“Sorry,” I said, and shoved my phone back into my pocket. “I talked to Josh like you suggested.”

“You find the answers you were looking for?”

“No,” I said. “Just a lot more questions.”

“Any of those questions I can help answer?”

I took a seat across from him and grabbed an orange from the fruit bowl in the center of the table. I wasn’t hungry, but I peeled it anyway. “No.”

“Well, I’m here if you’re looking for someone to talk to.”

“Thanks.”

We sat there in silence—Dad hyperfocused on his coffee, and me on the lack of activity in the house. It was quiet, too quiet. Even Bailey was penned up in his crate, his nose pressed against the door.

“Can I let him out?” I asked, wondering what he’d done to earn time in jail.

Dad shrugged. “Sure, but he’s only going to pace a circle in Ella’s room and whine. It gets irritating after a while.”

I unclicked the latch and tapped my hand against the side of my leg. Bailey edged his way out, his eyes on Dad as if he was waiting to be scolded or locked back up. When Dad stayed silent, Bailey came to me and lay down on my feet.

“Where’s Mom?” I asked. She was the one I was used to seeing when I came home from school.

“Upstairs reading.”

I didn’t ask what she was reading. I didn’t need to. The way his voice dropped off to nothing more than a pained whisper was answer enough. She was reading our journals, the ones I saw in her room the other day, the ones Maddy and I kept as kids.

“She seems different now, sadder than before. It’s been nearly a month since…” I trailed off, unwilling to say the actual words. “Why does she seem more upset now?”

“Because you returned to school.”

Confused as to why that mattered, I said, “But I’ve always gone to school. Me going back—that was always the plan.”

“The entire time you were in the hospital, she was there, talking to the doctors and keeping you company. Then when you were home, she had you to take care of. Doctor’s appointments, prescriptions, watching you, making sure you were comfortable. Now that you’re back at school, she has nothing but her own thoughts to occupy her mind. And right now, well, those thoughts aren’t good.”

I was only home for a little over a week, but Mom spent every one of them hovering over me, asking me what I wanted to eat, kicking Alex out so I could rest, and talking to the teachers about the work I’d missed. It had bothered me back then. I figured her constant prodding was to keep me from losing it, from slipping into the darkness of my own mind. Little did I know, she was doing it to keep herself sane.

“I could stay home tonight if you want.”

Dad shook his head and stood up, poured his full cup of coffee into the sink. “No. Go and be with your friends. Go out with Alex. Don’t worry, I’ll be here. I’ll get her through this.”

I didn’t want to go, not when I was the one who had put her here, in a hell she couldn’t seem to escape. A dark pit of my own making.

“Do you think we will be okay?”

Dad tensed, his hands braced on the edges of the sink. I heard every tick of the clock on the wall, felt every beat of my heart hammering in my head as I waited for him to turn around and answer. When he finally did, I could see the worry etched on his face, the confident, it-will-all-be-okay attitude I’d come to depend on stripped away, replaced with an uncertainty that had me terrified.

“I will make sure you are okay, Maddy. I promise you that.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

I watched as he weighed his next words, his mouth opening on a sigh before he finally spoke. “I don’t know, Maddy. She’s hurting, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Nothing any of us can do.”

I got up to leave the kitchen, his last words thundering around my mind. Mom was in so much pain—pain I had caused and couldn’t fix. And seeing Dad sitting there, worrying about everyone and everything, made things worse, made the guilt I was carrying around that much heavier.

“Maddy?” Dad whispered after me. I stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I meant what I said the other day. I never once imagined what it would be like if your sister had lived instead of you. I loved … love you both more than my own life. Your mother does, too.”

37

Alex had soccer practice. I wasn’t sure what time it ended or what field he was playing on, so I parked next to his car in the lot and waited. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do. I was pretty sure Dad wanted time alone to talk with Mom, and Josh didn’t want anything to do with me. It was either sit here and wait for Alex or drive around aimlessly for hours.

I flipped the light on in my car and pulled the newspaper clipping from my back pocket. The words hadn’t changed since I’d read it last. No new clues hidden between the lines, no explanations waiting to be discovered. Same smudged ink hiding a secret.

The sound of voices broke into my thoughts. I looked up and saw the entire soccer team walking toward the lot. Some still had their practice uniforms on, but most had changed, their cleats dangling from their hands.

It took me a few minutes to spot Alex. He was near the center of the group, arguing with the kid walking next to him. Alex shifted his weight as if hoisting something farther up his back. It wasn’t until he spun around that I realized what—no, who he was carrying. Jenna.

He dropped her the second he saw me. She stumbled to her feet cursing but kept her arms around his neck. Her head tilted as she whispered something in his ear. It wasn’t until Alex pointed out my car that she backed away from him, that flirty grin of hers transforming to a pout. She didn’t bother to say hello to me as she passed my car, rather gave me a thanks-a-lot glare.

Alex opened my car door and slid into the passenger seat, tossing his gear bag into the back. “Everything okay? What are you doing here?”

I waved my hand in Jenna’s direction. “What is she doing here?”

“Field hockey practice, Maddy. The semifinals are tomorrow. You know that. You were supposed to be there.”

I looked out the windshield. Maddy’s teammates were there, hanging on one soccer player or another, but that didn’t make me feel better about Jenna plastering herself to Alex.

“The coach will give you a free pass this week. I had Jenna talk to him, tell him you were meeting with teachers each day after school to try to catch up. But next week, when they’re practicing for the division championship, you need to be there,” Alex said.

I held up my left arm as if that was explanation enough. Plus, it was the last two games of the season, the two most important games, and I had absolutely no clue how to even play, never mind offer useful advice as I watched from the bench.

“Not being able to play doesn’t mean you’re not part of the team, Maddy. You need to be there. You’re going to lose your co-captain spot if you’re not careful. There’s only so much I can do to keep that from happening, and you need that on your college applications if you want to play at that level.”

It was the “only so much” that had me worried.

“Jenna wants to be Snow Ball queen. She’s after you as well,” I said, and Alex shrugged as if that was old news. “Are you sleeping with her?”

“No.” His answer was curt and quick, and at least he had the presence of mind to look offended. “We’ve been through this how many times, Maddy? Why do you keep asking?”

Because I’d overheard her talking in the hall. Because she’d clearly said that she was after Alex. Because I hadn’t trusted her since the first day she came to my house freshman year, all makeup and fake smiles.

“She’s made no secret about the fact that she wants you,” I said.

“Yeah, but she’s not the one I love.”

He reached out to stroke my cheek, and I pulled away. “I don’t believe you anymore.”