The granite marker bearing my name glistened in the rain, like tiny jewels reflecting a light that wasn’t there. It reminded me of Maddy, of the bangles and sparkly accessories she always wore. Even in death, buried six feet below a tombstone engraved with the wrong name, she found a way to shine through, making this morbid place her own.

I closed my eyes and counted to five before speaking the words I’d been holding back for so long. “I’m Ella. I’m not you. I never could be you. I never wanted to be you. I tried … for you, I tried, but I can’t do it anymore.”

Relief and pain fought for control, those simple words a torturous reminder of what I’d done. Sighing, I closed my eyes and surrendered to the truth. That was what I wanted. That was what I’d been struggling to say since the second I realized I wasn’t my sister and never could be.

“I. Am. Ella. Lawton.” I said it again, reveling in the sound of my own name, the sense of complete peace it brought.

A warm hand grazed my shoulder, and I gasped. I’d thought I was alone, thought I had more time to practice my confession before I actually came clean to the rest of the world.

“Hey, Ella,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you, officially that is.”

Molly held out her hand and I took it, not sure what else I was supposed to do. “I was telling the truth in the cafeteria. I’m really not Maddy,” I said, confused as to why she wasn’t angry with me, wasn’t calling me demented and insane for impersonating my dead sister.

“I know. The entire school knows. You pretty much told them all in the cafeteria today.”

“Why are you here? How did you know I was here?” I had expected Josh to come looking for me. He wasn’t in the cafeteria when I apologized to Molly and Alex, but I figured it wouldn’t have taken long for the news to reach him. I even secretly wished my parents would come find me once they got home and saw my note. But I never imagined it’d be Molly, the girl whose life my sister had nearly destroyed.

“I wasn’t done talking to you in the cafeteria. You weren’t at home, so I asked Josh where he thought you’d go, and he told me here, so…” Molly held her arms out wide as if that was explanation enough. It wasn’t.

“Josh, I get,” I said. He was my best friend, of course he would know where to find me. He’d been figuring me out for years, knew me better than I knew myself most days. “But why do you care?”

Molly dropped to the ground next to me, not caring that her white jeans were now covered in mud. “You can’t trade one life for another. Trust me, Ella. Maddy’s life … you don’t want it.”

I knew that. With every fiber of my being I knew that I could never be Maddy.

“So why aren’t you mad now?” I had braced myself for everybody’s anger, for them to be pissed beyond belief at what I’d done. This … this quiet understanding, I didn’t know what to do with it. “I lied to you. To everybody. Why aren’t you angry?”

Molly shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I liked watching Alex stumble around you, and I kinda liked you, Ella. That, and it was nice to finally have a friend again.”

“You think everybody will hate me? You think my parents will? I mean, I know Josh does.”

“Josh? Hate you? Never. He’ll forgive you. He can’t help himself. That kid has had a thing for you since the first day your sister pawned you off on him. Everybody could see that.”

Everybody but me, that is. “What about—”

“Your parents?” she interrupted, and I nodded. “No. I mean, they’ll probably be confused more than anything. They’ll blame themselves for a while. I know my parents did. But eventually, you will sort it out.”

Molly understood what I was going through. She knew how hard it was to rebuild a life from a past that you wanted to forget, a past that you had absolutely no control over. “I don’t know what I am going to do.”

“I do.” Her voice was filled with a confidence I’d never heard from her before, and I prayed that a small sliver of her strength would find its way into me. “You’re going to get up off this wet ground, leave your sister’s life behind, and start living yours. I’m not gonna lie; it’s going to suck for a while. People are going to look at you differently, call you messed up and selfish. God knows Jenna will probably accuse you of being jealous, of pretending to be Maddy so that you could get Alex and be popular. But I’ll be there to help you.”

She paused and looked back toward the road. “And he’ll be there to help you, too.”

I followed her gaze and saw Josh standing there. I knew he’d heard everything I’d said, from the confession to the justifications I laid on Molly, the same ones I used on him.

“Has he been there the whole time?” I asked.

“Yep,” Molly said. “Did you think he would actually have let me come alone? Not a chance. As I said, that boy can’t help himself when it comes to you.”

Molly got up and brushed what she could of the mud from her pants, then took a step back. “If you ask me, I think Alex always knew you weren’t Maddy. He just didn’t care. That’s why he fought so hard to make everything seem perfect between the two of you and to cover for you.”

I knew what she was trying to say. He wanted Maddy, wanted me to be Maddy so much that he ignored the truth, hid from it like I had.

With one last encouraging nod, Molly turned and walked away. She stopped when she reached her car and called back, “You know what happened with your sister and the drugs? Well, that is done and over with. As far as I am concerned, that incident was buried with Maddy.”

“Thanks,” I said. I’d already done enough damage to Maddy’s name. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore.

42

My eyes scanned the nearly empty cemetery. When I woke up in the hospital, when everybody, including myself, thought I was Maddy, there were dozens of people there waiting for me to open my eyes. Here, on the day I was bringing Ella back, there were only Molly and Josh. But somehow that was okay. The person who mattered to me most was standing a few gravestones away, waiting for me to make the first move.

Josh held out his hand, softly beckoning me forward. He was the last person I wanted to hurt and the one person I didn’t think of when I made my choice to live a lie. When I didn’t move, he came to me.

“Hey, Ella.”

“I’m sorry.” It seemed completely inadequate, but I said it anyway. I was sorry for what my sister did to Molly. Sorry for taking my sister’s life in every way possible. Sorry for lying to my parents. And sorry for not trusting Josh with the truth from the beginning.

I slipped my hand into his and let his warmth comfort me. I didn’t know which one of us needed the physical contact more, but it made no difference either way. We both needed the reassurance that this was real, that I was finally admitting who I was and reclaiming my own life.

I turned and looked up into his eyes, silently thanking him for being here and never giving up on me. His eyes weren’t red-rimmed like mine, but they were glossy, letting me know he’d also been crying.

I ran my hand across his cheek. It was soft and strong like him. He stared at me, his eyes distant and sad as if unsure, or maybe too scared, to believe I was finally me. I couldn’t blame him. For so long I wasn’t.

I’d never touched him like this before—gently, intimately, like he meant more to me than anything else in this world. He did; and if he’d listen to me, give me a second chance to explain, I’d tell him.

“I love you, too,” I whispered. “Since the day Maddy introduced me to you, it’s been you.”

Josh’s eyes brightened at my words and he squeezed my hand tighter.

His silence troubled me. “It’s me. Ella. I mean, I’m not going to pretend to be Maddy anymore. Not with you, not with my parents, not with anybody,” I promised.

Josh looked down at the gravestone bearing my name. His hand shook in mine, and I was too afraid to break the forgiving quiet with words. I mumbled another apology and looked away.