’s afraid they physically broke me or something. “Are you okay?”

I nod. “As okay as I ever am.”

“What did they say to you?”

“They didn’t say anything to me. My father wasn’t there.”

“What did your mother say to you then?” he asks, looking unhappy.

I shrug, unable to keep a frown on my face from forming. “Nothing she hasn’t said before.”

He presses his lips together and shakes his head. “You need to stay away from them… the things you told me they’ve said to you… they don’t deserve you.”

I love you. God, I do. I sit down, crossing my legs, my dress riding up a little. “I know, but I didn’t go there to see them. I went there to steal a dress out of the closet.”

He arches an eyebrow. “A dress?”

I shrug and then tell him about the dress and what happened with my mom, surprised by how easy it is to tell him the truth, down to how I felt about knowing the pills were so close. I wanted to rip them out of her purse and devour them. I wanted to make myself feel better, but I didn’t do it. I know now they don’t make me feel better. They just make me not feel.

“It’s normal,” he says when I’m done. He sits up and turns to the side so he’s facing me. “To want them when you know they’re near. What’s important is that you didn’t take them.”

I nod, trying to pick up his vibe, but he’s stoic and it’s frustrating me. “How about you? How was…” God, this is so hard. “How was seeing London?”

He waits a moment to respond, looking me over with his eyebrows furrowed as if he’s perplexed. “It wasn’t like how I thought it would be.”

I take a deep breath, fearing the answer, fearing the worst, but ultimately telling myself that I have to handle it because I won’t go back to being what I was. “And how did you think it would be?”

He keeps staring at me, not saying anything and it drives me crazy, to the point that I feel like I’m going to explode.

“Ethan, would you please tell me what you’re thinking?” I kneel up in front of him as I wince at the neediness in my tone.

A breath eases out of his lips as he reaches for my hips, surprising me when he folds his fingers around me and brings me to his lap so I’m straddling him. “I’m thinking that I missed you.” His forehead creases as he says it. “In fact, I was kind of surprised how much I was thinking about you the entire time.”

I’m not sure whether to be happy or offended. “You weren’t planning to think about me at all?”

He shakes his head, staring at me like he’s lost. “I honestly thought I’d go there and be completely focused on saying goodbye and letting London go, but it turns out I think I already had in a way… I think it might have happened the moment I decided to be with you.” He pauses, contemplating, his lips quirking. “I’m kind of sounding cheesy right now, huh?”

I try not to smile, but I’m failing. “Cheesy can be good, though. Like in the movies. Everyone always ends up happy.”

“You think we’re going to end up happy?” He seems wary.

“I honestly don’t know, but…” I gather my breath and my courage as I place my hands on his shoulders. “But I’d kind of like to find out.” I hold my breath while I wait for him to say something.

He plays with a strand of my hair, twirling it around his finger and then tucking it behind my ear. “I don’t want to turn out like my parents… I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t either,” I say. “I want us to be happy.”

“Relationships can be ugly. I’ve seen it.”

“So have I.” I pause, not wanting to ask but needing to know. “But, Ethan, I don’t get it. You say you don’t want to be in a relationship, yet you were in one with this girl… London.”